Secret Gospel Chapter: Revealed!
Jesus then left that place and went into the hills beyond the Jordan to his miraculous water-into-moonshine still.
"Teacher," said James and John in unison, for that was their way and very annoying it was too, "don’t you remember what happened last time?" But Jesus was indignant and drank into the early evening.
Jesus and his disciples made their way through the region of Judea and many were the crowds that flocked to them. A very young woman approached Jesus with tears streaming down her face and fell to her knees before him. "Good teacher," she exclaimed, "I have been violated by my father’s brother while I slept – I think the goat’s milk was doped – and now I have become pregnant. The apothecary has refused to sell me any wormroot so that I may induce a miscarriage on moral grounds and my doctor says that my body is too underdeveloped and I will most likely not survive the term of pregnancy and that, even if I did, my child will have six toes and an overbite."
"Was it any good?" asked Jesus before Simon Peter could clap his hands over the Son of Man’s mouth. Thomas answered the woman: "I doubt that Jesus meant it quite that way. Clearly, great harm will come from this and it is only right that you have some wormroot. We shall pay a little visit to the apothecary and convince the owner of the error of his ways. If we’re not careful then kebab shops will be employing vegetarians next and nobody will be able to order lamb doners."
"We’ll do no such thing!" shouted Jesus. "Life is a gift from God and cannot be discarded. No. Matter. What! Got it?" The young woman started crying again and asked "Then who gave me the gifts of rape and almost-certain death, good teacher? If it wasn’t God then can they be discarded instead?" And Jesus answered "What? Hey, let’s go to Jerusalem!"
While Jesus was distracted Thomas handed the young woman a card with the name and address of a coathanger manufacturer written upon it and shrugged his shoulders apologetically.
They were on their way to Jerusalem with Jesus in front supported by two of his disciples when Jesus stopped and turned to the twelve. Raising his hands he said "Listen to me, all of you who would call yourself a follower of the way of the Lord!" and his disciples fell silent thinking that Jesus had sobered up. "I’m tired of walking but there is a man named Bartomas across the road who runs an orphanage and who has donkeys, one for each of us. Who’s going to nick them?"
Paul stepped forward and said "Jesus, Bartomas may not be a saint but he has done nothing to warrant the stealing of his livestock. Let us continue walking or find another way."
"I tell you now that I have secret information indicating that Bartomas has hidden minions of Satan in and around his orphanage and that he could release these minions within 45 minutes to kill us all. It is our duty before God to make sure this doesn’t happen. And if we happen to come away with donkeys afterwards, then clearly that was what God wanted all along."
But Paul was not convinced. "Jesus, just where does this secret information come from? And, is there not a danger that the children could be hurt?"
Jesus replied "I cannot reveal my sources for security reasons but I will tell you this: those children are mostly foreigners and do not believe in God in quite the same way as you do. Their sacrifice, therefore, is perfectly fine. You heard it from me so it must be true."
And so it came to pass that the twelve attacked the orphanage of Bartomas using precision-guided flaming brands and all of the children were burnt alive. After, the disciples discussed it among themselves for they feared that they had broken the commandments and would not find a place in Heaven. But Jesus, atop his donkey who he named Barjesus (that is, the son of Jesus), praised his followers saying "I’ve got a lot of influence up there. Don’t worry about it." And Simon Peter offered up a silent prayer that the effects of the moonshine would wear off soon.
They arrived in Jerusalem and Jesus walked through the temple courts until such time as he came up to a group of elders and teachers of the law surrounding two men. "What’s going on here?" asked Jesus.
"These two men have come to us and claimed that God’s gift of love has united them and they wish to formalise their feelings legally so that everyone can know how happy they are. Truly, it is good news when two children of God find each other and we were celebrating."
But Jesus was angry and cast aside a table. "Two men? Together? You’re sick, the lot of you! I don’t care if they’ve been given feelings by God and are acting on them, the fact is it’s, well, icky. Man. Woman. Thousands of kids. Period. Take them out, hang them, and then feed the body to the rats. Trust me: that’s what God wants."
After the two men were brutally murdered and chopped up a respected elder named Ann approached Jesus. "We have done as you commanded this time teacher even though it seems to fly in the face of everything we’ve heard about you: tolerant, peaceful, intelligent, that sort of thing. Won’t this type of behaviour give Christians a bad name and if we have been misled in our actions will God still let us join the ranks of the heavenly host?"
Jesus replied "It is harder for a camel’s eye to break the back of a rich man than, wait, that’s not it. Look, Ann is it?, if you act against God’s Will then you’re going to burn for all eternity unless what you do is in God’s name. It’s a legal loophole. I studied at Bethlehem law school for a couple of years before the whole disciples following me around and gospel-writers hanging on thing kicked off. I’m Jesus: trust me! Anyway, more importantly, what is a woman doing in a position of responsibility? You should be at home cooking, washing, and having straight children. Hop to it love." And Ann giggled like a schoolgirl and disappeared down an alley where she was set upon by Roman soldiers, raped, convicted of adultery, and stoned to death after the premature birth of her deformed baby girl seven months later.
Then Jesus and his disciples left Jerusalem for they were told of a charitable man living in a cave nearby who had lived in the city until he was attacked by robbers and now had nothing left to give. Jesus didn’t want to go but John said it would be good for the book.
In the cave they found the charitable man in a state of distress; his clothes and beard were dirty and his bruises were plenty. "Look Jesus, will you not help this man who has helped others all his life but who has now lost everything?" asked James and John as one. They received nasty looks.
"This man has nothing now but it is his own fault. He needs to get educated and learn a new skill. I’ve got a voucher for reduced lesson costs at Gethsemane night school; can’t say fairer than that."
But the disciples were not happy and they pressed Jesus to be a little nicer. So Jesus asked the poor man "Tell me how you lost your ability to help others." The charitable man told of his good work with families, the downtrodden, children, and teaching others how to behave humanely until the day he was set upon by a vicious gang from Nazareth and beaten to within an inch of his life.
"I was born in Nazareth!" exclaimed Jesus. "Na-za-reth! Na-za-reth! Na-za-reth! Everybody!" But the disciples were shocked and Paul said "Teacher, why it it that a good man falls on bad times but you are more interested in proclaiming support for your hometown? What lesson are you imparting here so that we may understand it better?"
And Jesus said "There is no love greater than that a man support his hometown even in the face of apparently more important concerns. The zealous man is beloved in God’s eyes."
But Barjesus the donkey was not happy with this explanation and kicked Jesus in the head knocking him unconscious. The disciples gathered around in distress but Philip calmed them down saying "It is better that Jesus sleep it off so that he may more swiftly return to normal and do less damage. I believe this to be an act of God."
The next day Jesus gathered the gospel-writers to him and said "Holy moonshine is the best but seriously, I’d like you all to not write about the last couple of days, thanks" and Matthew, Luke, and John agreed. But Mark said "Jesus, was it not you who told us how important the scene in Biloxi Blues was where Eugene made to rip out a page from his diary and Arnold convinced him not to censor his thoughts?" Jesus replied "I also told you that we shouldn’t mention inventions from the future especially when it involved Judas’ pirated videos. God? A little help here?"
Jesus and Mark and the Metatron discussed the moral standpoint until they reached a compromise: Mark’s gospel chapter would only be readable by those who could do the least amount of harm from it – the poorly-educated people of the vast land across the sea – while it would remain invisible and undiscovered by everyone else until the time of the Al Gore Interconnected World Network (powered by harnessed lightning) had been invented and matured. In return Mark would gain exclusive rights to the secret chapter in perpetuity.
Jesus called his followers to him to tell them of the good news saying "Every day in God’s service is a good day but today will be held up and celebrated forever more in Heaven for today we have ensured that those who come afterwards in my name will only ever do good. Blessed be the Christians! Is anyone up for some moonshine?"
And Jesus was buried beneath a pile of disciples.