The Queen’s Speech has finished and we learn that Tony Blair – that reprehensible, contemptible, lying, murder-responsible, intelligence-fixing, smarmy git of a "beloved leader" here in the kingdom so fractured they named it the United Kingdom for a laugh – still wants to introduce ID cards. The Identity Card Bill will be one of his first tests to confirm just how incredibly stupid the population of this country still are, following hot on the heels of his stumbling victory only won through archaic voting practices and the support of tax-evading foreigner Rupert Murdoch’s news filtering services.
The key reason that Blair and our New Labour Overlords continue (repeat, repeat, resubmit the bill, repeat) to put forward for ID cards is this: (look into my eyes) identity cards (look into my eyes) will (not around the eyes) help (not around the eyes) prevent (look directly into my eyes) terrorism.
What’s not explained is how they will do this but the small-print of the bill spells it out nicely: identity cards will be fitted with RFID chips, bugging devices, and really strong horse glue. This combination means that although you won’t be forced to carry one on you at all times – this won’t be Nazi Germany for another couple of years yet! – you also won’t be able to put one down after your irises are scanned, fingerprints taken, weight and height measured, health history recorded, sexual and religious preferences extracted under torture, and you are photographed nude for future leverage. Everything you do, everywhere you go, and everything you say will be stored for posterity. Trigger words and phrases such as "Blair" and "wish someone would punch that smirking fucker in the teeth" will result in instant incarceration, interrogation, and re-education. Voices that sound a little swarthy will cause the ID cards to self-arm and release ricin into the skin.
How much will ID cards cost each person?
The initial figure issued has been around £70 per identity card per person (UPDATE: In the couple of weeks since writing this article the cost has been raised to £93 per person; guess how much it will be when it finally comes in despite the wishes of the people … and win a prize!). This type of ID card will entitle the bearer to have their privacy invaded both in this country and abroad. Cheaper versions will be available for those patriotic people who decide not to help the economies of less terror-prone nations by visiting them. A special "Red, White, & Blue Premium ID Card" priced at £129 comes with a book of discount vouchers that can be used at Marks & Spencers, various garages, and a portrait studio near you.
Of course, those figures are "today’s figures" and in no way reflect the actual cost of forcibly purchasing an ID card in the world of tomorrow. Using government contracts, estimates, timescales, and common sense as a basis of extrapolation we can easily predict an initial cost for a basic Free Citizen Subdermal Monitor Chip (as they’ll then be known) to be £775 per person. By that time – conservative guess: Summer 2019 – the average wage will have risen 8%, just 210 times lower than that of inflation so it’s not quite as low as it seems. Furthermore, that figure will be the one deemed just below the riot threshold through government polling. The true price – £1800 – will be absorbed through a series of stealth taxes and reduced services elsewhere in the country.
What information will be stored on ID cards?
In addition to all of the biometric data and samples of your DNA, your psychological profile will also be included. Not only will this data be used to guess who could be a potential terrorist sympathiser with something approaching 3% accuracy, but it will also be shared with Scientologists. Do you often sing or whistle just for fun? L. Ron Hubbard – a large financial backer of the Labour party – wants to know from beyond the grave.
Everyone you have ever slept with and their ratings and comments for you will be indeliby linked to you forever on your ID card but access to this will be very limited; only you, the government, the police, shopkeepers, advertising agencies, double glazing companies, insurers, your current partner, and anyone who realises the password for the ‘sa’ user is also ‘sa’ will be able to see that you’re already married, gave syphilis to your first girlfriend, and have a penchant for sniffing armpits.
Who benefits from ID cards?
Firstly, we, as a nation, will benefit from far fewer terrorist attacks than we receive today. Figures from the last five years of no terror attacks, no terror attacks, no terror attacks, no terror attacks, and no terror attacks respectively will become a thing of the past and we can all look forward to other numbers entirely.
Secondly, and more importantly, a select group of people will benefit from the introduction of identity cards in very tangible ways:
- the owners of the companies that produce the hardware and software for the ID cards – after several years of estimate revision, bugs requiring massive investment to compensate for, delays because of the weather, implementation of the new lip-imprint holography technology, support for Bluetooth, etc. – will be able to collect their profits, leave the country, and go and live on their own islands where their privacy can be respected and, indeed, enforced through cheap labour supplied by people wrongly identified as revolutionary Mexicans thanks to a missing comma,
- all politicians who support this bill will receive massive kickbacks from the contractors and can enjoy early retirement safe from the pensions crisis and crumbling infrastructure and ecosystem ravaging the land at the time that could be offset through quashing the bill in the first place,
- the criminal underground can concentrate on only forging one piece of documentation now meaning faster turnaround and larger profits with which to bribe officials into letting in illegal immigrants upon whom to charge reasonable fees to supply fake ID cards, thus creating a perpetual motion machine of income, allowing crime syndicates to rule the country, which will be handy since all the members of parliament will be vacationing in Bermuda anyway,
- Christian groups will be granted access to personal data and given portable scanners because of their non-profit status so they can identify anybody harbouring deviant thoughts from thirty feet away and launch a barrage of pointy crucifixes at their heads or garotte them with rosary beads safe in the knowledge that the act is one Jesus would have approved of if He wasn’t in Bermuda too.
Don’t the majority of the UK public want ID cards?
Who told you this? A politician? Whoever has been asking the question never got around to me and I’m damn-well important. I’m a free individual; the most powerful force in the world. Well, when I don my cape and boots and basque and monocle and become crime-fighting shock hero Superburlesque Man I do have marginally more power but, in any event, it’s still me.
The answer to the question is No. The British public don’t want ID cards. The spokespeople who state that they do are referring to a 2004 survey conducted by two teenage girls in a shopping centre in Mumbai and the actual question posed to four Indians just coming out of a call centre was "Would you like a card that entitles you to free entry at the new Taste Of Romford nightclub?" Later questions used are of the form "Do you not care if you don’t not have to not have not an identity card?" At no point are people actually asked simply "Do you want an identity card that you will have to fork out for out of your own money?" Can’t imagine why.
How can we stop ID cards?
If we were living in a true democracy there might be a way that didn’t involve kidnapping of MPs and their families followed by unspeakable acts with hard fruit. But we aren’t. Operation Pineapple-Stretched Arsehole Threat is the only option. I am now seeking recruits. Anyone with previous experience of contemplating how good it would feel to ram a coconut up the back passage of David Blunkett is most welcome to sign up.