It’s a big day in America. The Republicans are literally wetting their pants at the amount of patriotic imbecility they can stir up among the inbred masses of the central states in the run-up to, sadly, what will probably be the re-election of President Bush, the only President in history to have been scientifically proven to have run the country worse than an actual bush would have. Using computers and ouija boards and what-nots.
All day today and for the next few weeks/months/decades/generations you’re going to keep hearing how the War On Terror™ is being won but that the War On Terror™ has no end and that anyone in office but Bush will mean that the War On Terror™ will come ashore in, ooh, let’s say Seattle, rape your children and then blow up any relatives of yours in nursing homes. You’re also going to hear that you have to help your government in order to fight the War On Terror™ and that it’s your duty as citizens to:
- look out for signs that you are under attack from the War On Terror™ and alert your nearest police officer (who will then arrest you for suspected collusion with the aforementioned War On Terror™ under Patriot Act law 6792 – ‘Gut Feeling That Person’s An Al Qaedanoid‘ – and detain you without any rights for 48 hours while the War On Terror™ is being thoroughly buck-passed, an act you’ll be happy to suffer as the price to pay for safety),
- vote George W. Bush,
- never forget to remember that Saddam Hussein personally flew all the planes into the World Trade Center towers,
- donate often and in high volumes to the only people trying to make sure that you are safe and sound asleep in your detention cell, Halliburton,
- avoid watching the news to avoid unnecessary scaremongering by insidious evil-doers and, instead, keep your eyes glued to entertainment programmes such as American Idol, Survivor, Joey, and Fox News.
Now, I’m a helpful person but I can’t help with many of those points for those of you too moronic to help yourselves. Help you stop you watching the news? If you’re in America chances are good you can’t see it anyway. Help you donate? I’d love to but I’m a silicon-based lifeform masquerading as a human; I’m not made of money though. Help you remember that never forgetting is a memorable thing to never forget? Never Say Never Again is my motto, and a bad James Bond film, so no dice. Help you vote for George W. Bush? You’ll probably find that the Senate’s got your back on that one. Help you determine if you’re under attack? Hey! You know, I might be of some assistance there! Why not?
Here goes then; a handy cut-out and keep guide to determining if you are under attack from the War On Terror™.
Disclaimer: any injuries suffered attempting to cut-out and/or keep this guide, including (but not limited to) monitor fragments in the eye, electrocution, hernia, and leprosy are your own damn fault.
Suspicious Event: Two puncture marks on the neck, aversion to sunlight.
Likely Cause: The most obvious answer is that an agent of Osama bin Laden has snuck into your house under cover of darkness and injected you with a bio-toxin hoping that you will go into the community and spread the disease through vile western activities such as "kissing" and "coughing" and "unprotected clown sex." The reason for two puncture marks is that most agents of Osama bin Laden are not, despite common beliefs, trained nurses and are, despite common beliefs, quite squeamish when it comes to needles.
What Can You Do?: It is important not to panic your American comrades. Plenty of pale make-up will hide the puncture marks but there is still the problem of the disease. Everyone knows that germs are killed by one of three things: bigger germs, love, and heat. You’re on your own with the first two but you can help with the latter solution by donning black clothing – and plenty of it. This will help to absorb heat and light radiating from any source. To reduce the risk of contagion you should finally limit yourself to social groups where interaction is at a minimum: depressed teenagers, Baptists, etc.
Suspicious Event: Nausea following a night in/out drinking.
Likely Cause: When you drink alcohol you’re drinking liquid made from the juice of alcohol berries. Alcohol berries are nurtured by and force-fed to drunkards while they are unconscious where, after careful liver fermentation has taken place, the resultant pure fluid is pissed out by the aforementioned group of inebriates into drains and against your car. Filters in the sewer system remove the alcohol from the other detritus and excrement and this is then bottled and sold to you. It’s a system that not even the most suicidal of terrorists would dare to try to interrupt were it not for the weak link in the chain: all the alcohol berries come from France. Chances are that the nausea you’re feeling is because the French are aiding the War On Terror™ and deliberately coating non-lethal but still-debilitating chemicals to the berries at source so as to reduce the working capacity of America and make it less capable of winning the fight.
What Can You Do?: If you suspect because of the way you feel in the morning that there is a batch of alcohol out there that could harm your fellow workers then it is imperative that you phone in sick and consume as much more of the drink as you can find. To prevent it falling into other hands. It’s what George W. Bush would do. Actually, it’s what he did for several years at a stretch. What a patriot!
Suspicious Event: Person sporting a mullet.
Likely Cause: Traditionally, the mullet was always the symbol of fans of "Country ‘n’ Western" music, the reason for that being that that particular music was most appreciated by those who cut their own hair with hunting knives and getting it all neat and tidy around the back was always too much trouble to bother with. Plus with men and women all looking the same from behind it gave everyone that much needed "reasonable cause" defence in case they were caught in the middle of activities banned by their particular state. But that was the 1980s. And time moves on. Time just moves much slower in the more remote areas of the world. This is why, today, country music fans have got as far as 1980s hairstyles. So, the only people with mullets now are those who have been living even more remotely than Alabama. Say, Afghanistan for example. Yes, mullets are worn exclusively by ex-members of the Taliban who escaped the half-arsed attempt to punish them.
What Can You Do?: The Taliban are well-known subjugators of women and women’s rights so the perfect, measured response to seeing one in public is to strip him naked, beat him, then anally rape him with whatever comes to hand. Don’t worry: Dick Cheney says it’s perfectly okay to do this and there’ll be no comeback. Why not take some pictures while you’re at it?
Suspicious Event: Pirate ghost in the bathroom.
Likely Cause: Pirates were commonly known as "The Terrors Of The Eight Seas" in the days before one of the seas was reclassified as Peru. Similarly, since as long as I can remember and probably a few days before that too, ghosts have enjoyed a fearsome reputation as "The Terrors Of The Existential Plane Of Existence Between This Continuum And The One After, The One With The Egg People And The Centipede King With Karen Carpenter’s Face." Some people prefer the term "Patrick Swayze" but, although it’s admittedly very terrifying too, it doesn’t include the word ‘terror’ and so is ruled ineligible by referee Tom Ridge. A pirate ghost anywhere is therefore terror multiplied by terror. In your bathroom it’s even worse as it’s terror that can see your naughty bits and knows when you don’t wipe properly. But why is it in your bathroom? Two words: thought crime.
What Can You Do?: The pirate ghost can only be defeated in the afterlife and, since it’s your fault it’s there in the first place, you must kill yourself and battle it as penance. Otherwise George won’t put in a good word for you and you won’t get into Heaven.