Kill All Politicians

26 May 2007 10:55 by Not V

Democracy is broken and the politicans broke it. We need to fix the system and that's going to need a do-over, starting with the very people we elect to ignore our wishes and do whatever the hell it is they want anyway at our expense. It's time to kill 'em all. Ironically, obviously, for entertainment purposes. Maybe whoever takes their place in Democracy 2.0 will think twice before ignoring the will of the populace then.

Tony Blair
I know he's stepping down soon but he'll always be around fucking something up, advising somebody badly, and advancing some other scheme designed to endanger the public, strip them of their privacy, and pilfer their savings in some way. Tony's death - like his life - must come with a smile attached. A great, grinning, fake smile. Since he hates privacy so much it must occur in public so everyone can see. He likes stripping money from honest earners so it wouldn't be fair to strip him of his cash since he's not performed an iota of honest work in office. He can still be stripped though. Some ladies might enjoy that.

Method Of Death: Guinness World Record attempt, live on television, to set the largest number of clowns dropped from a hot air balloon onto a naked, pegged politician. Ten thousand grinning, honking, oversized-trousers-wearing, splatting clowns! What a spectacle!

George W. Bush
Not the smartest cookie in the box of retarded and lobotomised cookies, pro-religion, pro-rich, pro-chuckling, pro-Dick, pro-innapropriate massaging, anti-doors, anti-bikes, anti-Segways, anti-questions, pro-vacations.

Method Of Death: Sellotape him up inside a Xenu costume and deliver him to a by-invite-only for Operating Thetan Level VIII Scientologists knife-appreciation event, raising funds for victims of Katrina.

John Reid
British Home Secretary who most people would much prefer stay home and do the filing, perhaps fetching a cup of coffee if it wouldn't be too much trouble, and showing a bit of leg every now and then. Wait, not that. May actually be a clean-shaven David Blunkett with eye implants as nobody sees the two of them together. Wants to rid us all of our human rights and personal freedoms in order to protect our human rights and personal freedoms, hates immigrants, hates habeas corpus as it sounds like a foreign phrase such as that spoken by a foreigner in times of foreignness.

Method Of Death: Boiled alive by our friends in Uzbekistan, turned into Soup de John, and then served with fresh cockles picked by Chinese workers in Lancashire.

Nancy Pelosi
Democrat, speaker of the House of Representatives, and a woman! Imagine that! Demonstrated good verbal skills - although when up against President Downs Syndrome that's not hard - and a complete lack of backbone when overseeing and agreeing to a timetableless war funding bill against the wishes of the public (oh, there's a surprise). Went to Syria and didn't bring anything back; not even a box of dates. I don't like dates but the thought would have been nice and it would be interesting to see the packaging because that sort of thing interests me.

Method Of Death: Spine removed and force-fed into her in sizeable chunks, her now-flexible body then reshaped as a haemmorhoid pillow and used to take some of the strain off Karl Rove's buttocks if he ever gets sent to prison as deserved.

Gordon Brown
Soon-to-be new leader of the Labour party. Under his economic guidance inflation has been rising and we're all looking forward to crippling financial debts in the years to come thanks to dreadfully-managed private finance initiatives. A keen fan of Zoolander, he often poses using Magnum or Blue Thunder for photographs. Has about as much savvy as Zoolander too.

Method Of Death: Legs broken, body filled with helium, and let go to float over the North Sea where oil riggers are invited to shoot him down with Magnums (the gun, not the ice cream) and win a prize. That prize being the satisfaction of shooting down an inflated politician with Magnums. Better than sex.

Dick Cheney
High-ranking member of the party that hates homosexuals, father of a lesbian, grandfather of the spawn of a lesbian, generally hangs around with lesbians and lesbian-likers quite a bit even though he isn't one himself (allegedly), likes hunting crippled animals and shooting friends to relax. Almost as much as ordering the shooting of enemies. But not quite. Only a three or a four on the stiffyometer perhaps.

Method Of Death: Bukkaked to a suffocating death by Boy George. How do you like getting shot in the face Dick?

David Cameron
Leader of the Conservatives, desperately trying to model the party as a genuine alternative to the Labour party that stole all his own's ideas by advocating tolerance of bastardly-annoying youths and promoting green issues. David's hip and trendy and cool like a cool and trendy dude with hips and he has a webcam from which he often broadcasts genuine and real moments of genuine reality from his really quite genuine life.

Method Of Death: Stuck inside an ecologically-friendly wicker man with as many bastardly-annoying youths as will fit, set atop some more bastardly-annoying youths specially dried out to use as tindling, and then set alight. Webcam positioned inside to record and broadcast genuine and really not scripted screams of "Don't do this! You don't have to do this! Dear God, please! Jesus! Jesus!"

I really don't like politicians.