Hey! Fundamentalist lunatic? Then you’ll love some more choice quotes from the only uncut, uncensored bible you’ll ever need:

Now Moses was tending the flock of Jethro his father-in-law, the priest of Midian, and he led the flock to the far side of the wilderness and came to Horeb, the mountain of God. There the angel of the LORD appeared to him in flames of fire from within a bush. Moses saw that though the bush was on fire it did not burn up. So Moses thought, ‘I think I’m still drunk’ and he went and had a sleep by a rock.

Exodus 3:1-3

So at that time we took from these two kings of the Amorites the territory east of the Jordan, from the Arnon Gorge as far as Mount Hermon. (Hermon is called Sirion by the Sidonians; the Amorites call it Senir.) We took all the towns on the plateau, and all Gilead, and all Bashan as far as Salekah and Edrei, towns of Og’s kingdom in Bashan. But then Joseph rolled two sixes and launched a counter attack from Kamchatka that eventually saw him crowned Risk champion for the third month in a row.

Deuteronomy 3:8-11

So I bought her for fifteen shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, ‘You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will behave the same way toward you.’ But I was careful not to say anything about goats. I really like goats.

Hosea 3:2-3

But Leonard was filled with pride and mead – mostly mead – and proclaimed: ‘They wouldn’t dare edit me out.’

Leonard 5:3-4

Now when Joshua was near Jericho, he looked up and saw a man standing in front of him with a drawn sword in his hand. Joshua went up to him and asked, ‘Are you for us or for our enemies?’

‘Neither,’ he replied, ‘but as commander of the army of the LORD I have now come.’ Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’

The commander of the LORD’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’ And Joshua did so. And the commander of the LORD’s army ran off with Joshua’s sandals because he was really Tobiah the sandal fetishist.

Joshua 5:13-15

That night the king could not sleep; so he ordered the book of the chronicles, the record of his reign, to be brought in and read to him. When that failed the king asked for anything by Thomas Hardy instead. ‘Far from the Madding Crowd’ did the trick.

Esther 6:1

So the two women went on until they came to Bethlehem. When they arrived in Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them, and the women exclaimed, ‘Can this be Naomi?’

‘Don’t call me Naomi,’ she told them. ‘Call me Mara, because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the LORD has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi? The LORD has afflicted me; the Almighty has brought misfortune upon me.’

And the women in the town exclaimed ‘Oh, great, just what we need, another fucking emo’.

Ruth 1:19-20

Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, ‘Take off his filthy clothes. Slowly. Slower than that. And let’s have some music.’

Zechariah 3:3-4

From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ they said. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the LORD. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys. ‘Whoa!’ Elisha said to the LORD. ‘Disproportionate! I was thinking bald spots might be more apt.’

2 Kings 2:23-24

The devil led him up to a high place and showed him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to him, ‘This atlas is yours free with a subscription to Readers Digest. Okay, I can see you’re not tempted. I’ll try something else.’

Luke 4:5-6

When Solomon finished praying, fire came down from heaven and consumed the burnt offering and the sacrifices, and the glory of the LORD filled the temple. The priests could not enter the temple of the LORD because the glory of the LORD filled it. At least, this was the story that was submitted to the insurance company explaining the arson at the temple.

2 Chronicles 7:1-2

In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, so the king asked me, ‘Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.’

I was very much afraid, but I said to the king, ‘Well, duh!’

Nehemiah 2:1-3

When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. ‘Have you thought about a longer, stupider name?’ they asked Job.

Job 2:11

Their faces looked like this: Each of the four had the face of a human being, and on the right side each had the face of a lion, and on the left the face of an ox; each also had the face of an eagle. Such were their faces. They each had two wings spreading out upward, each wing touching that of the creature on either side; and each had two other wings covering its body. Each one went straight ahead. Wherever the spirit would go, they would go, without turning as they went. The appearance of the living creatures was like burning coals of fire or like torches. Fire moved back and forth among the creatures; it was bright, and lightning flashed out of it. I’m really not doing it any justice. You really had to be there.

Ezekiel 1:10-13

‘I have loved you,’ says the LORD.

‘But you ask, “How have you loved us?” And the answer is: Rohypnol and Vaseline. I’m not proud of myself.’

Malachi 1:2

After the exile to Babylon: Jeconiah was the father of Shealtiel, Shealtiel the father of Zerubbabel, Zerubbabel the father of Abihud, Abihud the father of Eliakim, Eliakim the father of Azor, Azor the father of Zadok, Zadok the father of Akim, Akim and his life-partner Raoul adopted Elihud but we gloss over that, Elihud the father of Eleazar, Eleazar the father of Matthan, Matthan the father of Jacob, and Jacob the father of Joseph, the second husband of Mary, and Mary was the mother of Jesus who is called the Messiah.

Matthew 1:12-16

Then the herald loudly proclaimed, ‘Nations and peoples of every language, this is what you are commanded to do: As soon as you hear the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp, pipe and all kinds of music, you must fall down and worship the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar has set up. Whoever does not fall down and worship will immediately be thrown into a blazing furnace.’

Therefore, as soon as they heard the sound of the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music, all the nations and peoples of every language fell down and worshiped the image of gold that King Nebuchadnezzar had set up.

And the herald laughed and loudly proclaimed, ‘I didn’t say ‘Simon says: nations and peoples of every language, this is what you are commanded to do”.

Daniel 3:4-7

There sure can!

Are you kneeling comfortably? Then we’ll begin.

Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. But God was definitely doing this as a punishment or for research and God definitely didn’t approve of or like any of what he saw even though he let it go on for a long time and watching it all didn’t turn him strange or anything.

Romans 1:26-27

The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And the LORD God commanded the man, ‘You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will surely die. And avoid the luxurious bath of luxury as it contains liquid death. Also, do not press the big red button with the words ‘PRESS ME’ flashing on it for it controls the auto-destruct system. Why are you looking at me like that?’

Genesis 2:15-17

Then Haggai said, ‘If a person defiled by contact with a dead body touches one of these things, does it become defiled?’

‘No,’ the priests replied, but they were wrong and did not receive a cheese for their Science and Nature question.

Haggai 2:13

That evening after sunset the people brought to Jesus all the sick and demon-possessed. The whole town gathered at the door, and Jesus tried to explain that they really shouldn’t have built their town on a Hellmouth.

Mark 1:32-34

Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Likewise for the ball gag and crotch rope.

Phillipians 1:12-13

Adam lay with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. She said, ‘With the help of the LORD I have brought forth a man’. And Adam became suspicious at this remark and demanded a DNA test.

Genesis 4:1-2

The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, ‘Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is the one I meant when I said, ‘A man who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.” And the now-confused Pharisees who were with John made signs behind his back to indicate they all thought he had been drinking heavily again.

John 1:29-30

Moses answered, ‘What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, ”The LORD did not appear to you”?’

Then the LORD said to him, ‘Take this photograph of the two of us together holding today’s stone tablet news.’

Exodus 4:1-2

Now Joshua was dressed in filthy clothes as he stood before the angel. The angel said to those who were standing before him, ‘Take off his filthy clothes.’

Then he said to Joshua, ‘See, I have taken away your sin, and I will put rich garments on you.’

Then I said, ‘Put a clean turban on his head.’ So they put a clean turban on his head and clothed him, while the angel of the LORD stood by. Then the angel said ‘That’s much better. Now you’re ready for your Extreme Makeover reveal.’

Zechariah 3:3-5

‘I am going to bring floodwaters on the earth to destroy all life under the heavens, every creature that has the breath of life in it. Everything on earth will perish’. And the donkeys and the hippos and the squirrels and the tyrannosaurus rexes were upset for they didn’t think they’d done anything wrong.

Genesis 6:17

On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold and of incense and of a Scalextric set. But Mary said that Jesus was too young to play with toy cars and so they gave her the receipt in order that she could take it back to the shops and pick up some myrrh.

Matthew 2:11

About three hours later his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. Peter asked her, ‘Tell me, is this the price you and Ananias got for the land?’

‘Yes,’ she said, ‘that is the price.’ After some applause Peter then produced a rabbit from a turban and finished with his sawing-a-Pharisee-in-half trick.

Acts 5:7-8

He said to them, ‘Go into all the world and preach the good news to all creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well. And if they can’t do all that stuff then they’re big, fat fakers and should be stoned to death. Remember that. That’s really important. Don’t forget that bit. I mean it.’

Mark 16:15-18

Then the Jews demanded of him, ‘What miraculous sign can you show us to prove your authority to do all this?’

Jesus answered them, ‘Destroy this temple, and I will raise it again in three days.’

The Jews replied, ‘It has taken forty-six years to build this temple, and you are going to raise it in three days?’ But the temple he had spoken of was his body and the Jews had not immediately understood the metaphor thereby leaving them with a great pile of rubble in the centre of Jerusalem and a judge who threw out their case for compensation for breach of contract on account of it being verbal, hearsay, and irrelevant since Jesus was long dead by the time it reached court anyway.

John 2:18-21

At midnight the LORD struck down all the firstborn in Egypt, from the firstborn of Pharaoh, who sat on the throne, to the firstborn of the prisoner, who was in the dungeon, and the firstborn of all the livestock as well. And the cows and the sheep and the chickens and the pterosaurs spent much of the night wondering what it was they’d done to annoy God this time.

Exodus 12:29

Jesus led his disciples to a quiet area which was the most fertile and beautiful area near the sea where an impoverished tribe from the East had set up home.

“Look upon these poor people,” said the Son of Man. “They are outcasts among their own people who have wandered far and ended with nothing but the land beneath their feet and the sky above their heads and yet they are rich because of it.” And the disciples looked to the tribe who were happy with their lot and the disciples looked at one another because they knew Jesus quite well by now and suspected something was about to kick off.

“That’s prime real estate, that,” continued Jesus. “Nice beach. Anyone fancy a sunbathe?”

James and John urged the Son of God “Teacher, is it wise that you should trespass on land to which you have no right?” And Jesus replied to them all: “Listen to me, those among you who would call yourself a follower of the way of the Lord, because God has willed – not in writing, obviously – that this strip of land is for the descendants of Levi and Abraham and so on and so forth and that includes me and all of you so we’re sorted, okay?”

But the disciples were still not happy and so Jesus said “The rest of the Earth belongs to the Devil; he tempted me with it when we were in the desert together, remember? Too much upkeep to be honest. But this land here is God’s and, by extension, mine. God wants us all to share. That’s what He’s telling me right now. In my head. Right now. What’s the worst that could happen?” The disciples discussed this among themselves and could not reach a firm conclusion and so they decided to let their master have his way.

Then Jesus stripped down to his trunks and lay down on the beautiful beach that was part of the land of the outcasts and in time the outcasts came to him and his disciples and they said “You are Jesus whom those of your people know as the Son of God and you have bathed here on our beach for some time now but the tide is turning and there are those among our people who would like to go surfing. We would be happy to have you and your disciples join us.”

And Jesus gathered his disciples around him and addressed the outcast people thus: “Thanks, but no thanks. Possession is nine parts of the law, sunshine. This is our beach now so hop it before some serious smiting occurs.”

Some of the disciples were not happy and told Jesus that he had said he would share the land with the outcasts but Jesus replied that there was no commandment against lying and that a great tan was a fitting tribute to his father in Heaven and so he returned to his towel and the book he was reading.

In time a few among the outcasts grew angry at the intrusion by Jesus and his disciples and so they took what little they had, for they were a poor people shunned by the rich tribes from whence they came, and they fashioned pea shooters which they loaded with the smallest stones in the soil since they needed the peas to survive. In this way they fired at the Son of Man in order to drive him away but the shots were weak and many fell short and away from their targets.

Then Jesus said to Simon Peter “They shoot like girls” and Simon smiled but he answered “Truly Lord, they are justified in their anger. Would it not be sensible to leave this place now or to seek peace with the outcasts? Many of us wouldn’t mind a surf to be honest.”

Then the outcasts struck Jesus on the nose with a stone and he lost his place in the novel and Jesus became suddenly angry, gathering his disciples to him and saying “Look what they did to my nose! It’s bleeding!” John protested that it was only a nick and it had almost stopped already but Jesus cast him to one side and said “Didn’t I say something before about he who casts the first stone should be hit in the cheek? Let’s rumble!”

And Jesus led his disciples to the homes of the outcasts and there Jesus ripped the arms off the first born children of the families. And Jesus blinded the wives of the husbands. And Jesus tore down the curtains in the homes of the outcasts. And Jesus doused the fires under the cooking pots. And Jesus cracked the kneecaps and crushed the ankles of every outcast who came before him. And some of the pea shooters were found and snapped in half.

Antonius, a Roman envoy to the region passed by that way during this time but he was fearful of the pea shooters that remained and so he did not intervene to help the outcasts but simply carried on his way. The Son of God saw this and was happy.

Afterwards Bartholomew approached Jesus. “Teacher, I do not understand this lesson.” And so Jesus explained “I was at an exciting part in the book and thanks to them I’ve lost my place. And now, so have they so we’re even.” But Bartholomew persisted because he wasn’t mentioned very much in the Gospels and was looking to make the most of his time. “But teacher, will not the friends and relatives of the outcasts seek retribution for the actions here today?”

“They’re outcasts,” replied Jesus. “Nobody likes them anyway but, yes, I get your point. It’s quite likely they’ll move to slingshots next time so God wants us to be prepared for when that happens. We’ll need bazookas to finish this off once and for all. And after that I’m thinking AH-64 Apache Attack Helicopter. Who’s with me?”

The disciples were confused and told Jesus that they did not know the strange words he spoke unto them. “You will,” said the Son of Man with a wink. “You will.”

And James and John decided that Jesus had had too much sun for one day and so they overpowered him and carried him off to a cool cave in the hills to have a lie down and sleep it all off.

Kneel down, grab yourself a glass of Communion Wine, and pray before the altar of yet more passages from the only credible and unedited Bible around.

Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. Oh, except cats. They have a mind of their own, they do.’

Genesis 1:26

The commander of the LORD’s army replied, ‘Take off your sandals, for the place where you are standing is holy.’ And Joshua did so. But his feet were a bit ripe so the commander of the LORD’s army asked him to put them back on again.

Joshua 5:15

That same night the LORD said to him, ‘Take the second bull from your father’s herd, the one seven years old. Tear down your father’s altar to Baal and cut down the Asherah pole beside it. Then build a proper kind of altar to the LORD your God on the top of this height. Using the wood of the Asherah pole that you cut down, offer the second bull as a burnt offering. Then pack a cooler with ice and fill it with bottles of beer. Make sure you defrost the buns. And don’t forget the ketchup. And can you get hold of disposable plates and cutlery? Awesome!’

Judges 6:25-26

The king said to me, ‘What is it you want?’

Then I prayed to the God of heaven, and I answered the king, ‘Can we have our frisbee back please?’

Nehemiah 2:4-5

There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. It took him forever to sign his name which often ired other shoppers.

Samuel 1:1

The company of the prophets at Bethel came out to Elisha and asked, ‘Do you know that the LORD is going to take your master from you today?’

‘Yes, I know,’ Elisha replied, ‘for the LORD sent me an email last night.’

2 Kings 2:3

When the enemies of Judah and Benjamin heard that the exiles were building a temple for the LORD, the God of Israel, they came to Zerubbabel and to the heads of the families and said, ‘Let us help you build because, like you, we seek your God and have been sacrificing to him since the time of Esarhaddon king of Assyria, who brought us here.’

But Zerubbabel, Jeshua and the rest of the heads of the families of Israel answered, ‘Your rates are too high mate. We’ve got Irish labourers and Polish carpenters in already and they’re much cheaper. Sorry.’

Ezra 4:1-3

When Mordecai learned of all that had been done, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and ashes, and went out into the city, wailing loudly and bitterly. It was a terrible audition for Starlight Express.

Esther 4:1

Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he ‘prayed’. Simon and his companions went to look for him, and when they found him, they exclaimed: ‘Why are you praying nude? And what are those magazines you’re reading?’

Mark 1:35-37

On another day the angels came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan also came with them to present himself before him. And the LORD said to Satan, ‘Where have you come from?’

Satan answered the LORD, ‘I thought you were omniscient you big faker.’

Job 2:1-2

The LORD says, ‘The women of Zion are haughty, walking along with outstretched necks, flirting with their eyes, tripping along with mincing steps, with ornaments jingling on their ankles. Therefore the Lord will bring sores on the heads of the women of Zion; the LORD will make their scalps bald.’ But the LORD has recently had a bad break-up and is just angry. Give Him time and He’ll probably calm down a bit.

Isaiah 3:16-17

‘In that day,’ declares the LORD, ‘I will gather the lame; I will assemble the exiles and those I have brought to grief. And I will give them all coupons. That should make up for it.’

Micah 4:6

I looked, and I saw a windstorm coming out of the north – an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The centre of the fire looked like glowing metal, and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures. In appearance their form was that of a man, but each of them had four faces and four wings. Although, to be fair, I was on some killer medication for my cold. It might have been a seagull.

Ezekiel 1:4-6

When Herod saw Jesus, he was greatly pleased, because for a long time he had been wanting to see him but there was a massive waiting list for tickets.

Luke 8:23

On the twenty-fourth day of the first month, as I was standing on the bank of the great river, the Tigris, I looked up and there before me was a man dressed in linen, with a belt of the finest gold around his waist. His body was like chrysolite, his face like lightning, his eyes like flaming torches, his arms and legs like the gleam of burnished bronze, and his voice like the sound of a multitude. I didn’t fancy him though. I’m not a gay or anything. No you shut up.

Daniel 10:4-6

Then those who feared the LORD talked with each other, and the LORD listened and heard for the LORD had put bugging devices in the teapot and the curtains.

Malachi 3:16

When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son because pregnant chicks did nothing for him.

Matthew 1:24-25

Countries threaten nuclear tests!

Tottenham Hotspur players cheat to win games!

Gunmen really have it in for schools!

In these trying times – perhaps trying end-times – we need to take some time out and look to the good book for comfort. I’ve misplaced my copy of Field Dressing and Butchering Rabbits, Squirrels and Other Small Game: Step-by-step Instructions, from Field to Table by Monte Burch so will instead have to dust off my copy of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible once more; of all the numerous versions of The Bible out there it’s the only one I trust to impart the truth as God intended.

These were his instructions: ‘Take nothing for the journey except a staff – no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them. And cancel the milk before you leave or it will mount up on your doorstep and go off.’

Mark 6:8-11

And in the days of Artaxerxes king of Persia, Bishlam, Mithredath, Tabeel and the rest of his associates wrote a letter to Artaxerxes. The letter was written in Aramaic script and in the Aramaic language. Which was a pity as Artaxerxes could only read Spanish.

Ezra 4:7

In the Most Holy Place he made a pair of sculptured cherubim and overlaid them with gold. The total wingspan of the cherubim was twenty cubits. One wing of the first cherub was five cubits long and touched the temple wall, while its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the other cherub. Similarly one wing of the second cherub was five cubits long and touched the other temple wall, and its other wing, also five cubits long, touched the wing of the first cherub. If a third cherub, half the size of the other cherubim, is placed between those two so that their wings all still touch what is the total wingspan in cubits? Show your working.

2 Chronicles 3:10-13

When the ark of the LORD’s covenant came into the camp, all Israel raised such a great shout that the ground shook. Hearing the uproar, the Philistines asked, ‘What’s all this shouting in the Hebrew camp?’

When they learned that the ark of the LORD had come into the camp, the Philistines were afraid. ‘Marion, don’t look at it. Shut your eyes, Marion. Don’t look at it no matter what happens,’ they shouted.

1 Samuel 4:5-7

In the eighth month, in the second year of Darius, came the word of the LORD unto Zechariah, the son of Berechiah, the son of Iddo the prophet, saying

‘The LORD hath been sore displeased with your fathers.’

‘What-Ever’ said Zechariah making a W-sign with his fingers.

Zecharah 1:1-2

Now Cain said to his brother Abel, ‘Let’s go out to the field.’ And while they were in the field, Cain attacked his brother Abel and killed him.

Then the LORD said to Cain, ‘Where is your brother Abel?’

‘Am I my brother’s keeper?’ he replied. ‘Perhaps he popped out for cigarettes.’

And the LORD bought it.

Genesis 4:8-9

Then Jesus said to his host, ‘When you give a luncheon or dinner, do not invite your friends, your brothers or relatives, or your rich neighbours; if you do, they may invite you back and so you will be repaid. But when you give a banquet, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed. Although they cannot repay you, you will be repaid at the resurrection of the righteous.’

And the host replied, ‘If you didn’t want to invite me back to yours all you had to do was say so. Christ! Why’s everything a bloody allegory or parable with you?’

Luke 14:12-14

I watched as the Lamb opened the first of the seven seals. Then I heard one of the four living creatures say in a voice like thunder, ‘Come!’ I looked, and there before me was a white horse! Its rider held a bow, and he was given a crown, and he rode out as a conqueror bent on conquest.

That’s when I knew I had to quit eating mushrooms.

Revelations 6:1-2

Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Remember this should you be tempted to invite the LORD around for a poker evening.

Hebrews 4:13

When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. When they had rowed three or three and a half miles they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were terrified for Jesus was livid. ‘Did you not see me by the boats on shore?’ he asked. ‘I turn around for a minute and off you go galavanting. Look at my sandals! Look at them! They’re ruined, they are!’

John 6:16-19

It had been six months since the case I’d labelled the Jerusalem Caper for my memoirs and things were back to normal for me. A few jobs here and there and those were lousy. My office had me for company and I think it was considering suicide. I couldn’t blame it.

The scholars, priests, guards, and vendors were all hurrying through the downpour to wherever it was they were going. It didn’t look like any of them were hurrying to my office. The early evening had all the hallmarks of looking like another quiet one with my feet on the desk sipping fermented prune juice.

“Sam, there’s a Mister Hired Goon to see you.” That was Effie Perine of Judea, my loyal and long-suffering secretary. Maybe I’d drifted off for a few seconds because I hadn’t heard her come in. I was briefly annoyed. That’s the sort of thing that can get you killed in this line of business, not that I had much to fear lately. You don’t become the target of reprisals when you’re spending most of your time looking for missing cats.

There was a hulking great shadow in the doorway behind Effie. He pushed himself into the room.

“Let me guess,” I ventured dismissively. “You’re a Goliath lookalike and some runt called David is muscling in on your territory.”

Mister Hired Goon didn’t appreciate the humour and made for my desk brushing Effie out of the way. I didn’t appreciate the way he knocked her. We all have our limits. I reached for the Smith & Ishmael .22 Slingshot from the drawer but never had a chance.

Damn! He was fast.

“Damn! You’re fast!” I thought he deserved to hear what I was thinking. I thought the flattery might buy me some time too while I considered my position pushed up against the wall with my feet inches clear of the floor.

“Little Pee-Pee has a job you will be interested in.” His breath stank of garlic. I let him have the full force of prunes in return.

“He didn’t want to come here personally?” I asked.

“That’s not Little Pee-Pee’s way.” I was dropped to the ground. I made a mental note to buy sandals with more cushioning. A moment later and my offerer of employment had left. In my hand I held the small stone calling tablet he’d left. There was a name and address on it and, on the back, a date and time. Tomorrow night. I could have run. Effie too. Maybe set up in Bethlehem. I heard it rained there harder than here. That wasn’t my way though.

Tomorrow night rolled around right when I expected it to. It was raining all the way to the governor’s villa. I felt miserable but kept a professional sneer on my face. Nobody appreciated a professional sneer like a Roman.

Pontius Pilate. Little Pee-Pee. His dad was Big Pee-Pee. Peter Pilate. He’d set up most of the protection rackets in town when I was skipping school. Little Pee-Pee kept the family business ticking over these days. They said that Pilate Junior had been dropped on his head as a kid; that was why he didn’t object to his nickname. I didn’t know if he actually had a little pee-pee. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have taken a case to find out.

“The famous Samuel Spadius, here in my home!” Little Pee-Pee acted geuninely happy to see me. Or drunk as an Emperor. Seemed I wasn’t the only person buying fermented prune juice by the crate.

“I got your invitation governor. What’s the job?” It was the best growling I’d ever done. A good growl can make all the difference in negotiations. It helped that Goliath’s brother wasn’t around to make me feel insignificant.

“All business. I like that Mr Spadius. Very well, I’ll be all business too. I believe you’ve met the leader of this new group; Christians they call themselves.”

I told him I knew of the gentleman. Our meeting hadn’t taken long or involved swapping stories about our childhood and I didn’t want Little Pee-Pee to think we were best buddies. I had a feeling that this new and improved Jesus and the old and traditional Pilate probably weren’t going to be joining up for fireside chats anytime soon and I needed to be as unattached to either group as possible for my own safety.

“It seems that the followers of this Christ fellow aren’t as keen on Roman governance as the Consuls would like and there are rumours of forming a breakaway religion. Needless to say, that’s the sort of thing that could upset Jupiter and if Jupiter gets upset then the Consuls get upset and I get upset and, well, I think you can see how this sort of thing can escalate.”

I couldn’t. Jupiter had done very little in recent years as far as my sources knew and he sure as hell hadn’t intervened during the ongoing Praying Incessantly To Jupiter To Stop The Damn Rain Caper. If I was a god then I wouldn’t care about Jews and Romans starting a new religion. It would be premium prune juice all day and all night. Okay. Maybe Jupiter was different to me.

“I understand what you’re saying but where do I fit in?” I asked. I had a horrible feeling I knew anyway.

“You’re a resourceful man Mr Spadius. You’ve many contacts in the city and people who can help you achieve your aims quietly.” I liked the flattery but I’m not one of those people who fall for it. I sneered a little more to let him know I wasn’t buying the act. He carried on: “Taxes are what keeps the empire from crumbling and religions are tax-free. If this Christian sect caught on in a big way it could ruin the world. And who would hire a detective in a ruined world?”

He smiled and cocked his head. I wished he would just cut to the chase. And hand out a glass or two of whatever he’d been downing. My throat felt rough from the earlier growling.

“We want Mr Jesus … gone. Again, if you will.”

I knew it.

“I detect. It’s what I’m good at. I’m not a killer. And you must have people who can do the job anyway.”

“Indeed we do. Fast, large people, as you’re already well aware.” Goliath must produce detailed reports of his jobs. I liked that sort of dedication. There wasn’t enough of that sort of work ethic around in the world these days. “But this can’t come back to Rome in any way. The sestertius must stop with someone local. Someone resourceful yet also somewhat unpopular. In case of problems.”

I objected to that characterisation of me. I enjoyed my solitude. It gave me time to contemplate where all the rain came from. Effie, I liked, but people in general couldn’t be trusted. But I had bigger problems now. I had a nose for set-ups and this one had the scent of Roman laurel leaves about it.

I told Pilate I’d see what I could arrange. I figured that wouldn’t be enough so I hoped it was a surprise when I didn’t react to the parting comment of “The killing of a miracle man could cause a riot, but secretaries are on every corner lifting their dresses and showing their ankles. Who’d miss such a thing, really? Happy hunting Samuel Spadius!”

I’d been in bad situations before. The Beard Arsonist Caper almost cost me my lips and The Plague Of Scientologists Caper still inflicted mental pain on my body thetans. But Effie was a whole new problem.

I knew that I’d be watched so escape was out of the question. If I hadn’t already met Jesus mark 2 then I might have considered finding a new God and seeing if a miracle could protect me. As it was it boiled down to me and my slingshot. Just like old times. How it should be. I’d have felt better if I wasn’t soaked through from the rain.

I debated about what to say to my secretary. In the end I decided I couldn’t let Effie in on her perilous situation. Dames don’t take that sort of news well and there’d be no chance of learning her filing system before she disappeared outside the city walls.

That left the case and the after-effects to sort out. I’d killed people before, people who deserved it. Often when they were trying to kill me. Cold-blooded murder wasn’t my thing though. My so-called resourcefulness wasn’t popping up any names of trustworthy stooges to fob this job off on either. And if I succeeded some way, what then? I had nothing but despair along that train of thought.

Days passed and I’d finally decided to fake my own death in a Sea of Galilee fishing accident when a crumb of luck landed on my plate. The city was buzzing with news of a new record-breaking miracle attempt to take place during the upcoming weekend. One loaf, one fish, nine thousand people. Perfect. I watched the rain wash away the rest of the week.

“Who are you?” The grunted question came from a familiar face; one of the brothers who’d stopped me from seeing Jesus 2 before. I hoped I looked different enough to not be recognised. I’d bought new sandals, a great-looking hat, and combed my beard just for the occasion. No lice. That was the first pleasant surprise I’d had since the Someone’s Dropped A Gourd Caper.

“Guinness,” I replied. I told him I was at the record attempt to check everything was above board. You couldn’t get the record without independent adjudication. I thought the long words must have confused him because a few seconds later I’d been let through backstage at the event. Maybe the rain was getting through my skull and staring to dilute my brain. I should have known better than that.

For the second time in as many weeks I found myself up against a wall, feet dangling in the breeze.

“Samuel Spadius, we meet again.”

I tried to nod but the hands pinning my throat made that difficult. I managed to force a smile.

“Hello Abe. Good crowd for such a wet day,” I spluttered.

“I’d love to talk about it Sam but we’ve got a little problem to sort out first. The last time we met I warned you about causing trouble. And look what happens! You’re here. Causing trouble. What’s a religious icon like myself to do?”

The Apostle gang laughed. My instinct told me I was wasting my time but I tried the old innocent approach.

“What trouble Abe? I’m just trying to get the best view of the miracle.”

“You’re here to kill me detective man. Little Pee-Pee’s not best pleased with the business he’s losing and you’re the little man’s solution. If my brother was alive he’d turn in his tomb at such goings-on.”

I tried not to think about that last sentence too much. That’s the sort of thing that leads to headaches and I had enough problems. Somebody was feeding Jesus’ brother with a lot of good information. I had my suspicions who it was.

“Look, I came here to talk to you, that’s all,” I tried. “Pilate wants to get together and work out a solution, beneficial to both of you. I’m just a messenger.”

“You’re a liar Spadius and after I’ve transformed the food on stage into the food stolen from the warehouses in Nazareth I’m going to perform a very private transformation where you turn into a deceased detective. Slowly.”

It wasn’t unusual for me to find myself trapped and awaiting certain death on a case. The last time had been the Let’s See How Crumbly The Cliff Edge Really Is Caper. I suspected a passing albatross wasn’t about to come to my aid this time. There was little I could do, surrounded by three of the bulkiest of Abe’s men while the miracle man himself was on the hillside enchanting donations from the crowd so I thought about rain some more.

I was distracted by a sudden commotion among the thousands of people present. The gang were intrigued enough to ignore me too. I had a chance to make a break for it but something stopped me. Something very large and very fast. In a flurry of fists and feet I found myself standing over three comatose bodies, sheltered by the hulking mass that was the Goliath-a-like.

“It would appear that Mr Christ could not survive the miracle of the exploding fish,” I said, looking at the mushroom cloud rising into the air in the distance. “You tipped off Abe and his lot that I was coming so that you’d have a chance to switch fish. I was nothing more than bait.”

“Little Pee-Pee says to tell you that you’ve been a great help and that he gave a lot of consideration to reducing your tax burden for the coming year but decided not to so as not to arouse suspicion.”

Just great. I needed a drink. It’s not every day you get used as a pawn in some grand scheme despite what the peddlars of the various religions tell you. If you did you’d go stark-staring mad.

The rain couldn’t dampen the enthusiasm of the crowds streaming away from the exciting human fireball ascension to heaven they’d just witnessed but it was soaking into the extra cushioning on my sandals and squelching between my toes. That’s the sort of thing that sums up a caper quite nicely.

Personally, I like Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible with its faithfully-restored passages deliberately left untranscribed in other versions by the prudish monks of ye olde medievale tymes. What other Bible uplifts you quite like this?

Jesus, full of the Holy Spirit, returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert, where for forty days he was tempted by the devil. He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them he was hungry, not to mention stung to buggery by scorpions. He had a lovely tan though.

Luke 4:1-2

The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, ‘What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?’

‘Worst. Sailors. Ever’ he replied and the men, who were fearful and drunk on clam juice, threw Jonah overboard into a passing fish.

Jonah 1:11-14

‘I will send fire upon the house of Hazael that will consume the fortresses of Ben-Hadad. I will break down the gate of Damascus; I will destroy the king who is in the Valley of Aven and the one who holds the sceptre in Beth Eden. The people of Aram will go into exile to Kir. I mean it. You’re all for it unless the person who stole my wallet owns up’ says the Lord.

Amos 1:4-5

The hand of the Lord was upon me there, and he said to me, ‘Get up and go out to the plain, and there I will speak to you.’ So I got up and went out to the plain and waited and wondered why the Lord couldn’t have spoken to me inside where it was warm but the Lord did not speak unto me. And so I went back in and someone had eaten my dinner.

Ezekiel 3:22-23

After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptised. Now John also was baptising at Aenon near Salim, because there was plenty of water, and people were constantly coming to be baptised and so Jesus and John had an old-fashioned Baptise-Off which Jesus won narrowly after John suffered a temporary and suspicious bout of eye leprosy.

John 3:22-24

‘LOL. Boobies,’ said Judas Iscariot.

Matthew 27:5

To the man who pleases him, God gives wisdom, knowledge and happiness, but to the sinner he gives the task of gathering and storing up wealth to hand it over to the one who pleases God. And sometimes He gives him a nasty cough too. That’ll learn him.

Ecclesiastes 2:26

‘Go at once,’ the king commanded Haman. ‘Get the robe and the horse and do just as you have suggested for Mordecai the Jew, who sits at the king’s gate. Do not neglect anything you have recommended and bring me back a kebab.’

So Haman got the robe and the horse. He robed Mordecai, and led him on horseback through the city streets, proclaiming before him, ‘This is what is done for the man the king delights to honour!’

Afterward Mordecai returned to the king’s gate. But Haman rushed home, with his head covered in grief, for he had forgotten the king’s kebab.

Esther 6:10-13

Elisha said to Gehazi, ‘Tuck your cloak into your belt, take my staff in your hand and run. If you meet anyone, do not greet him, and if anyone greets … whoa! What the hell are you doing to my penis?’ And Gehazi was ashamed for he had misconstrued Elisha’s command again.

2 Kings 4:29

One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her. The people of Gaza were told, ‘Samson is here!’ So they surrounded the place and lay in wait for him all night at the city gate. They made no move during the night, saying, ‘At dawn we’ll kill him.’

But Samson was finished inside three minutes and had paid and left before the people of Gaza had arrived. And Samson climbed to the top of the hill that faces Hebron and cried himself to sleep.

Judges 16:1-3

Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Saviour. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Yes, including that. And that. And that if he’s into it.

Ephesians 5:22-24

And there was war in heaven. Michael and his angels fought against the dragon, and the dragon and his angels fought back. But he was not strong enough, and they lost but convinced Michael for best two out of three. The great dragon tied the war in the figure skating competition but Michael was unbeatable at strip ludo and the dragon lost. He was hurled to the earth, and his angels with him.

Revelation 12:7-9

‘The west end of the courtyard shall be fifty cubits wide and have curtains, with ten posts and ten bases. On the east end, toward the sunrise, the courtyard shall also be fifty cubits wide. Curtains fifteen cubits long are to be on one side of the entrance, with three posts and three bases, and curtains fifteen cubits long are to be on the other side, with three posts and three bases,’ said the Lord.

‘By Friday?’ asked Moses. ‘Can’t be done mate. Posts should be here but curtains are on backorder. All we’ve got are the eight cubits long ones which I can do at cost price. And we’ll be short one base too. Have you thought about blinds?’

Exodus 27:12-15

Immediately the rooster crowed the second time. Then Peter remembered the words Jesus had spoken to him: ‘Before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.’ ‘Arse,’ said Peter.”

Mark 14:72

I’d made up my mind to leave when Effie Perine of Judea, my secretary, stepped inside and leaned her body against me.

“Samuel, there’s a woman outside,” she said, looking up into my face with her dark, oval eyes.

“A client? Or am I becoming attractive in my old age?” I asked.

“You’re the detective,” she quipped back. “Detect. And no, you’re not.” And she stepped back out again. I had a few seconds to brush out the creases in my tunic and make sure my sandals were on straight before she returned.

With Effie was a dark-haired beauty, a real looker. She had a face that would stop a runaway mule in its tracks and legs under her dress right up to under her chin. In my mind. I cleared my throat and tried to clear my mind.

“Samuel Spadius,” I introduced myself and pointed to the chair. “Won’t you take a seat Miss …?”

“Thank you Mr Spadius,” she said. “Magdalene. Mary Magdalene.”

I watched her sit down. She looked like full-bodied wine pouring slowly into place as she folded into the seat. I caught a glimpse of ankle as she crossed her feet and turned slightly away from me. I wouldn’t need to visit Matthias The Adult Stone Tablet Seller for a while. My money lender would be pleased. Effie too.

“That’ll be all Effie,” I said. I knew she was probably giving me a look as she turned and left but I couldn’t keep my eyes off the siren in my office. That was one lucky chair. I tried to snap out of it. “So what can I do for you Miss Magdalene?” All business. Business pays the bills.

“I’ve heard you’re good, Mr Spadius.” she said. Her voice was like silk from the East. I liked the way her lips pursed when she said “good”. Made me feel like behaving anything but.

“I’m not good.” I replied. “But I’m good at what I do.” That made her raise her eyebrows. “And my friends call me Sam.”

“And your enemies, Mr Spadius? What do they call you?”

“Anything they want dollface.” I kept my eyes locked on her, trying to read the broad. Maybe she was rich, her rich magistrate husband missing, presumed dead. Maybe she was lonely. Maybe she’d read some of the more positive comments scrawled about me on the walls downtown.

“Mr Spadius – Sam – do you know Jesus?”

I had a pretty good idea who she was talking about. You didn’t live in a big city doing the job I do without knowing what goes on but it never hurt to play it dumb. The more a client tells you the less chance there is of finding a gladius in your back and I didn’t want a gladius in my back.

“I know plenty of Jesuses,” I said. I wondered whether the plural was Jesi. “You got a Jesus in particular?”

She told me which Jesus it was. Yeah, it was the one who everyone had been talking about for the last couple of years. I’d done some checking into his background six months before for Pilate. He’d been crucified the other day. Read about it but I never attended those things. In my line of work you see a lot of death. Besides, I was involved in the Free Uncle Barrabas Caper at the time. I felt like pressing her in more ways than one but I settled on information. Once she started it all came spilling out. My intoxicating client and a couple of friends had gone to anoint the body of Jesus just this morning only to discover the tomb open and empty.

“And you want the body found?” I asked.

“No, Mr Spadius,” she replied. “I know where the body is. It’s in Galilee. And it’s walking and talking. And I want you to investigate how and why.”

That brought me up short. Investigating living people is easy, dead ones easier still. The living-dead was new to me. I wasn’t about to let so valuable a client know I was scared though.

“It’s five pieces of silver a day Miss Magdalene. And you pay the expenses too.” I said. Now I’d find out how rich she was.

She tossed over a small leather bag. I caught it on the third attempt and hoped I hadn’t looked like a floundering girl. Unless she liked that sort of thing. There was a lot of Greek influence in Jerusalem these days. Taramasalata I could do without. I was more accepting of other contributions though.

“There’s thirty there. That should be more than enough for someone as good as you say you are Mr Spadius. You can keep the change.”

I got the feeling it wasn’t her money but I didn’t care where she’d got it from. I told my new client I’d be in touch and told her to leave her contact details and those of any next-of-kin – plus anything else she thought might be pertinent – with Effie on the way out. I hoped she’d take the hint.

It was still raining in the morning when I walked down to Galilee. I was soaked through. It fitted my mood. The delectable Miss Magdalene hadn’t taken my hint. It wasn’t hard to find Jesus. Something about rising from the dead attracts a crowd. I decided to take the direct approach but a couple of goons – they looked like brothers – stepped in my way.

“I’m here to see Jesus,” I said. I flashed them my winning smile. I didn’t think it would work so I wasn’t disappointed when it didn’t.

“Mister Jesus is a very popular man right now,” said the older-looking of the two. “Maybe you should come back tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” That was his companion. These two weren’t in a discussing frame of mind. I turned and bowed slightly. I wanted them to think I was obeying but all I really wanted was to mask my movements. Quickly I spun back. In my hands I now had my trusty Smith & Ishmael .22 Slingshot, pulled back and fully loaded. I kept it pointed at Righty. Lefty froze too which was handy for both of us.

“Tell Mr Jesus that a friend of a friend is here to see him,” I instructed Lefty. “Tell him now or I’ll plug your pal here so full of pebbles you can take day trips to the beach in his stomach.” Lefty didn’t waste any time and disappeared into the mass of friends or well-wishers or tourists flocking to see this living miracle or whatever the hell they were. I kept my eyes peeled. Righty kept dead still. Smart move Righty.

“You can put that thing away now.” It was a voice from behind me. I turned and looked at the speaker. Fanned out behind him were ten slabs of men. Nice moves. I hadn’t seen them coming. Three had slingshots of their own pointed in my general direction so I pocketed mine. I’ve learned when to be polite.

“You’re Jesus then?”

“Who are you?” he asked. I told him, and I explained why I was there. I left out who my client was. You’ve got to protect your client or word gets out and business dries up.

“You want to investigate me?” he continued after I’d finished. “Okay, investigate away detective man. Tell me what you find.”

I looked him up and down. Tall guy. Long hair and beard. Followed the current fashion I saw. Smelled fresh, or as fresh as anyone ever got in Jerusalem. Didn’t look like he’d been dead any time recently in any case. The robe looked brand new, as did the sandals.

“You’re not how I imagined you’d be,” I said. “From the stories people tell I thought you’d be a little humbler.”

“What can I say?” he answered, arms spread wide, smiling. “Resurrection changes a man.” His henchmob laughed.

“Then I’ll be off,” I said.

“So soon? And just what are you going to tell your client?”

“The truth.” He smiled at that so I continued. “Six months ago I found out some interesting facts about the life and times of Jesus of Nazareth. This weekend Jesus’ twin brother Abe stole the body of his brother from the tomb so as to take his place. It’s a perfectly simple scam to cash in on someone else’s good name and these unemployed Apostles were only too happy to trade on their reputations for a taste of the good life too.”

The new and improved Jesus shrugged. “Well done gumshoe. Of course nobody’s going to believe you over us. In the meantime we’ve got a church to set up and money to start counting.”

I walked away heading up the hill on the road to Jerusalem once more. “Don’t start trouble Mr Spadius,” I heard shouted from behind me. “Or you’ll be reading about the miracle of the detective who couldn’t swim from the bottom of the Sea of Galilee.” They laughed. I thought Dead Sea might have been more appropriate.

It hadn’t stopped raining when I left or, indeed, when I got back to the office. I’d done what my client wanted and I’d been threatened. I told Effie and a few other people who I thought might care. They didn’t and I couldn’t blame them. Miss Magdalene wanted nothing to do with me – and I couldn’t blame her either – and in a month had started up a little business called Bible Publications on the outskirts of Nazareth. I learned she’d started seeing Abe soon after. Matthias The Adult Stone Tablet Seller ended up getting most of my hard-earned money after all.

Words cannot do the site justice. You must check it out for yourself.

It must be hard work being a Christian in Jack Chick’s world. Not only is there all that devout following of God and strict adherence to the Bible (except for the bits that don’t count) but there’s also all the important missionary work involved in telling other cultures where they’re going wrong, why they’re going to hell, and why they should be damn thankful there’s an alternative out there to their devil-worshipping/paedophiliac/cultist (* delete as applicable) sham of a choice of worship.

I’m a fan of evil. But there’s the good sort of evil and then there’s religious evil. The work of Jack Chick – in my opinion – is some of the most incarnately evil ever, sadly, published. Indoctrinating children to show no tolerance for difference. Pure evil. Check the site out now and brace yourself for the next generation of Americans.

I felt that a strip needed … re-captioning. I’ve decided to call it: Little Susy Becomes A Groom!

“Teacher,” said James and John in unison, for that was their way and very annoying it was too, “don’t you remember what happened last time?” But Jesus was indignant and drank into the early evening.

Jesus and his disciples made their way through the region of Judea and many were the crowds that flocked to them. A very young woman approached Jesus with tears streaming down her face and fell to her knees before him. “Good teacher,” she exclaimed, “I have been violated by my father’s brother while I slept – I think the goat’s milk was doped – and now I have become pregnant. The apothecary has refused to sell me any wormroot so that I may induce a miscarriage on moral grounds and my doctor says that my body is too underdeveloped and I will most likely not survive the term of pregnancy and that, even if I did, my child will have six toes and an overbite.”

“Was it any good?” asked Jesus before Simon Peter could clap his hands over the Son of Man’s mouth. Thomas answered the woman: “I doubt that Jesus meant it quite that way. Clearly, great harm will come from this and it is only right that you have some wormroot. We shall pay a little visit to the apothecary and convince the owner of the error of his ways. If we’re not careful then kebab shops will be employing vegetarians next and nobody will be able to order lamb doners.”

“We’ll do no such thing!” shouted Jesus. “Life is a gift from God and cannot be discarded. No. Matter. What! Got it?” The young woman started crying again and asked “Then who gave me the gifts of rape and almost-certain death, good teacher? If it wasn’t God then can they be discarded instead?” And Jesus answered “What? Hey, let’s go to Jerusalem!”

While Jesus was distracted Thomas handed the young woman a card with the name and address of a coathanger manufacturer written upon it and shrugged his shoulders apologetically.

They were on their way to Jerusalem with Jesus in front supported by two of his disciples when Jesus stopped and turned to the twelve. Raising his hands he said “Listen to me, all of you who would call yourself a follower of the way of the Lord!” and his disciples fell silent thinking that Jesus had sobered up. “I’m tired of walking but there is a man named Bartomas across the road who runs an orphanage and who has donkeys, one for each of us. Who’s going to nick them?”

Paul stepped forward and said “Jesus, Bartomas may not be a saint but he has done nothing to warrant the stealing of his livestock. Let us continue walking or find another way.”

“I tell you now that I have secret information indicating that Bartomas has hidden minions of Satan in and around his orphanage and that he could release these minions within 45 minutes to kill us all. It is our duty before God to make sure this doesn’t happen. And if we happen to come away with donkeys afterwards, then clearly that was what God wanted all along.”

But Paul was not convinced. “Jesus, just where does this secret information come from? And, is there not a danger that the children could be hurt?”

Jesus replied “I cannot reveal my sources for security reasons but I will tell you this: those children are mostly foreigners and do not believe in God in quite the same way as you do. Their sacrifice, therefore, is perfectly fine. You heard it from me so it must be true.”

And so it came to pass that the twelve attacked the orphanage of Bartomas using precision-guided flaming brands and all of the children were burnt alive. After, the disciples discussed it among themselves for they feared that they had broken the commandments and would not find a place in Heaven. But Jesus, atop his donkey who he named Barjesus (that is, the son of Jesus), praised his followers saying “I’ve got a lot of influence up there. Don’t worry about it.” And Simon Peter offered up a silent prayer that the effects of the moonshine would wear off soon.

They arrived in Jerusalem and Jesus walked through the temple courts until such time as he came up to a group of elders and teachers of the law surrounding two men. “What’s going on here?” asked Jesus.

“These two men have come to us and claimed that God’s gift of love has united them and they wish to formalise their feelings legally so that everyone can know how happy they are. Truly, it is good news when two children of God find each other and we were celebrating.”

But Jesus was angry and cast aside a table. “Two men? Together? You’re sick, the lot of you! I don’t care if they’ve been given feelings by God and are acting on them, the fact is it’s, well, icky. Man. Woman. Thousands of kids. Period. Take them out, hang them, and then feed the body to the rats. Trust me: that’s what God wants.”

After the two men were brutally murdered and chopped up a respected elder named Ann approached Jesus. “We have done as you commanded this time teacher even though it seems to fly in the face of everything we’ve heard about you: tolerant, peaceful, intelligent, that sort of thing. Won’t this type of behaviour give Christians a bad name and if we have been misled in our actions will God still let us join the ranks of the heavenly host?”

Jesus replied “It is harder for a camel’s eye to break the back of a rich man than, wait, that’s not it. Look, Ann is it?, if you act against God’s Will then you’re going to burn for all eternity unless what you do is in God’s name. It’s a legal loophole. I studied at Bethlehem law school for a couple of years before the whole disciples following me around and gospel-writers hanging on thing kicked off. I’m Jesus: trust me! Anyway, more importantly, what is a woman doing in a position of responsibility? You should be at home cooking, washing, and having straight children. Hop to it love.” And Ann giggled like a schoolgirl and disappeared down an alley where she was set upon by Roman soldiers, raped, convicted of adultery, and stoned to death after the premature birth of her deformed baby girl seven months later.

Then Jesus and his disciples left Jerusalem for they were told of a charitable man living in a cave nearby who had lived in the city until he was attacked by robbers and now had nothing left to give. Jesus didn’t want to go but John said it would be good for the book.

In the cave they found the charitable man in a state of distress; his clothes and beard were dirty and his bruises were plenty. “Look Jesus, will you not help this man who has helped others all his life but who has now lost everything?” asked James and John as one. They received nasty looks.

“This man has nothing now but it is his own fault. He needs to get educated and learn a new skill. I’ve got a voucher for reduced lesson costs at Gethsemane night school; can’t say fairer than that.”

But the disciples were not happy and they pressed Jesus to be a little nicer. So Jesus asked the poor man “Tell me how you lost your ability to help others.” The charitable man told of his good work with families, the downtrodden, children, and teaching others how to behave humanely until the day he was set upon by a vicious gang from Nazareth and beaten to within an inch of his life.

“I was born in Nazareth!” exclaimed Jesus. “Na-za-reth! Na-za-reth! Na-za-reth! Everybody!” But the disciples were shocked and Paul said “Teacher, why it it that a good man falls on bad times but you are more interested in proclaiming support for your hometown? What lesson are you imparting here so that we may understand it better?”

And Jesus said “There is no love greater than that a man support his hometown even in the face of apparently more important concerns. The zealous man is beloved in God’s eyes.”

But Barjesus the donkey was not happy with this explanation and kicked Jesus in the head knocking him unconscious. The disciples gathered around in distress but Philip calmed them down saying “It is better that Jesus sleep it off so that he may more swiftly return to normal and do less damage. I believe this to be an act of God.”

The next day Jesus gathered the gospel-writers to him and said “Holy moonshine is the best but seriously, I’d like you all to not write about the last couple of days, thanks” and Matthew, Luke, and John agreed. But Mark said “Jesus, was it not you who told us how important the scene in Biloxi Blues was where Eugene made to rip out a page from his diary and Arnold convinced him not to censor his thoughts?” Jesus replied “I also told you that we shouldn’t mention inventions from the future especially when it involved Judas’ pirated videos. God? A little help here?”

Jesus and Mark and the Metatron discussed the moral standpoint until they reached a compromise: Mark’s gospel chapter would only be readable by those who could do the least amount of harm from it – the poorly-educated people of the vast land across the sea – while it would remain invisible and undiscovered by everyone else until the time of the Al Gore Interconnected World Network (powered by harnessed lightning) had been invented and matured. In return Mark would gain exclusive rights to the secret chapter in perpetuity.

Jesus called his followers to him to tell them of the good news saying “Every day in God’s service is a good day but today will be held up and celebrated forever more in Heaven for today we have ensured that those who come afterwards in my name will only ever do good. Blessed be the Christians! Is anyone up for some moonshine?”

And Jesus was buried beneath a pile of disciples.