The Bible: Uncut
Christianity is the religion for you if choice is high on your agenda! Don’t like the New International version of the Bible? Try the American Standard version! Trusty old King James Bible doesn’t fit in with your sheep-rustling lifestyle? Maybe Young’s Literal Translation is more up your alley! There are tens of different versions of the Old Testament stories and New Testament accounts of the life of Jesus and you’re simply bound to find one that suits you sooner or later.
Personally, I like Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible with its faithfully-restored passages deliberately left untranscribed in other versions by the prudish monks of ye olde medievale tymes. What other Bible uplifts you quite like this?
"Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry, not to mention stung to buggery by scorpions. He had a lovely tan though."
"The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, ‘What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?’
‘Worst. Sailors. Ever’ he replied and the men, who were fearful and drunk on clam juice, threw Jonah overboard into a passing fish."
"’I will send fire upon the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus; I will destroy the king who is in the Valley of Aven and the one who holds the sceptre in Beth Eden. The people of Aram will go into exile to Kir. I mean it. You’re all for it unless the person who stole my wallet owns up’ says the Lord."
"The hand of the Lord was upon me there, and he said to me, ‘Get up and go out to the plain, and there I will speak to you.’ So I got up and went out to the plain and waited and wondered why the Lord couldn’t have spoken to me inside where it was warm but the Lord did not speak unto me. And so I went back in and someone had eaten my dinner."
"After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptised. Now John also was baptising at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were constantly coming to be baptised and so Jesus and John had an old-fashioned Baptise-Off which Jesus won narrowly after John suffered a temporary and suspicious bout of eye leprosy."
"’LOL. Boobies,’ said Judas Iscariot."
"To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. And sometimes He gives him a nasty cough too. That’ll learn him."
"’Go at once,’ the king commanded Haman. ‘Get the robe and the horse and do just as you have suggested for Mordecai the Jew, who sits at the king’s gate. Do not neglect anything you have recommended and bring me back a kebab.’
So Haman got the robe and the horse. He robed Mordecai, and led him on horseback through the city streets, proclaiming before him, ‘This is what is done for the man the king delights to honour!’
Afterward Mordecai returned to the king’s gate. But Haman rushed home, with his head covered in grief, for he had forgotten the king’s kebab."
"Elisha said to Gehazi, ‘Tuck your cloak into your belt, take my staff in your hand and run. If you meet anyone, do not greet him, and if anyone greets … whoa! What the hell are you doing to my penis?’ And Gehazi was ashamed for he had misconstrued Elisha’s command again."
"One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. The people of Gaza were told, ‘Samson is here!’ So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, ‘At dawn we’ll kill him.’
But Samson was finished inside three minutes and had paid and left before the people of Gaza had arrived. And Samson climbed to the top of the hill that faces Hebron and cried himself to sleep."
"Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Yes, including that. And that. And that if he’s into it."
"And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost but convinced Michael for best two out of three. The great dragon tied the war in the figure skating competition but Michael was unbeatable at strip ludo and the dragon lost. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him."
"’The west end of the courtyard shall be fifty cubits wide and have curtains, with ten posts and ten bases. On the east end, toward the sunrise, the courtyard shall also be fifty cubits wide. Curtains fifteen cubits long are to be on one side of the entrance, with three posts and three bases, and curtains fifteen cubits long are to be on the other side, with three posts and three bases,’ said the Lord.
‘By Friday?’ asked Moses. ‘Can’t be done mate. Posts should be here but curtains are on backorder. All we’ve got are the eight cubits long ones which I can do at cost price. And we’ll be short one base too. Have you thought about blinds?’"
"Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken to him: ‘Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.’ ‘Arse,’ said Peter."