Beijing Olympics With The BBC

09 Aug 2008 09:29 by Mark

... but of course the games have been overshadowed by the protests.

That's right Sue. It's been one of the most controversial games since records began in Queen Anne's time. Possibly before.

Fireworks have started! At last! You can stop talking now!

A lot of people have been talking about Tibet in the lead-up to these games.

Yeah, I know, could hardly hit a news website or switch the TV on without one of you talking about it. Now, quiet down, the ceremony has started.

It's been something of an embarrassment for the Chinese government, don't you think?

I think so. You know, what with everyone talking about it.

It's not everyone, it's just you lot, and you're doing it over the ceremony so will you please just give it a rest.

Everyone has been talking about it, yes, but what do the Chinese people themselves think about it?

Who the fuck cares any longer! It's started! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Well, I think most Chinese aren't even aware of the situation because of the oppressive blocking of outside new sources that might have casually mentioned something about the oppression at some point in the months prior to the games starting. Oh, what was that?!

I'm not sure; I was looking at my page of notes titled "Socially Unacceptably Rude Political Belittling Topics To Use While At The Olympics For All The People Watching The Sports Ceremony Just For The Political Commentary From Sports Journalists Because They Do Exist, They Really Do."

Ha ha! Yes, me too. Anyway, why don't we watch some of the ceremony now?

Motherf ... sonsof ... calm down Mark, calm down, watch the drummers and fireworks ... relax ... ooh, that's impressive ... man, London 2012 is going to suck after this ... I wonder what noise two thousand pearly kings and queens would make ... oh, that was good!

Oh, that was good!

Yes it was Sue. The fireworks are certainly impressive. I'm not sure it will be helping with the smog levels though, ha ha!

Don't you go there. Don't you dare go there.

No, you're probably right. Pollution has been a big talking point in the run-up to these games here in Beijing. Because there's been pollution that you can see. And we've been talking about it.

That's right. The IOC do say that levels are fine.

But they're not as low as the World Health Organisation say they could and should be and that's a bad thing.

It is a bad thing.

I agree it's a bad thing.

A bad thing and no mistake.

I am going to get a gun and shoot myself.

I wonder how the competitors will cope tomorrow since many of them won't be used to the levels of pollution that will be present despite the massive clean-up.

I wonder that too. I really wonder how the athletes will cope with the smog even if it is better than it has been because smog can affect athletes and smog comes from pollution and there's a lot of pollution in China. A lot of people have been talking about it and I wonder how some people will cope.

Do you wonder that too children?

What?

Sorry, I ... er ... ooh, the scroll thing! Now we've seen this already earlier in the week and it's really quite impressive. If you look now you'll see it's unrolling and the images are moving about on it.

I'm trying to watch, I'm trying to be impressed, I'm getting distracted by your talking, will you shut the fucking fuck up!

Very impressive.

Very impressive. So organised.

I'm very impressed by how the Chinese authorities have put together this impressive opening ceremony. It's very impressive and I'm very impressed.

Unlike the clampdown on protesters and the smog, of course.

Oh, yes, I'm not impressed by that. A lot of people have been talking about those ... oh, that was good wasn't it!

What? I was reading my notes again. I was going to talk about the polluted water since there's a maritime theme coming up in a few seconds. Did you know the Chinese have polluted water?

I did know that. A lot of people have been talking about the water levels and the pollution in the lead-up to the Olympics.

Because the pollution isn't just in the air forming smog that we can see. It's also in the water. A lot of people have been talking about that.

I'm going to shoot them first, I've decided.

That's very nice, isn't it? Very well choreographed and you'll notice that Chinese history is being represented in small chunks during this opening ceremony.

But apparently they won't be showcasing any of the opium wars or the communist revolution during this opening ceremony? Are you surprised by that?

I am surprised! For a ceremony that's supposed to show the history of the country it does seem odd that they'll ignore some of recent history. They won't even highlight the oppression of Tibetans which I think is surprising.

Very surprising. Probably political.

Ooh, politics really shouldn't enter the spirit of the Olympic Games but I am surprised at the surprising omission of any mention of Chinese political oppression during this opening ceremony.

What the ... ?!?!! You've done nothing but talk about politics during this you fu ... Do you think London's going to have a special "Our Glorious Slave Trade Heritage" or "Tribute To Palestine And Northern Ireland" sections or ... ah, damnit, I'm talking politics now, for the love of the Otter King will you please just shut up!?

It's been an impressive and surprising opening ceremony and now we're entering the stage where the more modern era is represented. A lot of bright colours here.

If the smog levels were as high as they've been recently then they wouldn't have been so bright. Although they are bright. But they might not have been if the pollution was worse than it is.

No, that's right. Smog and pollution can dull colours. Can you spell "pollution" children?

What?

Oh, er ... look at the not-as-bright-as-they-could-be but still brighter-than-they-might-have been colours of all the traditional outfits that the different ethnic groups that make up China are wearing here now.

Yes, many people might not realise that China consists of different ethnic groups.

The ones who skipped school or live in caves, maybe. Come on BBC! We're not morons!

Although some groups have been in the news recently.

Oh no, not again, I'm trying to watch the people with lights on their outfits, please.

Oppressed groups.

Yes, oppressed groups.

Groups who've been oppressed have been in the news, that's true.

It's because China's oppressive, isn't it?

That's right. A lot of people have been talking about that before the Olympic Games started.

And during, don't forget during, and forget the gun because I've decided knifey knifey is going to be more satisfying going forward. Shut up!

Oh look, there's President Bush and Vladimir Putin! It's nice to see the two of them here.

It is nice. Controversial. But nice.

Controversial?

That's right. Because of all the controversy.

What sort of controversy?

Well, there's been the pollution and the oppression and the water and Tibet.

Of course! That's something a lot of people have been talking about in the weeks leading up to these Olympic Games in Beijing.

That's right.

Well, I wonder what Mr Bush and Mr Putin think about China. It must be strange to be in a country that frequently ignores human rights and has a history of locking people away with no legal recourse, suppressing freedom of speech when it suits them, spying on its own citizens, causing ecological damage for the benefit of industry, and having troops in other countries that claim they have no right to be there and would rather be independent.

It must be very strange indeed.

Very strange.

Incredibly strange.

Can you spell "strange" children?

What?

Ouch! That's a sharp knife. Right, I'm off out for a bit.