What I Don’t Like About Christians

ChristiansHere’s what I don’t like about Christians:

I don’t like those beards they have. Beards and no moustaches? What’s that all about? Now those hats are quite funky – a hat is a good thing and more people should wear hats – but that whole no moustache, full beard-look going on is just plain wrong. If God had wanted beards and no moustaches he would have bloody well given men beards and no moustaches. Don’t tell me there’s a passage in the Bible about only using your Gillette Fusion above your lip.

And why do Christian men want to marry lots of women at once and call them wifey-sister-daughters or something. Sounds decidedly dodgy to me. Although a troupe of Marie Osmonds does hold a certain appeal; harmonic singing, obviously. Oh, and orgies. But still: I don’t recall Jesus marrying one woman let alone a menagerie of the species. As I recall the chap was pretty fond of hanging around with men more-or-less exclusively. Christians: just hang around with men. Stop marrying lots of women.

You know when Christians protest outside churches saying God hates whatever is currently occurring in or nearby? Yeah, well I don’t like that about Christians. Admittedly, your old fictional Jesus fella did cause a bit of a furore in a temple once, so I recall, but it seems he might have had a more genuine reason for it. Which reminds me: Winchester Cathedral! Pay to enter? Get lost!

I don’t approve of Christians heading off and forcing indigenous peoples to convert to their version of Imaginary Friend Syndrome. Stop doing that! Those people are most likely perfectly happy without indoctrination, fear, and the always popular Get Out Of Jail Free card that comes with every sin following a short bout of confession. Does believing in wine transforming into the blood of dead Middle Easterners help keep a twisted fronds roof over your jungle head? It does not.

When those Christians get together in groups and dress up as ghosty witches it does look pretty cool and a lot of fun but, seriously, haven’t you people heard of regular bonfires and embracing the community? A little thought about safety and integrating with the tanned members of society will go a long way to making those meetings really kick. Exclusionist clubs can cause unrest and no Christian wants that. No Christian wants unrest!

I’m not a big fan of people having non-consensual sex because it just seems like that’s bad and not very Christian. With that in mind I think Christians should stop having sex with children because it’s difficult for the little blighters to really know what they’re agreeing to. Just a thought I’m putting out there. Small people are still okay; Jeanette Krankie, for instance.

And killing people or intimidating people because they’ve decided not to carry a parasite to full term because of some irrational and picked-from-the-ether idea of holiness in an undetectable soul that resides in a group of cells (not dissimilar from any other animal’s) dividing and reproducing after a merging took place during an exchange of bodily fluids at some indeterminate gang rape, incest, drunken haze, or unlikely toilet seat, bath, or swimming pool situation in the recent past would seem to be a classic case of being a very bad thing to do about stuff that is none of your business.

Oh, and why are Christians so full of hatred towards gay people? Gay is just another word for happy. Blessed are those who hate the happy. Yeah, I don’t even have to dig out the sermon on the mount action interlude to know that’s not in there. Leave them be, Christians. Let them marry if they want to. Marriage isn’t even religious so sod off.

And stop turning up at my door in pairs. That seems to imply you think there’s safety in numbers. Well, there isn’t and it shows a distinct lack of faith in whatever flavour of God you believe in who amazingly has all the same prejudices you do. Cowardly Christians!

Anyway, for the sake of balance here’s what I like about Christians:

I like the way they all help the poor and needy without judging or asking for anything in return.

I like the way they forgive everything.

Next time: what I do and don’t like about all those dark-skinned, West-hating, women-suppressing, stone-throwing, chant-happy, unrest-causing, suicide-bombing Muslim people.

Author: Mark

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  1. Haha, very good points. Reminds me of a conversation I had with God.

    Me: What is a million years like to you?
    God: Like one second.
    Me: What is a million dollars like to you?
    God: Like one penny.
    Me: Can I have a penny?
    God: Just a second.

    Ever since then I was a convert to the Temple of Visa and Mastercard.

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  2. That’s a funny joke… i misread the title heading at 1st as:-

    What I Don’t Like About Christmas… oops!!!

    I was going to say visiting family… but, that doesn’t matter anymore…

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