Hi friends! It’s almost that time of year again when the air is filled with people flying here, there, and everywhere. And I’m not just talking about witches on broomsticks or warlocks in their microlights; everyday folk just like you and me like to get away from it all too around Halloween. Why? Because nobody likes sitting indoors with the lights off hoping the trick-or-treaters will leave them alone.
Of course, flying has never been more dangerous. Unless we count the early days of aviation when planes were made from granite and runways were called cliffs. But we don’t. So, in time for the celebration of all things ghoulish, I thought I’d pop along and make sure you take note of some important flying tips this year. Y’all be careful up there!
- If the Big Boppa’s name is on the passenger list I’d wait for the next plane.
- During explosive decompression breathe out; the reduction in pressure differential may help prevent your eyeballs from blowing out through the window.
- Small, crying children can be a real nuisance but sick bags are non-porous and great at stifling the noise.
- You should count the number of seats between the exit and where you are sitting so that you can escape more easily should the plane crash and become filled with thick, choking smoke.
- Other passengers will count the number of seats between the exit and where they are sitting to facilitate their escape from the plane should it crash and become filled with thick, choking smoke too. To improve your chances over them in an emergency take a fake seat headrest in your hand luggage and use it to keep your exit row clear.
- Long plane flights can be boring. With a group of friends try to guess who the Air Marshall is. Once you’ve all picked your man let the most swarthy member of your group stand up and shout "Allahu Akbar!" Happy guessing!
- An altimeter is invaluable if you’re to avoid becoming merely a member of the seven eighths of a mile-high club.
- If you’re worried by deep vein thrombosis then don’t board a plane you whiny dumbass.
- Be careful when asking if you can see the cockpit as 88% of male air stewards are flambuoyant homosexuals.
- Worried that you won’t be able to smuggle your complicated, chemical-based bomb on board? Don’t panic! The drinks trolley has everything you need to create a number of Molotov Cocktails which will have about the same effect and keep your carry-on luggage to a minimum.
- Learn morse code before you fly and continually kick messages into the seat in front to see if your fellow passenger has done the same.
- Wear comfortable, loose-fitting clothes on long flights. Grim Reaper outfits are practical and ideal for weeding out those afraid to fly before they become a problem.
- If you’ve ever wondered what the cargo hold of an airplane looks like then why not hide inside a suitcase?