Have you been thinking about having a colostomy bag fitted but you’re not sure if you should? What will the neighbours say? What will your priest say? Will you need to wear a special sign around your head so people don’t slap you on the stomach playfully and ruin your new shirt? Is this just another quick fad or are fashion colostomies here to stay? All these questions ignored below!
The Dangers Of Colostomy Bags
Suffocation. Your bag will be non-porous and, therefore, carries with it a risk of suffocation. Keep it away from pets and small children and do not wear it over your head. Doubly true when full. You can reduce the danger of asphyxiation by requesting a porous model. But I wouldn’t. Oh no.
Human Evolution. Like most creatures in the animal kingdom humans are essentially doughnut-shaped. On the surface this does not appear to be the case – with the exception of the Korean Fighting Doughnut Fish – but it is a scientific fact just like "butterflies can’t fly straight for shit". The "hole" starts at the mouth and ends at the anus. Sometimes it ends just beyond the anus but you can get cream for that. Once your colostomy bag is put in place one end of the "hole" will no longer serve any purpose. If that end isn’t your anus then your surgeon operated on you upside down. When a body part is no longer necessary or used it shrivels up and dies to reduce energy costs (see: ‘politicians and brains’, or ‘Whoopi Goldberg and eyebrows’). Your anal passage will inevitably seal over unless you exercise it in other ways (don’t tell me how, don’t tell me how, don’t tell me how) transforming you into a cup-form as opposed to a doughnut-shape. Always carry an umbrella with you when it rains otherwise you might fill up and drown.
Elevators. Three hundred people die of embarrassment each year immediately after having their colostomy bags trapped in a closing elevator door. Don’t be one of those people!
The Stigma Of Colostomy Bags
There was a time in the not-so-distant past when wearing a colostomy bag was something to be ashamed of. As recently as the 1970s in Britain it was even an offence to wear one in public and carried with it custodial and truncheonable sentences on a par with homosexual acts of a homosexual nature with homosexuals and loitering with intent to commit homosexual acts of a homosexual nature with homosexuals. In these more enlightened times both the criminality of "baggers" (as wearers are known) and the attached social stigma are gone. Indeed, with the many changes in modern life in the last couple of decades many professions and people are discovering that a colostomy bag is a boon and something to be rightly proud of.
Don’t be afraid or embarrassed of your colostomy bag; embrace it! Not literally. Nobody said your bag has to be plain or transparent or hidden away so why not jazz it up with a mural or buy a stylish Apple iColostomy™ and wear it openly with pride? Pimp your colostomy bag. Bling it up. And other such hip phrases.
Fun With Colostomy Bags
A colostomy bag isn’t just practical; it’s versatile and full of fun too. When it’s empty. When it’s actually full it’s not full of fun at all. There’s simply no end of other practical uses or engineered moments of hilarity you can get from your little bag:
- supermodels can spend considerable time and effort finding a toilet cubicle into which they can hide and purge following accidental swallowing of grape skin and that’s time that someone thinner and more coked-up can stagger on fleshless legs into the line of sight of a designer and be awarded an assignment. A colostomy bag means that purging can take place anywhere. That’s money in the bank!,
- the Harry Potter franchise and Peter Jackson’s editing mean that movies are increasing in length all the time; films averaged 66 minutes during the second world war but now that figure is pushing 4.6 hours (figures derived by rolling 2d100). Long films and "small" beverage cups that double as Saturn V rocket stages lead inevitably to numerous toilet breaks that disrupt everyone else’s enjoyment in the cinema and cause you to not hear the all-important plot point … unless you’re wearing your colostomy bag! Now you can go when you like, empty it on whoever you like (talkers and mobile phone users I’m looking at you), and still not miss a thing. Handy Tip: if anyone overhears your bag filling up during a movie and turns around with a quizzical expression simply say "isn’t it amazing what Lucasfilm THX can do!?",
- police officers who like to inject some fun into their jobs can play hilarious practical jokes on the next set of drivers they stop and ask to take breathaliser tests,
- airline passengers who like to carry on board more than one piece of hand luggage’s worth no longer have to resort to lubricating their back passages and praying to the physics God that air pressure changes don’t trap permanently their additional items with a handy zip-fastening colostomy bag. Great for smugglers and terrorists too!,
- you’ll never have to worry about unsafe sex ever again when you’re wearing your colostomy bag. Functioning both as a mood-killer and a condom it caters for every occasion!,
- forever swallowing your car keys? Painful rectal experiences and post-toilet sieving will be a thing of the past when you’re bagged up and ready to go!,
- be that one clown the kids will never forget to tell their psychoanalysts about when they grow up and learn to make colostomy bag-balloon dogs for parties,
- we all know that a magician’s best friend is his palm; without it he’d never be able to pretend an endless of supply of eggs were coming out of his mouth and let’s not forget that a wand only goes so far towards a happy finish. But why not stay one step ahead of the rest of the guild, prepack your bag with an assortment of foreign objects, give it a squeeze below line of sight, and regurgitate your way to magical success?,
- be the envy of nerddom at the next science fiction convention and wear a colostomy bag designed to look like Kuato from Total Recall,
- there’s nothing worse than forgetting to stock up on treats at Halloween and having your door kicked in by angry, sugar-addled teens but with a colostomy bag as a friend you’ve got a source of extra special chocolate fudge close to hand at all times,
- save precious seconds when escaping from a capsizing cruise liner by throwing yourself straight into the sea and inflating your personal buoyancy bag through the power of terror farting. Handy Tip: if you’re having trouble conjuring up the required wind try to remember that sharks just love a good sea disaster,
- transport goldfish safely in your colostomy bag and keep your hands free for warding off fish thieves.
And many, many more!