Florida

In this modern age of wireless communications, microwaveable rice, alarm clocks for dogs, squirrel mind-control helmets, and intrusion-detecting toasters the definition of what makes a "good friend" has become smudged in the dictionary of life and scribbled over so many times by illiterate children allowed to flick through the books on the shelves of the library of existence without supervision. Is a good friend someone who eats Santa with fava beans and a big glass of lemonade? I don’t know. Does a good friend break into your house and work up a sweat while wearing your underwear? Not any more. What I do know is that if a good friend is someone you’ve never met, never conversed with, and never seen undraped photos of then Sonnie Cheeba is two-thirds of the way to being about as good a friend as I have right now.

FloridaYou care for good friends, right? I’m sure you do. I think I read it somewhere or it was in the lyrics to the theme song of some TV show. That must be why it pains me to hear that Cheeba has no job right now. He’s talented (he claims), hard-working (it’s rumoured), and has just celebrated four years without spraying urine into the face of a colleague (lie).

Cheeba recently moved to the United States from some little island not in the United States. Specifically, he moved to Florida. On a map it’s the state that looks like the flaccid penis with congenital warts. Incidentally, that’s just how I like to remember it. I’m pretty sure there are no signs on the highways reading "Welcome To Florida: The Flaccid Warty Dick State! Have A Nice Day!" in case you’re driving around looking for it right now.

I could sympathise and I could empathise were it not for the botched ingrowing nose operation that splintered my emotion ganglion. Doctors say I may never experience those feelings for another human being again and that I may become overly attached to grapefruit but what do doctors know? Sitting there in their mahogany offices with their mahogany computers. Filling out forms with teak pencils and laughing at the documentary on their rosewood television set about grapefruit pillaging in the 14th century. Those heartless, heartless bastards!

Instead, I’ve arranged for a little thinking time with the supervisor ants that run my brain and decided to see if I can’t help my good friend Cheeba without actually, you know, helping him. It’s the Christian thing to do.

Florida: Tourist Information

One of the last states to crash into the mainland of America (April 17th, 1927 is known as Collision Day), Florida quickly gained popularity among the citizens of the continental land mass due to its high proportion of "interesting things to do and see" (compared to established states like Georgia, South Carolina, North Dakota, and BettyBoopShire (destroyed during atomic testing in 1947)).

Although the dollar is widely accepted by the retail and service industry the unit of currency of choice is Gloria Estefan memorabilia. A mint condition copy of the 1989 album ‘Cuts Both Ways’ will get you a beachfront property in Orlando, for instance. Your own rendition of ‘Don’t Wanna Lose You’ is probably enough to buy a bagel. You’ll never starve in Florida as long as Gloria is in your heart.

For a young, gifted, and enterprising man or woman in need of employment Wyoming has nothing. Florida has it all!

Dolphins & Alligators

People of Florida, when asked to name a famous type of animal related to their state, will almost always say either "dolphin" or "alligator" and only rarely say "polar bear with a marmot on its back". Yes, only Florida has legalised the sport of Dolphin-Gator wrestling.

Weekly bouts take place across the length and breadth of Florida culminating in the year-end final in Tallahassee. People have been known to stake their entire Gloria Estefan back catalogue on the victor being the clawed, scaly creature with the long rows of yellow teeth and lifeless eyes but are usually persuaded instead to choose an alligator or dolphin over the cast of The Golden Girls. Ha ha, no that’s a joke: their wager is accepted and they are left to die in the swamp.

Thrilling Job Prospect!: Between rounds and bouts it is customary for a beautiful woman or handsome man to parade around the Pit Of Carnage holding a sign depicting the round number or an advert for a doctor specialising in cleaning dolphin venom from eyes. Cheeba: you could be that man who cleans the sign down.

Disneyworld

More-or-less a permanent home to tens of thousands of kids and hordes of people who make their living from dressing up as animals. Disneyworld, therefore, fits my personal definition of "the horriblest place on Earth" perfectly. But some people seem to like it.

Thrilling Job Prospect!: Walt Disney is often linked with Nazis but only briefly before human-sized mice in gestapo outfits convince the accuser otherwise. Cheeba: you could travel back in time and take a photograph of Walt meeting Goebbels, then return to the present era and blackmail his descendants. You can easily get an employee’s discount for life if you play your cards right.

Old People

In truth anyone of any age who lives in Florida for more than six months in any year will find that excessive sunshine and humidity levels averaging at 249% typically renders them indistinguishable from pensioners but that shouldn’t detract from the fact that Florida is still home to over three-quarters of America’s retired population.

Did You Know? If the wrinkles in Florida’s elderly population were smoothed out the excess skin could cover the playing surfaces of 1,000 football fields! It’s a shame that nobody plays football on liver-spotted skin with the smell of lavender ingrained or this would have happened already.

Old people, in general, are a burden to their relatives and an abomination against nature. Only the mighty power of the pharmaceutical giants insists on keeping them around and fleecing the insurance companies so that they can fleece everyone else.

Thrilling Job Prospect!: In order to stay alive old people of Florida need anywhere between ten and three hundred different drugs every day. Only then can they enjoy cooking in their own sweat under their mumu while cauterising their cataracts through over-staring at the sunset. Some of these drugs are administered intravenously. Some of these drugs are taken with a little water. Some of these drugs require alternative administration. Cheeba: you could "facilitate" this alternative administration. Tipping for additional services is apparently very good and there’s always the chance you could be added to a will here or there too.

Will Smith

Will Smith may not live in Miami but he did have a hit with that song.

Thrilling Job Prospect!: Hit Will Smith for cash!

Spring Break

When students finally get a break from partying, drinking, and annoying the living crap out of everyone around them they like nothing better than heading off to somewhere hot and sunny like Florida for a spot of partying, drinking, annoying the living crap out everyone around them and being harrassed by porn companies and MTV. Yes, it’s Spring Break!

FloridaCentred on any of Florida’s many shark-infested beaches, Spring Break sees the arrival of every skinny female student and muscly male student in North America for a week of of raucous, mostly-nude behaviour. Beer kegs are dropped onto the white sands by Hercules aircraft and tax from sales of batteries for stereos and digital cameras funds six months of state-wide recovery programmes for victims of seeing Billy Crystal and Gregory Hines rollerskate in Florida with short shorts and long socks in the film Running Scared.

Pictures of female students lifting up their tops to reveal their pert student breasts flood the internet. Owners of websites try to think of new ways to describe the phenomenon of student flashers so as to attract in search engine traffic during Spring Break week, wondering "just what would someone looking for pictures of students exposing their breasts in Florida be looking for exactly?" I would never do that, though, as the web is saturated enough.

Thrilling Job Prospect!: It’s a sad fact that the end of Spring Break sees the beaches of Florida littered by orphaned bikini tops. Cheeba: you could use your superior sense of smell to reunite the owners to their attire. The owners won’t pay you but television shows love sexual freaks who keep getting slapped and arrested.

Cape Canaveral Kennedy Canaveral Jeb

Whenever you’re in Florida and you hear a distant roar and feel the ground beneath your feet reverberate then you can feel sure that either the Bush clan’s plan for fast-tracking the Rapture have come to fruition or it’s the day of a piss-yourself-with-excitement space launch.

Thrilling Job Prospect!: Apart from space accidents what else do space launches have plenty of? If you said "distracted scientists" then give yourself a pat on the back. Cheeba: you can mug astromomers and astrophysicists while their minds are concentrating on flashing buttons and twinkling knobs. You can never have too many calculators, ballpoint pens, and explicit photos of Stephen Hawking! A thriving black market exists on Daytona Beach to exchange those mugged goods for valuable assets such as glossy Gloria Estefan photos or precious, lovely grapefruits with their delicate, pretty skins.

I’ve done what I can to help. Now it’s your turn. Please think lucky thoughts in Cheeba‘s general direction. Thankyou.

Author: Mark

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3 Comments

  1. I am not at all attracted to alligators, but may I hump (dry, if necessary) the brave young man in that photo?

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  2. Well, it’s been a while since I pimped anyone but I’ll see what I can arrange.

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  3. Wow, I’m sorry that I am only now seeing your BEST ARTICLE EVER!!! that coincidentally featured the words "cheeba" and "nostaljack" no less than five times.

    Another day, another retarded job interview. I swear, I must be getting desperate to be applying for computer work at a home for underprivilidged children, whose idea of awesome technology is windows 95, osr2, soon to be upgraded to windows 98.

    If I hadn’t watched the movie "Constantine" the other day, I would have attempted slitting my wrists but unforutnately, Keanu has shown me that this would buy me a first class ticket straight to hell and possibly affect my 75 wpm typing speed, and as you know, I can live with going to hell but never with diminished internet usage efficiency.

    Now as rev. doright used to always tell me when i was younger, around last week or so, "Hallelujah when I do ya," in the name of the lord. Amen.

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