Return Of The Uncut Bible

Comparing the various Bibles against the one true Bible – Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible – is an arduous task but that didn’t stop me before when we previously examined The Bible: Uncut and More Uncut Bible. And you can be certain it sure as hell won’t stop me now.

Kneel down, grab yourself a glass of Communion Wine, and pray before the altar of yet more passages from the only creditable and unedited Bible around.

Bible"Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Oh, except cats. They have a mind of their own, they do.’"

Genesis 1:26

The commander of the LORD’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’ And Joshua did so. But his feet were a bit ripe so the commander of the LORD’s army asked him to put them back on again."

Joshua 5:15

"That same night the LORD said to him, ‘Take the second bull from your father’s herd, the one seven years old. Tear down your father’s altar to Baal and cut down the Asherah pole beside it. Then build a proper kind of altar to the LORD your God on the top of this height. Using the wood of the Asherah pole that you cut down, offer the second bull as a burnt offering. Then pack a cooler with ice and fill it with bottles of beer. Make sure you defrost the buns. And don’t forget the ketchup. And can you get hold of disposable plates and cutlery? Awesome!’"

Judges 6:25-26

"The king said to me, ‘What is it you want?’

Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king, ‘Can we have our frisbee back please?’"

Nehemiah 2:4-5

"There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. It took him forever to sign his name which often ired other shoppers."

Samuel 1:1

"The company of the prophets at Bethel came out to Elisha and asked, ‘Do you know that the LORD is going to take your master from you today?’

‘Yes, I know,’ Elisha replied, ‘for the LORD sent me an email last night.’"

2 Kings 2:3

"When the enemies of Judah and Benjamin heard that the exiles were building a temple for the LORD, the God of Israel, they came to Zerubbabel and to the heads of the families and said, ‘Let us help you build because, like you, we seek your God and have been sacrificing to him since the time of Esarhaddon king of Assyria, who brought us here.’

But Zerubbabel, Jeshua and the rest of the heads of the families of Israel answered, ‘Your rates are too high mate. We’ve got Irish labourers and Polish carpenters in already and they’re much cheaper. Sorry.’"

Ezra 4:1-3

"When Mordecai learned of all that had been done, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the city, wailing loudly and bitterly. It was a terrible audition for Starlight Express."

Esther 4:1

"Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he ‘prayed’. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: “Why are you praying nude? And what are those magazines you’re reading?”"

Mark 1:35-37

"On another day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. And the LORD said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’

Satan answered the LORD, ‘I thought you were omniscient you big faker.’"

Job 2:1-2

Jesus"The LORD says, ‘The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles. Therefore the Lord will bring sores on the heads of the women of Zion; the LORD will make their scalps bald.’ But the LORD has recently had a bad break-up and is just angry. Give Him time and He’ll probably calm down a bit."

Isaiah 3:16-17

"’In that day,’ declares the LORD, ‘I will gather the lame; I will assemble the exiles and those I have brought to grief. And I will give them all coupons. That should make up for it.’"

Micah 4:6

"I looked, and I saw a windstorm coming out of the north – an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The centre of the fire looked like glowing metal, and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was that of a man, but each of them had four faces and four wings. Although, to be fair, I was on some killer medication for my cold. It might have been a seagull."

Ezekiel 1:4-6

"When Herod saw Jesus, he was greatly pleased, because for a long time he had been wanting to see him but there was a massive waiting list for tickets."

Luke 8:23

"On the twenty-fourth day of the first month, as I was standing on the bank of the great river, the Tigris, I looked up and there before me was a man dressed in linen, with a belt of the finest gold around his waist. His body was like chrysolite, his face like lightning, his eyes like flaming torches, his arms and legs like the gleam of burnished bronze, and his voice like the sound of a multitude. I didn’t fancy him though. I’m not a gay or anything. No you shut up."

Daniel 10:4-6

"Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard for the LORD had put bugging devices in the teapot and the curtains."

Malachi 3:16

"When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son because pregnant chicks did nothing for him."

Matthew 1:24-25

Author: Mark

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2 Comments

  1. This reminds me a little of Christopher Moore’s book, ‘Lamb: the Gospel according to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Friend.’ I laughed so hard while reading Lamb. Only there really isn’t much scripture quoting by Biff. (Daniel 10:4-6 is going on my fridge.)

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  2. Regarding Matthew 1:24-25
    I always felt sorry for Joseph, it’s not like he was going to get much sex after the birth either, poor chap.

    (Makes me suspicious what all those animals are doing in the nativity scene)

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