Warriors, come out to play-ee-ay

So, Paramount will be remaking (that’s industry code for "not spending any time coming up with new ideas when old ones are ripe for butchering") 1979 classic – despite what my girlfriend says – The Warriors.

Dear God,
Please smite Hollywood,

Here’s an article about it and here’s a quote from the article with some of my own emphasis:

[The new and ruined] version will follow the outline of the first film — in which a gang leader is assassinated during a truce, and The Warriors, wrongly accused of the assassination, must make their way home through hostile gang territories — while updating the heightend (sic) reality of the original film for contemporary audiences

Cold shivers should be on their way to you now. Let me know if you don’t receive yours.

How can you make a film about gangs in any way contemporary when gangs aren’t a problem in modern life? Possible suggestions include:

  • the Warriors, a "gang" of scouts selling cookies are wrongly accused of not helping an old lady across the road and must make it back to wherever the hell scouts go at the end of the day avoiding girl guides and busloads of foreign exchange students,
  • the Warriors, a "gang" of stockbrokers are wrongly accused of insider-trading and must make it out of their skyscraper avoiding accountants, angry shareholders, evil corporations intent on takeovers, and cleaning women,
  • the Warriors, a "gang" of peewee ice hockey players are wrongly accused of being rubbish and must make it through to the playoffs avoiding being beaten and any accusations that the film is The Mighty Ducks.

We can’t know for sure until the "new" script is written (believed to be starting over the weekend, scheduled to finish on Monday) but some pre-production shots have been leaked already that might give some clues as to what a contemporary remolestation of the film might look like:

Can you dig it?
Original – Cyrus addresses the gangs
Can you count to three?
Remake – Barney addresses the gangs

Nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide
Original – the mysterious DJ keeping everyone up-to-date with current gang news and traffic reports on the hour.
Dot dot dot, dash dash, dot dot dot
Remake – lolz txt msgs.

Travel in style ><br />
Original – the subway plays an important part in the film.<br />
<img src=
Remake – anti-terrorism rules prohibiting the photography and filming of New York’s underground rail system open the door for thrilling high-speed Segway chases.

Author: Mark

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  1. Erm. Never seen it. No idea what you’re on about.

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  2. Is Barney doing that trick with the golfballs and the cigar? The one they won’t let him do on TV?

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  3. Indeed he is Frank. It was supposed to be an animated gif of exactly that but I ran out of enthusiasm.

    Anni – buy or rent the DVD now! Fabulous film. Gritty. Grimy. Gangy. "Most colourful gangs ever!" said the Sun, and "Five stars for the rolling skating dudes!" said the Liverpool Echo.

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