It’s almost time for UK local elections and if you’re anything like me then that means you can barely control yourself with feelings of utter excitement and are kept dry all day long by the power of PolitiThrill™ (With Extra Padding).
Oh, local elections! What a day May 4th will be this year! Fully 0.1% of us will make our way to the local school co-opted for the occasion, there to decide what bunch of elderly people we’ve never heard of incapable of gainful employment in other professions will be running/ruining (delete as applicable) the local council for the next few years. There’s a buzz in the air, an adrenalin rush just before the big gamble.
If you’re one of the other nine people in the city about to vote this year then you should be trying to work out who to vote for based on local issues. I know I should. Local issues such as:
- if there are three main routes into the city (and there are) and the three main routes need repairing (which they do) and you only have enough workmen to repair one of them (which is probably an overestimate) and there is hardly any traffic on the road during the period we call "night" (it’s true) then don’t (for the love of Christ) cone off all three roads at the same time and leave them coned off for six months while your miniscule workforce moves from one to the other (traffic allowing) to attend to a little light repairwork for eighteen minutes a day during rush hour or I might have to murderise the lot of you,
- why oh why is it so difficult to park near my house? Don’t answer that! I’ll tell you. Every other person in the street has a car and works for a company that supplies a white van which they then park not at the company on private grounds but near to their house too or, more often, outside my house meaning I have to park nineteen roads away and those shopping bags from Asda are not strong enough! That’s why. Oh why,
- why oh why oh why are children and teenagers allowed to roam the streets in groups of more than one after I get in from work? That’s not why I pay excessive amounts of council tax to the police.
Of course, the main political parties know that nobody cares about local issues when it comes time for electing the decrepit into power and it’s national issues that determine everything. The Conservatives may actually have a leader with a personality and a decidedly green streak to them this year but they’re still the cold-hearted party of viciousness in our minds. Labour might be doing wonders at … something I suppose … but they’ll always be the money-wasting, warmongering, murdering, privacy-intruding party with a fresh coat of cold-hardedness and viciousness just for good measure. The Liberal Democrats have a yellow logo. In the minds of voters it’s a tough choice and there’ll be a balancing act between local concerns and national fears. How do the parties match up?
At a national level Conservatives come down hard on it and believe that punishment is the solution, the Liberal Democrats come down less hard on it and believe that raising of life standards is the solution, and Labour are really good at it and believe that four more years of power is the solution. Locally, each party has success stories and failures.
ELECTION FACT: In Norwich late last year the predominantly Labour council were conned by Dutch politicians into agreeing to a social exchange that saw Delia Smith swapped for a dozen spliff-addled, clog-wearing rapists leading to a massive upsurge in criminal activity but less overall embarrassment.
The Conservatives have recently promoted their new "Vote Blue, Go Green" slogan which (I was surprised to learn) refers to environmental issues and not some harmful bodily reaction designed to warn against trusting David Cameron. The Tories claim many local green successes such as bus runs for children, chip fat-powered vehicles, and secretly replacing all engines with eco-friendly hamster balls. Labour are making the targeting of chameleons their number one priority this year and plan to release genetically modified myxomatosis into the drinking water. The Lib Dems’ plan to install a wind turbine on every house has caused uproar in the science community with computer simulations predicting a Britain of the near future sailing the seas of the world causing havoc to international shipping and whales.
ELECTION FACT: In Wandsworth an award-winning Conservative council has wiped out 88000 square metres of graffiti in the last year alone. The deployment of the argon-strontium nerve gas also reduced flea infestation among pigeons through explosive decompression and phase-shifted the local Tesco supermarket.
Liberal Democrats have long been supporters of privacy, extending this policy to their own politicians and councillors, most of whom remain unknown to this day. Like all the parties the Liberals intend to extend their views on privacy still further following the elections and will remove all identifying numbers, marks, and symbols from houses throughout the country. It is not expected to affect postal deliveries. The Conservative party believe in the right to privacy of organisations, businesses, companies, and their own sex lives but everyone else is fair game. As part of a "getting to know you" policy constituent members will be required to billet councillors when asked. Whatever sex happens in the home stays in the home. Labour’s ID card expenditure will mean no money for anything other than the construction of identity scanning stations across the land from next year. Private firms will guard the stations from attack and collect citizens from their home to be probed and stored. While this is happening to you Labour Loyalists will break into your home and note what sort of underwear you like allowing you to be inundated with offers from Calvin Klein.
ELECTION FACT: The Leicester city council, currently run by a Lib Dem/Conservative coalition is just a figment of John Prescott’s imagination.
The Conservatives are striving to clean up not just the environment but also the appearance of our cities, roads, and parks. Attracting investment and kickbacks is paramount. The ugly problem of litter-strewn, gum-stuck, dogshit-ridden streets and the economical failing of high unemployment will come together as the Conservatives unleash their "Make Britain Quite Pretty" campaign. The long-term unemployed will be ground down into ecologically degradable bleach with which the short term unemployed can wash everything to earn their dole money and gain impetus to get a job. The Liberal Democrats plan to raise money through Fidel Castro and employ everyone currently out of work as proportional representation campaigners. If everything goes to plan and they sweep to power in the general election then the Tory’s Operation Bleach will be co-opted. Labour intend to supply the unemployed as ground troops in the upcoming Iran War and Venezuela Six Year Conflict.
ELECTION FACT: Jack Straw is a firm supporter of immigration because he knows that birds cannot survive harsh winters otherwise.
Britain’s infrastructure – its roads, rail links, and public transport – is recognised around the world for the unmitigating disaster it is. The Lib Dems have got hold of Tok’ra crystals and will build tunnels through the country’s soil if elected. The Conservatives’ determination for environmental issues means that most of Britain’s infrastructure will be broken up and sold to Africa; it’s gliders for everyone. Labour’s plan to save our roads is to track every vehicle at all times and increasingly tax users until people are forced into using public transport to avoid destitution. This will indirectly fund public transport finally allowing them to run a decent service but will anger the oil producing countries and lead to threats of terrorism even higher than we’ve had to become used to.
ELECTION FACT: Labour councillors in Portsmouth are so desperate to be elected that they’ve been offering to take potential voters "up the Spinnaker Tower if you know what I mean". It was a really good view but I couldn’t walk properly for ages afterwards and will vote Lib Dem this year.