Your Furniture And You

Your choices in life reflect upon you in a myriad of ways. These choices are picked up as subconscious clues by your peers and they coax judgements upon your character subliminally.

Well, I’m not your peer – I’m your better – and there’s nothing subliminal about what I’m about to tell you: your furniture gives you away! Let me tell you about you …

Tennis Ball Chair

ChairThe Tennis Ball Chair by Will Holman is constructed from a chromed steel frame, MDF, oak veneer plywood, and fifty tennis balls that may or may not have been hit at Anna Kournikova.

If you buy this chair …

You’re fun, you’re quirky. You’re sporty. You’ve probably got a dartboard toilet seat and a fridge constructed from a bowling ball lane. You like those car seat covers made from wooden beads. You have no idea how much I hate you for that. You like to be different. Oh, you’re different, all right. You like the feel of balls pushed up against your buttocks. No, you really like the feel of balls pushed up against your buttocks.

Mod Quad Coffee Table

TableThe Mod Quad coffee table is a modern – and by "modern" I mean "beige" – table that hides four compartments ideal for keeping vibrators out of view when the vicar turns up. Or for surprising your vicar with a vibrator when he turns up. Depends on the vicar of course.

If you buy this table …

You are determined to eventually overcome your accidental catapulting of coffee cups across the room.

Spin System Seating

SeatingThe Spin System seating is a private commission piece created by Jim Hannon-Tan. The seating rotates out from a central column to seat up to 8 people at a time. 8 people who enjoy being in close proximity to one another on white plastic indoors.

If you buy this seating system …

You’re anal about cleanliness. You need to put things away if they’re not being used. You like surfaces that wipe down. Yeah, just why is that then? You like the colour white. White looks clean. You don’t like being dirty. Or do you? You hang around hospitals and sniff the ammonia in janitors’ buckets. You have seven friends with differing leg heights and/or social standing who will gladly accept being sat on the smallest section of seating and looked down upon if that is where you deem they must go. You’re not concerned that someone might close up two of the seats at once and sever you in half. But now you are.

Amaka Contemporary Chaise Longue

ChairThe Amaka-style chaise longue, created by Casa Nova, is a contemporary piece of furniture with a dated seventies look. Modern light styling and materials with a classic feel combine to … oh, forget it, it’s brown.

If you buy this chaise longue …

You’re better than other people. You’re Mister Stylismo. You’re a fan of retro. You wish every day was 1974 again. You think moustaches and coiffeured hair are the epitome of manly chic. The shorts you wear are too short and too tight. They are too tight! You’ll probably pronounce it chaise lounge because you’re an idiot. Nothing beats Old Spice. You haven’t given any thought to how you’re going to get up off the chair without sliding around in pools of your fake tan, slipping off the edge, windmilling your arms, and generally looking like a tit.

Author: Mark

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