As the whole world is aware, Britney Spears is now Britney Federline.
Many girls are green with envy: a dancer with two children by another woman. Oh, if only they could be that lucky and find a man with a gay career and baggage from a previous relationship just like him!
More importantly, many men are suicidal with depression. Admittedly, these "many men" are mainly those who tick the box marked Do you have an unhealthy fixation with a famous person? in surveys but that accounts for 63% of my visitors and that makes me care. Britney’s gone. She’s not available. She is an ex-future-Mrs-Stalker.
Let me help. Let me convince you that there are plenty more fish in the sea. Don’t despair! If there’s one thing that the ex-deeply religious, ex-chaste, ex-attractive, and ex-talented (just kidding; she was never talented) Mrs Federline has shown the world it’s that celebrities are often not that picky about their partners. This means you still have a chance with any of the following available "babes":
Who?: Desperately shy and introverted heiress to the Hilton hotel group who overcame shyness and introvertiness (no, I’m not checking to see if it’s a word) which just leaves "desperate".
How?: A digital camcorder, fast internet connection, and no qualms about having your flabby body viewed (and mocked) by three quarters of the world’s population appear to be the minimum requirements to appeal to Miss Hilton‘s needs.
Better Than Britney?: Have you seen Britney naked and performing sex acts for digital posterity? Obviously, if you’re reading this in 2008 then your answer may be different but right now that’s a tick in Miss Hilton’s box. You can take that literally if it pleases you to do so but I couldn’t possibly comment on it.
Britney Beats Her?: Britney still wins in the physical appearance stakes unless you’re a fan of the "built like a holocaust survivor" look.
Who?: Former member of the Spice Girls and often referred to as "Lacking Any Redeeming Features Spice" until that became too confusing and "Ginger" was chosen instead. Rumours that it is short for "gingivitis" were started in this sentence.
How?: Geri is apparently attracted to fame. And homosexuals. If you are a famous homosexual then you’re in luck, otherwise you’d simply better pretend to be one. Sir Ian McKellen springs to mind. There! Dress up as Gandalf.
Better Than Britney?: Geri is easier to spell than Britney or "Brintey" as I keep typing, meaning anniversary and birthday cards are less likely to have crossings-out on them causing "Woman Rage™" or "Woman Sulk™" or "Woman Cutting Off Your Testicles™"
Britney Beats Her?: I have it on good authority that Britney can hit more than one note so if it’s the singing that really gets your juices flowing then a) keep that to yourself, and b) Britney is still the best.
Who?: Stand-up comedienne who had her own sit-com and now has her own talk show in the states.
How?: Ellen likes people in touch with their feminine side. You mustn’t be afraid to be feminine around her. No. More than that. No. More.
Better Than Britney?: Remember when Britney kissed Madonna on stage? Yeah? Well, don’t tell anyone, but I also have this on good authority that Ellen may not be averse to reproducing that act for a more private audience if you know what I mean. If you know what I mean then drop me an email with a lurid description.
Britney Beats Her?: I used to go to school with a guy who looked like Ellen. It may not be the same for you but that would put me off a bit.
Who?: Member of the grunge band Hole, married to Kurt Cobain from the grunge band Nirvana, swears she didn’t drive him to suicide.
How?: Courtney likes intellectuals with a warm sense of humour. Her perfect partner must be supportive and understanding and family-oriented. Non-smokers are preferred and strong politics are a turn-off. That, or douse your crotch with cocaine.
Better Than Britney?: She’s got collagen in her lips now. Big, puffy lips. I think you know what I’m saying. Yes, she can be used as a flotation device in case of emergencies. Britney would sink. Consider your safety.
Britney Beats Her?: Britney’s probably tighter. With money. Which means better long-term prospects and slightly less chance of annoying a gang of Costa Rican pushers. Consider your safety.
I hope that’s helped. In a follow-up article I intend to show that age shouldn’t be a factor in choosing your obsession these days and we’ll be taking an in-depth look at the The Golden Girls, Vanessa Redgrave, and Demi Moore.