Summer Slump

01 Jul 2009 08:54 by Mark

It's time for the Summer Slump!

You know the Summer Slump if you've got a website and you like to post new and interesting (or mind-numbingly banal) articles frequently (or infrequently).

You know the Summer Slump if you keep track of how many people visit your website on a daily or weekly basis just to see if you've still got "it" or whether your "it" is waning; drooping or wilting perhaps.

You know the Summer Slump if you bought my highly-priced but lowly-respected tome on the subject 984 Pages Bemoaning The Summer Slump In Small Print With No Illustrations And Only Three Uses Of Punctuation from all good book specialists who happen to be named Geoff's Used Books and who happen to have a small shop in Slough (closed Tuesdays).

You know the Summer Slump if you've read this article once already and have come back around for a second go hoping to work out the secret code buried within the vowels of every paragraph and consonants of every vowel-less word.

You know the Summer Slump if you invented the Summer Slump during the inaugural Slumpfest of 1967 when hippies thought it would be groovy to hack slumps (which were at the time in a slump) into something heavy, thus gaining publicity for slumps and bringing the slumps out of their slump thereby negating the need for any further slump-hacking festivals. That's the sort of idea that DDT-tainted marijuana brings to fruition.

Of course, I killed and buried that inventor of the Summer Slump in 2001 during that year's Summer Slump just for something to do, so the chances of that are small.

If you're reading this then you're possibly wondering what the Summer Slump is and you're trying to brace yourself for the big pay-off. Oh man, that Mark is so smart! That Mark will lead you along and then BOOM! comes the zinger at the end! Man! I can't wait to see what the climax to this Summer Slump article's going to be! What is the Summer Slump? He's going to explain and I'm going to go "whoa! yeah! ha ha! sweet!" and then I'm going to be like "woo!" and "fnurgh!" and then I'm going to go "zwish!" and be all like "urgagngg!" Unless he just doesn't bother explaining as part of a clever mechanism to explain it without explaining it! Oh man, if he just does that then I'm going to be well disappointed man! Such a cop-out! He's done that before as well. Swine. He'd better at least explain it in the caption under the stock image he uses to accompany the article or there's a lynching on the horizon.

Me: The Formative Years

23 Jun 2009 09:27 by Mark

It's time to set the record straight and quash the scurrilous rumours rampaging through the gutter press.

I was born - like many people - as a baby. Some babies consume their own hair while in the womb in order that it should make for an interesting first bowel movement. Other babies find such a concept vulgar and distasteful and use the final few months before emergence to style something fashionable. I was one of the latter babies.



Born in Portsmouth, the sea was in my blood. This was the result of a necessary transfusion and rather lackadaisical rules governing what went where in NHS hospitals. By the age of one I had joined the Royal Navy and am proud to say I did my part in bringing to an end the diabolical furniture-smuggling rings operating out of Tangiers.



The Navy gave me an interest in science and it was from there that I created the first viable clone of a sheep on a top secret farm in County Mayo, Ireland. I was widely tipped to win the Nobel Prize until my scientist peers raised a fuss over the name I had bestowed upon my woolly creation. Polly was no name for a sheep, they said. A cloned parrot could be called Polly, they said, but not a sheep. I refused to buckle and the prize slipped through my tiny grasp. In a fit of rage I activated Polly's self-destruct and turned my back on the scientific community.



Anger is a great driving force so it was no surprise when I negotiated my way into the world of rally cars. My inate skills and supreme lack of fear - other drivers cruelly claimed this was due to my inability to see over the steering wheel - allowed me to win everything in the profession. I was both celebrated and despised and I liked the latter feeling more.



The 1970s was a dreadful decade in Britain. Power cuts, strikes, and football hooliganism made the news every day. When these three things came together to cancel the F.A. Cup Final at Wembley the country found itself on the brink of social unrest on a scale never before seen nor imagined. The producers of Match Of The Day - the de facto rulers of Britain at the time - asked for my assistance and I found myself honour-bound, unable to refuse. With my younger brother we staged a last-minute recreation of the 1939 Cup Final match between Portsmouth and Wolverhampton Wanderers. The country watched enthralled and stepped back from the chasm of chaos.



Portsmouth won again, of course, and I spent a pleasant few months on a garden tour of England and Wales showing off the trophy. Not Scotland, though. Oh no!



The seventies ticked over into the eighties and the unthinkable happened! Disco started to wane! My rage, which I had kept under check for years, resurfaced. It was to be the Decade of Destruction!

To Be Continued... Later... Possibly Much Later...

Homeopathic Remedies

14 Jun 2009 13:26 by Mark

Since it's nearly almost certainly 100% illegal in the UK to claim that there's absolutely no benefit whatsoever in homeopathy and that homeopathy is both fraudulent and dangerous there's never been a better time to start a business dealing with homeopathy which is why we're now launching neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc.

At neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc we're different, and we're confident you'll notice the difference. And if you don't notice the difference then we've got a homeopathic cure for that!

How does homeopathy work?
No actual scientist knows but homeopathic practitioners will tell you that water, like the brain, has the ability to remember things. Put salt in water and you've got saltwater. Take the salt from the saltwater and you've got water that remembers being salty even if it isn't salty and is just plain water. Drink that plain, salt-free water and you've just got all the benefits of salt transferred from the memory brain of the water droplets into your pancreas or spine. Doctors with years of training behind them can't understand how it can possibly work but people who crush herbs and sell macrame clothing to the elderly know and that's good enough for us.

At neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc you can forget all about traditional homeopathy remedies for minor ailments such as "a bit of a cough" or "a hard-to-reach itch" or "cancer of the lower intestines" because we certainly have. neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc are pioneers in new and exciting homeopathy medicine.

Why not take a look at some of the incredible remedies from our innovative Aqua range!

Homeopathic Treatment For Drowning
Are you drowning right now? Have you drowned in the past? Do you expect to drown in the near future? Drowning affects one in three of us during our lifetime and for many people drowning can be a life-changing experience they would rather not undertake. Fortunately, there's a homeopathic remedy for drowning proven to alleviate the symptoms in four-fifths of cases by our highly-guarded, not-so-highly-regarded Homeopathy Research Laboratory run by genuine people who genuinely claim to be genuine doctors.

Dihydrous oxide is our flagship homeopathy treatment to relieve the suffering of drowners. Dihydrous oxide is present in most water responsible for drowning making it the perfect ingredient to help build up your body's natural defence against breathing in water. This highly-diluted infusion of dihydrous oxide in water acts on your cellular tissue causing hydration of the membranes. Breathe in and take orally until the dihydrous oxide goes down the wrong pipe. The memory of breathing water will now be transferred to your own brain and you'll not do that again in a hurry. ORDER NOW »

Homeopathic Treatment For Paralysing Fear Of Rain
Do you find yourself staying indoors when it rains? Have you bought an umbrella to protect yourself from rain? Do you prefer your clothes to be dry rather than drenched through? Then you might just be suffering from a paralysing fear of rain.

Phobias, like physical ailments, are also treatable by homeopathy and with identical results too! Fear the rain no longer thanks to neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc.

The active ingredient you want here is pluvia; that's latin so you know it's good! We collect our pluvia from 100% natural, organic puddles. Pluvia is effective in removing inorganic salts which may be why it is so useful in reducing rain-fear complications in people who also are coated in inorganic salts. Our experts recommend taking the pluvia homeopathic remedy externally over your skin and clothing for maximum effectiveness in combatting a phobia of getting wet when it rains. ORDER NOW »

Homeopathic Treatment For Thirst
It's a sad fact, but being thirsty is one of the leading causes of death by dehydration. Hospital advice might be to drink some fluids but nobody knows what really goes on in hospitals so trusting the advice of so-called "medical professionals" is often hard for most of us.

If you're after a natural, homeopathic treatment for thirst that truly embraces the like-for-like philosophy of remedies then let us introduce you to water.

As with all our homeopathy concoctions at at neOnbubble Homeopathic Cures Ltd Gmbh Plc we dilute more than any other registered or unregistered homeopathic supplier in the western hemisphere, ensuring there is not one single trace of the original ingredient in what we sell to you. In this way we make certain that you get all the benefits of not suffering from any of the symptoms of ingesting the original, active ingredient without suffering any of the drawbacks of suffering from any of the symptoms of ingesting the original, active ingredient. Our water is diluted in distilled, natural water until there is no water remaining; just that 100% water with memory of water. Take water-based water to alleviate your thirst whenever you're feeling a bit dry. ORDER NOW »