Hey! Fundamentalist lunatic? Then you’ll love some more choice quotes from the only uncut, uncensored bible you’ll ever need:

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, ‘I think I’m still drunk’ and he went and had a sleep by a rock.

Exodus 3:1-3

So at that time we took from these two kings of the Amorites the territory east of the Jordan, from the Arnon Gorge as far as Mount Hermon. (Hermon is called Sirion by the Sidonians; the Amorites call it Senir.) We took all the towns on the plateau, and all Gilead, and all Bashan as far as Salekah and Edrei, towns of Og’s kingdom in Bashan. But then Joseph rolled two sixes and launched a counter attack from Kamchatka that eventually saw him crowned Risk champion for the third month in a row.

Deuteronomy 3:8-11

So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, ‘You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.’ But I was careful not to say anything about goats. I really like goats.

Hosea 3:2-3

But Leonard was filled with pride and mead – mostly mead – and proclaimed: ‘They wouldn’t dare edit me out.’

Leonard 5:3-4

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, ‘Are you for us or for our enemies?’

‘Neither,’ he replied, ‘but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come.’ Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’

The commander of the LORD’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’ And Joshua did so. And the commander of the LORD’s army ran off with Joshua’s sandals because he was really Tobiah the sandal fetishist.

Joshua 5:13-15

That night the king could not sleep; so he ordered the book of the chronicles, the record of his reign, to be brought in and read to him. When that failed the king asked for anything by Thomas Hardy instead. ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’ did the trick.

Esther 6:1

So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them, and the women exclaimed, ‘Can this be Naomi?’

‘Don’t call me Naomi,’ she told them. ‘Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.’

And the women in the town exclaimed ‘Oh, great, just what we need, another fucking emo’.

Ruth 1:19-20

Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, ‘Take off his filthy clothes. Slowly. Slower than that. And let’s have some music.’

Zechariah 3:3-4

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ they said. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. ‘Whoa!’ Elisha said to the LORD. ‘Disproportionate! I was thinking bald spots might be more apt.’

2 Kings 2:23-24

The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, ‘This atlas is yours free with a subscription to Readers Digest. Okay, I can see you’re not tempted. I’ll try something else.’

Luke 4:5-6

When Solomon finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. The priests could not enter the temple of the LORD because the glory of the LORD filled it. At least, this was the story that was submitted to the insurance company explaining the arson at the temple.

2 Chronicles 7:1-2

In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, so the king asked me, ‘Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.’

I was very much afraid, but I said to the king, ‘Well, duh!’

Nehemiah 2:1-3

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. ‘Have you thought about a longer, stupider name?’ they asked Job.

Job 2:11

Their faces looked like this: Each of the four had the face of a human being, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle. Such were their faces. They each had two wings spreading out upward, each wing touching that of the creature on either side; and each had two other wings covering its body. Each one went straight ahead. Wherever the spirit would go, they would go, without turning as they went. The appearance of the living creatures was like burning coals of fire or like torches. Fire moved back and forth among the creatures; it was bright, and lightning flashed out of it. I’m really not doing it any justice. You really had to be there.

Ezekiel 1:10-13

‘I have loved you,’ says the LORD.

‘But you ask, “How have you loved us?” And the answer is: Rohypnol and Vaseline. I’m not proud of myself.’

Malachi 1:2

After the exile to Babylon: Jeconiah was the father of Shealtiel, Shealtiel the father of Zerubbabel, Zerubbabel the father of Abihud, Abihud the father of Eliakim, Eliakim the father of Azor, Azor the father of Zadok, Zadok the father of Akim, Akim and his life-partner Raoul adopted Elihud but we gloss over that, Elihud the father of Eleazar, Eleazar the father of Matthan, Matthan the father of Jacob, and Jacob the father of Joseph, the second husband of Mary, and Mary was the mother of Jesus who is called the Messiah.

Matthew 1:12-16

Then the herald loudly proclaimed, ‘Nations and peoples of every language, this is what you are commanded to do: As soon as you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.’

Therefore, as soon as they heard the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music, all the nations and peoples of every language fell down and worshiped the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

And the herald laughed and loudly proclaimed, ‘I didn’t say ‘Simon says: nations and peoples of every language, this is what you are commanded to do”.

Daniel 3:4-7

There sure can!

Are you kneeling comfortably? Then we’ll begin.

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. But God was definitely doing this as a punishment or for research and God definitely didn’t approve of or like any of what he saw even though he let it go on for a long time and watching it all didn’t turn him strange or anything.

Romans 1:26-27

The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die. And avoid the luxurious bath of luxury as it contains liquid death. Also, do not press the big red button with the words ‘PRESS ME’ flashing on it for it controls the auto-destruct system. Why are you looking at me like that?’

Genesis 2:15-17

Then Haggai said, ‘If a person defiled by contact with a dead body touches one of these things, does it become defiled?’

‘No,’ the priests replied, but they were wrong and did not receive a cheese for their Science and Nature question.

Haggai 2:13

That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered at the door, and Jesus tried to explain that they really shouldn’t have built their town on a Hellmouth.

Mark 1:32-34

Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Likewise for the ball gag and crotch rope.

Phillipians 1:12-13

Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, ‘With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man’. And Adam became suspicious at this remark and demanded a DNA test.

Genesis 4:1-2

The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, ‘Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is the one I meant when I said, ‘A man who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.” And the now-confused Pharisees who were with John made signs behind his back to indicate they all thought he had been drinking heavily again.

John 1:29-30

Moses answered, ‘What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ”The LORD did not appear to you”?’

Then the LORD said to him, ‘Take this photograph of the two of us together holding today’s stone tablet news.’

Exodus 4:1-2

Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, ‘Take off his filthy clothes.’

Then he said to Joshua, ‘See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you.’

Then I said, ‘Put a clean turban on his head.’ So they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him, while the angel of the LORD stood by. Then the angel said ‘That’s much better. Now you’re ready for your Extreme Makeover reveal.’

Zechariah 3:3-5

‘I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish’. And the donkeys and the hippos and the squirrels and the tyrannosaurus rexes were upset for they didn’t think they’d done anything wrong.

Genesis 6:17

On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of a Scalextric set. But Mary said that Jesus was too young to play with toy cars and so they gave her the receipt in order that she could take it back to the shops and pick up some myrrh.

Matthew 2:11

About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. Peter asked her, ‘Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?’

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘that is the price.’ After some applause Peter then produced a rabbit from a turban and finished with his sawing-a-Pharisee-in-half trick.

Acts 5:7-8

He said to them, ‘Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well. And if they can’t do all that stuff then they’re big, fat fakers and should be stoned to death. Remember that. That’s really important. Don’t forget that bit. I mean it.’

Mark 16:15-18

Then the Jews demanded of him, ‘What miraculous sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?’

Jesus answered them, ‘Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.’

The Jews replied, ‘It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?’ But the temple he had spoken of was his body and the Jews had not immediately understood the metaphor thereby leaving them with a great pile of rubble in the centre of Jerusalem and a judge who threw out their case for compensation for breach of contract on account of it being verbal, hearsay, and irrelevant since Jesus was long dead by the time it reached court anyway.

John 2:18-21

At midnight the LORD struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the firstborn of all the livestock as well. And the cows and the sheep and the chickens and the pterosaurs spent much of the night wondering what it was they’d done to annoy God this time.

Exodus 12:29

Kneel down, grab yourself a glass of Communion Wine, and pray before the altar of yet more passages from the only credible and unedited Bible around.

Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Oh, except cats. They have a mind of their own, they do.’

Genesis 1:26

The commander of the LORD’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’ And Joshua did so. But his feet were a bit ripe so the commander of the LORD’s army asked him to put them back on again.

Joshua 5:15

That same night the LORD said to him, ‘Take the second bull from your father’s herd, the one seven years old. Tear down your father’s altar to Baal and cut down the Asherah pole beside it. Then build a proper kind of altar to the LORD your God on the top of this height. Using the wood of the Asherah pole that you cut down, offer the second bull as a burnt offering. Then pack a cooler with ice and fill it with bottles of beer. Make sure you defrost the buns. And don’t forget the ketchup. And can you get hold of disposable plates and cutlery? Awesome!’

Judges 6:25-26

The king said to me, ‘What is it you want?’

Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king, ‘Can we have our frisbee back please?’

Nehemiah 2:4-5

There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. It took him forever to sign his name which often ired other shoppers.

Samuel 1:1

The company of the prophets at Bethel came out to Elisha and asked, ‘Do you know that the LORD is going to take your master from you today?’

‘Yes, I know,’ Elisha replied, ‘for the LORD sent me an email last night.’

2 Kings 2:3

When the enemies of Judah and Benjamin heard that the exiles were building a temple for the LORD, the God of Israel, they came to Zerubbabel and to the heads of the families and said, ‘Let us help you build because, like you, we seek your God and have been sacrificing to him since the time of Esarhaddon king of Assyria, who brought us here.’

But Zerubbabel, Jeshua and the rest of the heads of the families of Israel answered, ‘Your rates are too high mate. We’ve got Irish labourers and Polish carpenters in already and they’re much cheaper. Sorry.’

Ezra 4:1-3

When Mordecai learned of all that had been done, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the city, wailing loudly and bitterly. It was a terrible audition for Starlight Express.

Esther 4:1

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he ‘prayed’. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: ‘Why are you praying nude? And what are those magazines you’re reading?’

Mark 1:35-37

On another day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. And the LORD said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’

Satan answered the LORD, ‘I thought you were omniscient you big faker.’

Job 2:1-2

The LORD says, ‘The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles. Therefore the Lord will bring sores on the heads of the women of Zion; the LORD will make their scalps bald.’ But the LORD has recently had a bad break-up and is just angry. Give Him time and He’ll probably calm down a bit.

Isaiah 3:16-17

‘In that day,’ declares the LORD, ‘I will gather the lame; I will assemble the exiles and those I have brought to grief. And I will give them all coupons. That should make up for it.’

Micah 4:6

I looked, and I saw a windstorm coming out of the north – an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The centre of the fire looked like glowing metal, and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was that of a man, but each of them had four faces and four wings. Although, to be fair, I was on some killer medication for my cold. It might have been a seagull.

Ezekiel 1:4-6

When Herod saw Jesus, he was greatly pleased, because for a long time he had been wanting to see him but there was a massive waiting list for tickets.

Luke 8:23

On the twenty-fourth day of the first month, as I was standing on the bank of the great river, the Tigris, I looked up and there before me was a man dressed in linen, with a belt of the finest gold around his waist. His body was like chrysolite, his face like lightning, his eyes like flaming torches, his arms and legs like the gleam of burnished bronze, and his voice like the sound of a multitude. I didn’t fancy him though. I’m not a gay or anything. No you shut up.

Daniel 10:4-6

Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard for the LORD had put bugging devices in the teapot and the curtains.

Malachi 3:16

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son because pregnant chicks did nothing for him.

Matthew 1:24-25

Countries threaten nuclear tests!

Tottenham Hotspur players cheat to win games!

Gunmen really have it in for schools!

In these trying times – perhaps trying end-times – we need to take some time out and look to the good book for comfort. I’ve misplaced my copy of Field Dressing and Butchering Rabbits, Squirrels and Other Small Game: Step-by-step Instructions, from Field to Table by Monte Burch so will instead have to dust off my copy of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible once more; of all the numerous versions of The Bible out there it’s the only one I trust to impart the truth as God intended.

These were his instructions: ‘Take nothing for the journey except a staff – no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them. And cancel the milk before you leave or it will mount up on your doorstep and go off.’

Mark 6:8-11

And in the days of Artaxerxes king of Persia, Bishlam, Mithredath, Tabeel and the rest of his associates wrote a letter to Artaxerxes. The letter was written in Aramaic script and in the Aramaic language. Which was a pity as Artaxerxes could only read Spanish.

Ezra 4:7

In the Most Holy Place he made a pair of sculptured cherubim and overlaid them with gold. The total wingspan of the cherubim was twenty cubits. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long and touched the temple wall, while its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the other cherub. Similarly one wing of the second cherub was five cubits long and touched the other temple wall, and its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the first cherub. If a third cherub, half the size of the other cherubim, is placed between those two so that their wings all still touch what is the total wingspan in cubits? Show your working.

2 Chronicles 3:10-13

When the ark of the LORD’s covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, ‘What’s all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?’

When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, the Philistines were afraid. ‘Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it no matter what happens,’ they shouted.

1 Samuel 4:5-7

In the eighth month, in the second year of Darius, came the word of the LORD unto Zechariah, the son of Berechiah, the son of Iddo the prophet, saying

‘The LORD hath been sore displeased with your fathers.’

‘What-Ever’ said Zechariah making a W-sign with his fingers.

Zecharah 1:1-2

Now Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’ And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

Then the LORD said to Cain, ‘Where is your brother Abel?’

‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’ he replied. ‘Perhaps he popped out for cigarettes.’

And the LORD bought it.

Genesis 4:8-9

Then Jesus said to his host, ‘When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbours; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.’

And the host replied, ‘If you didn’t want to invite me back to yours all you had to do was say so. Christ! Why’s everything a bloody allegory or parable with you?’

Luke 14:12-14

I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, ‘Come!’ I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest.

That’s when I knew I had to quit eating mushrooms.

Revelations 6:1-2

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Remember this should you be tempted to invite the LORD around for a poker evening.

Hebrews 4:13

When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed three or three and a half miles they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified for Jesus was livid. ‘Did you not see me by the boats on shore?’ he asked. ‘I turn around for a minute and off you go galavanting. Look at my sandals! Look at them! They’re ruined, they are!’

John 6:16-19

Personally, I like Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible with its faithfully-restored passages deliberately left untranscribed in other versions by the prudish monks of ye olde medievale tymes. What other Bible uplifts you quite like this?

Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry, not to mention stung to buggery by scorpions. He had a lovely tan though.

Luke 4:1-2

The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, ‘What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?’

‘Worst. Sailors. Ever’ he replied and the men, who were fearful and drunk on clam juice, threw Jonah overboard into a passing fish.

Jonah 1:11-14

‘I will send fire upon the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus; I will destroy the king who is in the Valley of Aven and the one who holds the sceptre in Beth Eden. The people of Aram will go into exile to Kir. I mean it. You’re all for it unless the person who stole my wallet owns up’ says the Lord.

Amos 1:4-5

The hand of the Lord was upon me there, and he said to me, ‘Get up and go out to the plain, and there I will speak to you.’ So I got up and went out to the plain and waited and wondered why the Lord couldn’t have spoken to me inside where it was warm but the Lord did not speak unto me. And so I went back in and someone had eaten my dinner.

Ezekiel 3:22-23

After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptised. Now John also was baptising at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were constantly coming to be baptised and so Jesus and John had an old-fashioned Baptise-Off which Jesus won narrowly after John suffered a temporary and suspicious bout of eye leprosy.

John 3:22-24

‘LOL. Boobies,’ said Judas Iscariot.

Matthew 27:5

To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. And sometimes He gives him a nasty cough too. That’ll learn him.

Ecclesiastes 2:26

‘Go at once,’ the king commanded Haman. ‘Get the robe and the horse and do just as you have suggested for Mordecai the Jew, who sits at the king’s gate. Do not neglect anything you have recommended and bring me back a kebab.’

So Haman got the robe and the horse. He robed Mordecai, and led him on horseback through the city streets, proclaiming before him, ‘This is what is done for the man the king delights to honour!’

Afterward Mordecai returned to the king’s gate. But Haman rushed home, with his head covered in grief, for he had forgotten the king’s kebab.

Esther 6:10-13

Elisha said to Gehazi, ‘Tuck your cloak into your belt, take my staff in your hand and run. If you meet anyone, do not greet him, and if anyone greets … whoa! What the hell are you doing to my penis?’ And Gehazi was ashamed for he had misconstrued Elisha’s command again.

2 Kings 4:29

One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. The people of Gaza were told, ‘Samson is here!’ So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, ‘At dawn we’ll kill him.’

But Samson was finished inside three minutes and had paid and left before the people of Gaza had arrived. And Samson climbed to the top of the hill that faces Hebron and cried himself to sleep.

Judges 16:1-3

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Yes, including that. And that. And that if he’s into it.

Ephesians 5:22-24

And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost but convinced Michael for best two out of three. The great dragon tied the war in the figure skating competition but Michael was unbeatable at strip ludo and the dragon lost. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

Revelation 12:7-9

‘The west end of the courtyard shall be fifty cubits wide and have curtains, with ten posts and ten bases. On the east end, toward the sunrise, the courtyard shall also be fifty cubits wide. Curtains fifteen cubits long are to be on one side of the entrance, with three posts and three bases, and curtains fifteen cubits long are to be on the other side, with three posts and three bases,’ said the Lord.

‘By Friday?’ asked Moses. ‘Can’t be done mate. Posts should be here but curtains are on backorder. All we’ve got are the eight cubits long ones which I can do at cost price. And we’ll be short one base too. Have you thought about blinds?’

Exodus 27:12-15

Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken to him: ‘Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.’ ‘Arse,’ said Peter.”

Mark 14:72