neOnbubble: Bubbly. And Neonny.

Losing Weight At Home

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Wed, 3 Sep 2008 21:36:43 GMT

We're all fatter than ever before. Some people blame this on al Qaeda, others on the dust that falls from burning meteorites and clings to our epidermis, and more still on the natural result of a universe being stretched like a multidimensional chest expander by an Emperor Transdimensional Penguinope.

The answer to fatness is fitness and the place to get fit is the gym. However, the place to get fit - the gym - is also an expensive abomination filled with people who are already fit; the gym is no place for the fat. Catch 22. So, how do you get fit enough to be able to go to the gym in order to get fit enough to not need to go to the gym but still go so that there's no way fat people can go without feeling bad because they're fat and not fit and the gym's full of fit and not fat people?

Well, if you're working in an office then you can always follow the neOnbubble Office Exercises regime. However, in these days of credit crunches, global recessions, and mums who know how to work a computer without having to call their son twenty times a day there's a whole new subspecies of human who work - or don't - in their own homes. How can you possibly get fit while you're lazing about indoors? Let me introduce the neOnbubble Exercise System For Home!

Stretching And Flexibility
Before you commence any of the exercises designed to target specific muscle groups or fat deposits it's vitally important to make sure you've stretched properly. Okay, not vitally important; I mean, have you ever seen kids run off to play in the park and pull a hamstring because they didn't jog up and down and perform a few lunges and squats first? But it's reasonably important. Okay, not reasonably important either. It's fairly important for footballers otherwise women will never go to watch the games. For everyone else, including you in your home, you can probably skip stretching altogether.

However, if you want to stretch anyway but aren't convinced that a set system of "lunge this way, thrust that way, crouch like this" is right for you - it might get boring, you could be forgetful, or it might remind you of your career in the porn industry - then simply try washing up and carrying crockery around the house while wearing oven gloves. Every exercise will be slightly different, guaranteed. Your frantic attempts to catch cutlery, cups, and plates before they cause untold physical and financial damage should loosen up most of your muscles in no time. And your bowels too if you've got any crystal glassware.

Neck Toning
I know what you're thinking: "Neck toning! How does that help to get you fit? There are no neck toning machines at the gym are there? Did you take your medicine?" The answers are: it doesn't exactly, like I'd know, and we fear the medicine; the medicine is no friend of ours.

No, neck toning doesn't aid fitness directly. However, one of the first things we see when we look in the mirror - unless we're one half of that strange gay couple I did some sound insulation work for around their flat once who positioned square mirror tiles at waist height on the walls of their bedroom - is the face. The face seats itself upon the neck. A jowelly face and neck that merges with the shoulders can depress us, and one of the keys to getting fitter is feeling fabulouser. If you can see a big difference in your general appearance then you'll be more inclined to carry on with your exercises. Positive thinking is vitally important to performing well in any physical exercise. Okay, not vitally important; otherwise the world of boxing would end up in one hell of a lot of draws.

But back to the neck toning exercise: reach your hand down the back of your sofa (or couch (or settee (no, I don't know what the difference is either))) and pull out the first thing you can. Solidified belly button lint, crispy dead spider skin, part of a former pizza topping, Lord Lucan; whatever it is you find and no matter how big or small just pop it in your mouth and give it a chew. Your natural reaction of revulsion and fighting the gag reflex will stretch and strengthen your neck muscles, tautening the skin. To add in an abdominal workout swallow whatever you chew and try to keep it down.

Cardiovascular Workout And New Furniture
Rounding up released rats, having sex with the neighbour, and running away after a successful mugging are just three ways to get a good cardiovascular workout but only the neOnbubble Home Exercise System bestows upon you new furniture and household appliances at the same time! In fact, rounding up rats gives you the plague, sex with the neighbour gets you chlamydia, and mugging leads to you developing full-blown AIDS during prison. When other cardio exercises shorten your lifespan only this site offers you a fitness system that also decks your house out with the latest gadgetry and furnishings. But how?

All you'll need is half the contents of whatever bottles you keep under your kitchen sink, a dozen smoke alarms, and several sheets of paper. Write down instructions to fit the alarms in inconvenient places and set fire to the paper on each sheet, mix up the sub-kitchen sink bottles' contents while breathing in deeply of the fumes, and start to read the instructions repeatedly. After a short time you'll recover your senses but not your memory and will come around to a burning house filled with shrieking alarms. Now your cardio workout can start as you hurtle through your home dousing flames and trying to disable the annoying sounds. Afterwards, when the assessors inject you with Sodium Pentathol and hook you up to the polygraph in the Ministry of Insurance you can successfully assert no knowledge about who set the numerous flash points in your house and make a successful claim. It's a new and stronger heart, a new and flashier home, and the fumes might just give your sinuses a good clearout too.

Muscle Build-Up And Strength Training
It's often said that the strongest muscle in human body is the mind. However, scientific tests continually confirm that little fingers still outperform telekinesis as a method for making objects move so forget about exercising your mind muscle and concentrate on all the other good ones instead.

Go to a gym and you'll find an expensive machine that helps build strong biceps. It's probably next to one that helps build strong triceps. There'll be one for quadruceps nearby too. Maybe quinceps as well. And sexceps, perhaps? I won't pretend to know for certain: when I was at school I didn't waste time with lessons on biology and the history of gymnasiums; I did physics and comparative religions of amphibians instead. We had a choice. That's private education for you.

Anyway, that's a lot of machines! Do you know how many machines you need for a total body workout guaranteed to build muscle mass and remove fat before your very eyes using the neOnbubble Homecercise System?

None!

Or one if you count the dog that you'll need but dogs aren't really machines except in some metaphorical sense. Unless Robosapien has a new model out and you can use that. But probably none is still the answer really.

None! You'll just need a dog - alsatians are good for this; poodles less so - and plenty of newspaper. How is this going to build up muscles? Are you going to roll the papers up and smack the dog about with them? No! That's crazy. Smacking dogs with rolled-up papers is just plain wrong! That would never help you strengthen your legs. Instead, simply dress yourself from head to toe with the newspapers and post yourself through the letterbox to your house. Then it's time for an all-out, full-on mano-a-pawo as the dog acts on its natural hatred for the media and you act on your natural hatred of being thrown about and chewed by a dog acting on its natural hatred of the media. In no time at all you'll see muscles where you never saw them before. In early cases this will likely be through openings in the exposed flesh torn apart by your canine exercise partner but with regular practice you'll soon build up genuine strength in your arms, legs, buttocks, and screaming organ too.

Only the Chuck Norris Total Gym comes close to achieving the same sort of complete fitness development curve increasement jargon benefit buzzword improveability of the neOnbubble Homer Simpson and - as close as it comes - it simply doesn't come close enough. Don't delay; get fit today. In your own home. Out of public view.

Discontinued Food And Drink

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Sat, 30 Aug 2008 09:58:24 GMT

Quite often when I'm shopping I fly into a terrible rage in the middle of the aisle and require horse tranquiliser injections stat! in order to prevent me from tearing the heads off Asda employees or swinging old women around by their pendulous breasts until the fabric of their skin gives up and their mammary-free torsos are sent discus-style over the refrigerated food section and into the pizza preparation area. Frequently this is as a result of abysmal staff training that missed out the part about "you move out of the way and let the customer go where they want rather than force them to stop and wait for you to wander through chatting with your colleagues about Sharon's odd-smelling crotch rash" or the culmination of one-too-many inconsiderate trolley-parking episodes. However, sometimes it's because of something more baffling and irritating altogether: missing or changed food.

Cheez-Ums flavoured Pringles: gone.
Walkers tangy cheese dip: gone.
Roast chicken and garlic quiche: gone.
Chicken and sweetcorn pie: gone.
Pork and egg roll slices: completely changed the taste and texture for a laugh.
Chicken and mushroom pasties: new snigger "improved" flavour.

As part of my court-ordered rehabilitation process I am required to investigate other foodstuffs that have been withdrawn from sale over the years to prove that it's not all a conspiracy to wind me up by checking what I buy regularly.

Radish-Cola
America's flirtation with all things Armenian in the late 1940s saw that country's bestselling carbonated drink reach the United States and knock Coke and Pepsi off their pedestals briefly. A pan-European radish blight that tainted supplies was to be the innovative new cola's downfall however, and it never recovered its position although the drink is still popular in New Mexico.

Pre-Chewed Sunday Roast
In the late 1950s a combination of unhealthy McCarthyist ant-Communist paranoia and post-war wealth which made Americans think they could buy sophistication encouraged Green Giant to start producing pre-chewed meals, canned for freshness. The convenience was a hit with consumers but a scare in 1961 when over a hundred chewers at a factory in Minnesota were struck down by Lyme disease was enough to end the flirtation with mushed food.

Kentucky Fried Rat
A number of urban legends had sprung up by the late 1960s concerning rats gettings into fast food outlets and becoming part of the menu unexpectedly. Never one to miss an opportunity, Kentucky Fried Chicken turned these rumours to their advantage by actively adding rat to the menu. Although the production run of Kentucky Fried Rat was short-lived, because of the prevalence of rodents the KFR remains to this day one of the fast food industry's most profitable menu items in history.

Cheesy Helmet
Sporting tie-ins are usually big business but Kraft's marketing people's best efforts only ever saw sales of the NFL-themed Cheesy Helmet perform well in the Wisconsin area leading to the product's early withdrawal from supermarket shelves by 1973.

Julie Moult, Idiot

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 15:03:00 GMT

And now a break in our regular lunacy as we make way for The Learning Moment here on neOnbubble. Readers with photosensitive epilepsy who survived our recent article on "The History of Blinking Text" and those offended by idiots, journalists, idiot journalists, and women named Julie should look away now.

If there's one thing I like more in the world than people who don't understand when I'm being sarcastic then that's the rather special group who go by the name of "idiots". One such idiot is the journalist Julie Moult who has written for such bastions of worthy news reporting as The Sun and The Daily Mail.

Julie Moult has ired Bloggerheads' Tim Ireland through her history of ridiculous news articles but until recently he remained as calm as only an antipodean can be when faced with general idiocy. And then she wrote this article which demonstrated exactly how little she knew about the many, many internets out there. Added to her diatribe against Nazi Raccoons this was just too much idiot-related nonsense to bear.

Tim has written quite extensively about how he feels regarding Julie Moult being an idiot and devised an image challenge, the goal of which is to create a picture expressing Julie's moronic status. By naming the file appropriately the intent is to explain - teach, even - a little something about the world to a person who, as a journalist producing stories and articles for newspapers [sic] like The Sun and The Daily Mail, should appreciate the effort.

I don't like idiots like Julie Moult and I do like raccoons; I simply cannot stand by and do nothing.

Original picture by Jon Rawlinson

I'm looking forward - and I bet she is too - to seeing just whose images appear where in the image search results for "Julie Moult" over the next few weeks. It's always nice and rewarding to elevate an idiot to quasi-moron or above - even if only briefly - and you must feel absolutely free to produce pictures of Julie Moult on your own blog too.

And, if you don't think that she is a twit and that pieces of journalism such as her anti-Muslim story without a shred of evidence is harmless fun, unlikely to cause unrest (and follow-on stories!) and to be expected from reporters these days then why not express what a really nice person Julie Moult is instead, you idiot?

Allergies

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Tue, 26 Aug 2008 13:12:03 GMT

Reproduced with permission from the neOnbubble Know You Some Science series of student learning guides.

What Is An Allergy?
Despite God's best attempts at designing the human body it, quite frankly, sucks big time and is riddled with flaws. One of the most common problems with the human body is the immune system which is supposed to protect the body from harmful substances and diseases but which also sporadically attacks itself in a dazzling display of incompetence, an action which if spotted in a bear mauling itself, for example, would lead to a humane rifle shot through the skull.

When the body goes a little loco it activates mast cells and basophils - normally dormant white cell types responsible for expanding the body's many organs to counter deep sea pressures; a genetic relic from our evolutionary ancestry as oceanic floor kestrels - and this causes inflammation and increasing pharmacy profits.

What Types Of Allergic Reaction Are There?
Allergic reactions range from the minor - itches, the sniffles, and ear-picking - to the downright fatal - fatal itches, fatal sniffles, and fatal ear-picking. Doctors cannot distinguish between fatal and non-fatal forms of allergies until after the allergy-sufferer has died and can only determine the exact fatal allergic reaction from whether the corpse's fingers are wedged under its armpits, up its nose, or in its auditory canal up to the knuckle.

Do You Have An Allergy?
Thanks for caring!

Yes, I am allergic to prolonged contact to steel, whether surgical or stainless. This means, for example, that I must only be sold in aluminium cans once mankind gets a taste for my meaty goodness and that any machete wounds must be sealed using velcro. On a daily basis it means that I must make use of sundials to tell the time rather than relying on wrist watches and their allergy-unfriendly steel backs, straps, and batteries.

Why Are Nut Allergy Sufferers Not All Rounded Up And Shot?
That's a good question. For too long the minority of humankind who swell up and explode whenever a peanut is forcibly inserted under their eyelids have dictated to the rest of us how we should live our lives. Peanut warnings on packs of peanuts and the removal of the chocolate-coated peanut from packs of Revels - to replace it with the abomination that is the raisin! The raisin! Nobody wants shrivelled fruit in their chocolate confectionery! - are too much and a stand needs to be taken now!

To save on bullets packets of peanuts should now be forced to carry the wording "No Peanuts Here, Peanut-Free, Honestly" prominently. A message should be sent to the manufacturers of Revels too: remove the raisin!

Why Is Hay Fever So Common These Days?
In evolutionary historical terms, plants and animals have coexisted and benefacted one another. Plants have allowed animals to breathe and animals have allowed plants to have the best real estate on the planet. Minerals have sulked through the millenia.

Humans, however, have upset the balance, cutting down plantlife and building beachfront property and view-blocking skyscrapers. An alliance between bees - who resent human mocking of their tiny wings and chubby bodies - and flowers - the floral world's foot soldiers - is attempting to undermine human existence through the spread of weapons grade pollen, lip-swelling stings, and the introduction of altruistic human behaviour via honey-based products in direct opposition to natural animal instinctive behaviour of the survival of the fittest.

Humans are fighting back with mobile phones that disrupt bee dances, cause acute embarrassment to young bees, and lead to a reduction in young bees getting together and making more baby bees but the war wages on and only anti-histamine manufacturers will emerge as winners.

Aren't Bee Stings Fatal?
If you're asking whether the new flavour in packs of Revels should be chocolate-covered bees in order to weed out another bunch of whiny biological defects and inflict a humilating death upon our flying enemies then I couldn't agree more. Traitorous bees!

Otherwise, I don't know, let's say yes.

Are Some People Really Allergic To Latex?
No. Men will find any excuse not to wash up or wear a condom or do both at the same time.

What Allergy Treatments Are Available?
Many people attribute the rise in allergic reactions with the increasing use of double-glazed windows in modern housing so widespread use of a brick or bricks might be one solution. More conventional options are available:

Hypnotherapy can relieve the suffering of certain allergies by persuading the sufferer that he or she is a balloon rather than just merely expanding painfully like one.
Vitamin C is present in orange juice and goes well with vodka which often makes allergies just not that big a deal when it all comes down to it.
Desensitisation to allergens on a global scale (e.g. adding peanuts to other foods such as bread, sugar, salt, rice, vegetables, and tofu) will kill off the weaker members of the species and render the remainder as hardier humans ideally adapted to fight the bee menace.
Bee Internment Camps help prevent the spread of biological agents and hasten the end of this long, cruel war.

The Four Of Us Are Dying

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 14:35:45 GMT

This is what happens when you download the new, free Nine Inch Nails album "The Slip" (from nin.com) and spot the lovely Creative Commons licence that actively encourages derivative works and sharing. You go and grab some public domain film footage from The Internet Archive - in this case the awesome "Perversion For Profit" propaganda - and you throw the lot together to produce a video for the track "The Four Of Us Are Dying".

Well, you do if you're me.

Please note: whilst not explicit this video does contain footage that could be described as titillating to those of you of Amish heritage.

In Conversation With An I.T. Consultant

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 11:53:00 GMT

Mark, can I bother you for a moment?

Sure.

You know that email we were both sent?

With the zipped build of the trial kitting app? Yeah?

Yes, that's the one.

Okay. Problem?

Well I haven't opened it yet but I just run it right?

I haven't looked at it properly yet so let me just ... okay ... right, well the zip's got the entire directory structure of the app and its libraries ... and there's a setup subfolder with the setup program too so you've got a choice by the looks of it. You can either unzip the zip onto your PC and run the program directly or you can run the setup program in there to get everything installed that way instead if you'd prefer. Okay?

I just double click on the email to run it, yes?

You ... well, no. It depends what you've got installed but the simplest thing is to save the zip and extract it.

You can do that from Outlook yes? Only I've not done this before.

What? Save an attachment?

No, no. I can do Word documents but I've never run a zip before.

But ... but you're our I.T consultant! You've been working in the computer industry for a couple of decades! You've never come across a zip file before?

I don't think so.

You have to have come across a zip file before. The laws of probability dictate it. There's no way you ... look, do you know what a zip file actually is?

Not ... really ... no.

I can't believe this. Okay. It's a way of compressing another file into a smaller size or an entire directory of files into a single file of smaller size so that you can move it from one location to another - like in an email, for example - more easily. You don't "run" the zip file, you open it and let the contents out. Think of it as a suitcase jammed full of clothes.

Okay, I'm following you. Someone has sent me a "suitcase" full of clothes, right?

Right.

And now I've got to "open" my "suitcase" and take out the clothes.

You're getting it.

And I do that by running my email.

What!? No. What? You can't run an email.

No, not "run", of course, that's just the wrong word, sorry. I download it, yes?

Download? Download what?

My email.

What are you talking about? Your email is already "downloaded" and sitting in your Outlook inbox.

Oh, right! I get you! I can run it from my inbox then.

No!

No, not "run", I ...

No!

Oh, upload!

No! No! Do you actually know anything about computers?

Hey, there's no need to get testy. You're not really explaining things very well to be fair.

Well I guess I don't have what it takes to be a consultant then.

A sadly true tale.

Fake Olympic Games

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 10:15:00 GMT

There has been much talk about the fakery in use at this year's Olympic Games in Beijing; the Milli Vanilli experience of the little girl miming the song and the fireworks that were a little too perfect for everyone's tastes. Naturally, people are upset as one of the cornerstones of the modern olympics, as set down in the Olympic rulebook in 1900, is the principle that "no host country may employ such technique or technology during the opening ceremony so as to produce a spectacle that is anything other than 100% wholesome and honest and free of trickery."

Oh no, wait a minute, that's not there at all and people are being painted as being driven into a frenzied outrage by the manipulative press.

In fact, far from the use of underhanded skullduggery for entertainment purposes being a thoroughly despicable and new idea invented by the Chinese, the necessity to occasionally alter activities during the games has occurred at nearly every recorded Olympics.

In 1936 rabid sports fan Adolf Hitler wanted nothing more than to watch some of the world's finest athletes compete in the company of some of Germany's most attractive booth babes. His advisors thought differently and photos that were released to the global press were first doctored using crude image fakery techniques to better present a strong German image.

The largely forgotten 1964 Tokyo Olympics is largely forgotten largely due to Japanese photographic experts who crudely removed any imagery of Godzilla from the official records of the games in order to not put off potential investors in the upcoming consumer electronics industry.

The Mexico games of 1968 are forever tarred with the image of American athletes Tommie Smith and John Carlos delivering a "black power" salute but the truth is that neither competitor was politcally motivated and that both were the victims of Mexican jealousy that their northern neighbour's winning athletes were given free balloons, scarves, hats, and cigarettes while their own went without. Editing in the dark room helped tarnish the American reputation abroad.

Beijing Olympics With The BBC

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Sat, 9 Aug 2008 09:29:00 GMT

... but of course the games have been overshadowed by the protests.

That's right Sue. It's been one of the most controversial games since records began in Queen Anne's time. Possibly before.

Fireworks have started! At last! You can stop talking now!

A lot of people have been talking about Tibet in the lead-up to these games.

Yeah, I know, could hardly hit a news website or switch the TV on without one of you talking about it. Now, quiet down, the ceremony has started.

It's been something of an embarrassment for the Chinese government, don't you think?

I think so. You know, what with everyone talking about it.

It's not everyone, it's just you lot, and you're doing it over the ceremony so will you please just give it a rest.

Everyone has been talking about it, yes, but what do the Chinese people themselves think about it?

Who the fuck cares any longer! It's started! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Well, I think most Chinese aren't even aware of the situation because of the oppressive blocking of outside new sources that might have casually mentioned something about the oppression at some point in the months prior to the games starting. Oh, what was that?!

I'm not sure; I was looking at my page of notes titled "Socially Unacceptably Rude Political Belittling Topics To Use While At The Olympics For All The People Watching The Sports Ceremony Just For The Political Commentary From Sports Journalists Because They Do Exist, They Really Do."

Ha ha! Yes, me too. Anyway, why don't we watch some of the ceremony now?

Motherf ... sonsof ... calm down Mark, calm down, watch the drummers and fireworks ... relax ... ooh, that's impressive ... man, London 2012 is going to suck after this ... I wonder what noise two thousand pearly kings and queens would make ... oh, that was good!

Oh, that was good!

Yes it was Sue. The fireworks are certainly impressive. I'm not sure it will be helping with the smog levels though, ha ha!

Don't you go there. Don't you dare go there.

No, you're probably right. Pollution has been a big talking point in the run-up to these games here in Beijing. Because there's been pollution that you can see. And we've been talking about it.

That's right. The IOC do say that levels are fine.

But they're not as low as the World Health Organisation say they could and should be and that's a bad thing.

It is a bad thing.

I agree it's a bad thing.

A bad thing and no mistake.

I am going to get a gun and shoot myself.

I wonder how the competitors will cope tomorrow since many of them won't be used to the levels of pollution that will be present despite the massive clean-up.

I wonder that too. I really wonder how the athletes will cope with the smog even if it is better than it has been because smog can affect athletes and smog comes from pollution and there's a lot of pollution in China. A lot of people have been talking about it and I wonder how some people will cope.

Do you wonder that too children?

What?

Sorry, I ... er ... ooh, the scroll thing! Now we've seen this already earlier in the week and it's really quite impressive. If you look now you'll see it's unrolling and the images are moving about on it.

I'm trying to watch, I'm trying to be impressed, I'm getting distracted by your talking, will you shut the fucking fuck up!

Very impressive.

Very impressive. So organised.

I'm very impressed by how the Chinese authorities have put together this impressive opening ceremony. It's very impressive and I'm very impressed.

Unlike the clampdown on protesters and the smog, of course.

Oh, yes, I'm not impressed by that. A lot of people have been talking about those ... oh, that was good wasn't it!

What? I was reading my notes again. I was going to talk about the polluted water since there's a maritime theme coming up in a few seconds. Did you know the Chinese have polluted water?

I did know that. A lot of people have been talking about the water levels and the pollution in the lead-up to the Olympics.

Because the pollution isn't just in the air forming smog that we can see. It's also in the water. A lot of people have been talking about that.

I'm going to shoot them first, I've decided.

That's very nice, isn't it? Very well choreographed and you'll notice that Chinese history is being represented in small chunks during this opening ceremony.

But apparently they won't be showcasing any of the opium wars or the communist revolution during this opening ceremony? Are you surprised by that?

I am surprised! For a ceremony that's supposed to show the history of the country it does seem odd that they'll ignore some of recent history. They won't even highlight the oppression of Tibetans which I think is surprising.

Very surprising. Probably political.

Ooh, politics really shouldn't enter the spirit of the Olympic Games but I am surprised at the surprising omission of any mention of Chinese political oppression during this opening ceremony.

What the ... ?!?!! You've done nothing but talk about politics during this you fu ... Do you think London's going to have a special "Our Glorious Slave Trade Heritage" or "Tribute To Palestine And Northern Ireland" sections or ... ah, damnit, I'm talking politics now, for the love of the Otter King will you please just shut up!?

It's been an impressive and surprising opening ceremony and now we're entering the stage where the more modern era is represented. A lot of bright colours here.

If the smog levels were as high as they've been recently then they wouldn't have been so bright. Although they are bright. But they might not have been if the pollution was worse than it is.

No, that's right. Smog and pollution can dull colours. Can you spell "pollution" children?

What?

Oh, er ... look at the not-as-bright-as-they-could-be but still brighter-than-they-might-have been colours of all the traditional outfits that the different ethnic groups that make up China are wearing here now.

Yes, many people might not realise that China consists of different ethnic groups.

The ones who skipped school or live in caves, maybe. Come on BBC! We're not morons!

Although some groups have been in the news recently.

Oh no, not again, I'm trying to watch the people with lights on their outfits, please.

Oppressed groups.

Yes, oppressed groups.

Groups who've been oppressed have been in the news, that's true.

It's because China's oppressive, isn't it?

That's right. A lot of people have been talking about that before the Olympic Games started.

And during, don't forget during, and forget the gun because I've decided knifey knifey is going to be more satisfying going forward. Shut up!

Oh look, there's President Bush and Vladimir Putin! It's nice to see the two of them here.

It is nice. Controversial. But nice.

Controversial?

That's right. Because of all the controversy.

What sort of controversy?

Well, there's been the pollution and the oppression and the water and Tibet.

Of course! That's something a lot of people have been talking about in the weeks leading up to these Olympic Games in Beijing.

That's right.

Well, I wonder what Mr Bush and Mr Putin think about China. It must be strange to be in a country that frequently ignores human rights and has a history of locking people away with no legal recourse, suppressing freedom of speech when it suits them, spying on its own citizens, causing ecological damage for the benefit of industry, and having troops in other countries that claim they have no right to be there and would rather be independent.

It must be very strange indeed.

Very strange.

Incredibly strange.

Can you spell "strange" children?

What?

Ouch! That's a sharp knife. Right, I'm off out for a bit.

Classic Slug Magazines

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Wed, 6 Aug 2008 20:39:14 GMT

Ever since I posted some classic Vintage Slug Advertising of yesteryear people have come up to me in the street and asked me just where I managed to obtain such quality published incitements to purchase slugs and slug-related paraphernalia. My answer: my extensive collection of slug magazines dating back numerous decades and from all four slug-trailed corners of the globe.

Slug magazines such as these:

Modern Slug

Slughouse

Weird Slug Stories

Slugissimo!

Gay Universe Movie Quotes

author@neonbubble.com (Mark) — Mon, 4 Aug 2008 11:48:20 GMT

If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and over a frappuccino.
Casablanca

Cooee! Adrian! I did it!
Rocky II

You're the wrong guy at the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong shoes with the wrong coat and what were you thinking when you asked for that haircut!?
Die Hard 2: Die Fabulouser

You had me at "Hello Sailor!"
Jerry Maguire

No, Luke. I am your father's new boyfriend.
The Empire Minces Back

You're only supposed to blow the bloody nails dry!
The Italian Job

I see dead skin.
The Sixth Sense

Oh no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was pneumonia and other complications resulting from HIV/AIDS killed the beast.
Queen Kong

I'm sorry Dave, I'm afraid I can't do that. I'm in the middle of a Judy Garland marathon.
2001: A Space Odyssey

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. A two-for-one sale on angora sweaters off the shoulder of Orion. I watched an ABBA tribute band glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser gate. All those moments will be lost in time ... like tears in rain. Time to die.
Blade Runner

I'll be ba-aack!
The Terminator

Bears and bears and bears, oh my!
The Wizard Of Oz

I know what you're thinking. "Did he go for the Ralph Lauren or the Pierre Cardin?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Tuesday, the most fabulous day in the world you've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, bitch?
Dirty Harry

I feel the need - the need to exfoliate!
Top Gun

My momma always said life was like a box of chocolates ... it goes straight to your hips.
Forrest Gump

They may take our lives, but they'll never take ... our make-up!
Braveheart

Get your unmanicured paws off me, you damned dirty ape!
Planet Of The Apes

A census taker once tried to test me. I scratched his eyes out, the brute.
The Silence Of The Lambs

Say hello to my little life partners!
Scarface