More Uncut Bible
Congressmen stalk teenage boys!
Countries threaten nuclear tests!
Tottenham Hotspur players cheat to win games!
Gunmen really have it in for schools!
In these trying times – perhaps trying end-times – we need to take some time out and look to the good book for comfort. I’ve misplaced my copy of Field Dressing and Butchering Rabbits, Squirrels and Other Small Game: Step-by-step Instructions, from Field to Table by Monte Burch so will instead have to dust off my copy of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible once more; of all the numerous versions of The Bible out there it’s the only one I trust to impart the truth as God intended.
"These were his instructions: ‘Take nothing for the journey except a staff – no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them. And cancel the milk before you leave or it will mount up on your doorstep and go off.’"
"And in the days of Artaxerxes king of Persia, Bishlam, Mithredath, Tabeel and the rest of his associates wrote a letter to Artaxerxes. The letter was written in Aramaic script and in the Aramaic language. Which was a pity as Artaxerxes could only read Spanish."
"In the Most Holy Place he made a pair of sculptured cherubim and overlaid them with gold. The total wingspan of the cherubim was twenty cubits. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long and touched the temple wall, while its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the other cherub. Similarly one wing of the second cherub was five cubits long and touched the other temple wall, and its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the first cherub. If a third cherub, half the size of the other cherubim, is placed between those two so that their wings all still touch what is the total wingspan in cubits? Show your working."
"When the ark of the LORD’s covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, ‘What’s all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?’
When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, the Philistines were afraid. ‘Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it no matter what happens,’ they shouted."
"In the eighth month, in the second year of Darius, came the word of the LORD unto Zechariah, the son of Berechiah, the son of Iddo the prophet, saying
‘The LORD hath been sore displeased with your fathers.’
‘What-Ever’ said Zechariah making a W-sign with his fingers."
"Now Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’ And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.
Then the LORD said to Cain, ‘Where is your brother Abel?’
‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’ he replied. ‘Perhaps he popped out for cigarettes.’
And the LORD bought it."
"Then Jesus said to his host, ‘When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbours; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.’
And the host replied, ‘If you didn’t want to invite me back to yours all you had to do was say so. Christ! Why’s everything a bloody allegory or parable with you?’"
"I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, ‘Come!’ I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest.
That’s when I knew I had to quit eating mushrooms."
"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Remember this should you be tempted to invite the LORD around for a poker evening."
"When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed three or three and a half miles they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified for Jesus was livid. ‘Did you not see me by the boats on shore?’ he asked. ‘I turn around for a minute and off you go galavanting. Look at my sandals! Look at them! They’re ruined, they are!’"