Articles

City Of The Amazons

I opened the door as the echo of the ringing bell finally faded to nothing in the stone hallway and was instantly blinded by the sunshine that flowed in and around the silhouette of a buxom young woman standing there. I blinked and shielded my eyes. “Albert’s girth!” I exclaimed. […]

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Alberto Frog’s Coffee Problem

“Oh, Alberto Frog, thank you!” said Father Leopold. “Thank you for saving the church fête with your charity orchestral performance.” “An absolute pleasure,” said the orchestra’s conductor, beaming widely. “How ever can I thank you?” asked the priest. “Well…” said Alberto. “Um… Er…” Zebra knew what he was going to […]

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All Ears

“I’m all ears,” I said as I lowered myself onto the tree stump opposite the doctor. The doctor fished one hand into a worn-looking pocket in his coat and pulled out a short wooden pipe. Over the next couple of minutes he also retrieved tobacco and a lighter and proceeded […]

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The Alliteration Assassin

The mirror’s steamed up on account of all the hot, wet bodies sheltering from the rain but the obscured reflection that greets me still looks haggard. I’ve been putting the decision off long enough and it’s not as if the weather’s going to improve any time soon so I down […]

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Murder At Metathesis Mansion

Well, this is luxury. I’m in the back seat of a car appreciating the fine stitching on the initials “H.W.” emboridered into the leather, and I’m taking in a view of the countryside just outside the city. It’s raining, but then it’s always raining. Still, trees make a nice change […]

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Causes And Effects

“Jehovah’s Witnesses?” The couple turned their heads and looked at one another, she glancing down and he staring up on account of their relevant heights. A quizzical look passed between them and they turned slowly back towards James. “Not Jehovah’s Witnesses then,” said James who prided himself on his quick […]

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Doctor Maniac’s Meeting

“Gentlemen, thank you for coming today. Such a prestigious group of the world’s greatest criminal masterminds the world has truly never seen, nor shall it ever with our skill at evading the law. Most of you are probably wondering why I’ve asked you all to this meeting and why I’ve […]

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Old Wumpard’s Uncut Bible

Some people just can’t get enough of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible. We call these people Fundamentalist Lunatics and, ordinarily, we would like nothing better than to have nothing to do with Fundamentalist Lunatics. However, since switching my content management system to WordPress I’ve been able to write a few plugins […]

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Sex Sirens Of Saturn

“I put it to you Mr Hawkes that this is the gravest danger we have ever faced.” I was most adamant on this fact and jabbed my finger in his general direction even as I jutted out my chin to check for stubble growth in the reflection afforded by the […]

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That Uncut Bible

I know what you’re thinking: surely to goodness there can’t possibly be more previously-hidden passages from the one-and-only, complete, uncut Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible, can there? There sure can! Are you kneeling comfortably? Then we’ll begin. [box] “Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women […]

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