Total TV Guide Letters

One of my little joys in life is to pick up a copy of Total TV Guide during the weekly shopping and – whilst waiting in the unmoving queue at Asda behind whichever person has decided that today (now that they’re over 50) would be the best day to try out one of those new fangled supermarket things and see what all the fuss is about and it’s nice to chat to new people and yes, they would like help with their bags and I can’t believe postal orders and stamps aren’t gladly accepted as payment any longer – flip open the television guide magazine straight to the inside back page. What’s inside the back page of Total TV Guide?

Letters from readers! Oh! I do like reading readers’ letters. My joy, my weekly jolt of ecstacy comes from shouting at the letters page. The people of Asda have grown to ignore me.

But this week there was an empty checkout and we sailed through (we did pay; we go to Asda for the savings but we’re Waitrose people at heart) and this means I didn’t get to vent.

If only I had a website.

Total TV Guide Letter 1

Dear Mrs M Delicata-Bennett of London,

Firstly: congratulations on that name! You must wake up every morning and smile. If I had that name I would spend all day phoning places and leaving messages with my full name. “Is Sir Jimmy Saville there? No? Well, could you tell him I called? He doesn’t know me. The name, though; it’s Mrs M Delicata-Bennett. There’s a hyphen but you don’t pronounce it.”

Now, onto your gripe: I feel your pain. Not with Primeval, because that’s tripe, but it is irritating when a show suddenly shifts from one channel to another and you don’t have that other channel. It’s almost as if the channel that buys that show knows it’s popular and wants to encourage people to swap their viewing platform to continue watching it with them so that they can get a boost in viewing figures and then charge higher prices to advertisers. I say “it’s almost” like that but actually “it’s exactly” like that. This is because television is a business and this isn’t the Glorious Socialist Republic Of Englandia. I know you want free TV shows (I do too) and you want only the sort of TV shows you like (I like sci-fi) and you want them never to cancel your favourite shows (there’s a void in my innards where Firefly, Stargate Universe, Caprica, Blake’s 7, and U.F.O. once lived) and you hate it when TV channels poach the programmes you love (Sky TV: if you were a person you would not have long for this world were I nearby with a blunt instrument) but business is business and adults should be adult about it and stop whining and just sell a kidney and pay for the TV package upgrade. There.

Great name!

Total TV Guide Letter 2

Dear Dannii Minogue,

If you think for one second I’m going to abide by the superinjunction that prohibits people from knowing that you even have a secret identity or that your secret identity name is Harriet Johnson from Kent when you so brazenly self-promote yourself in this way then you’ve got another thing coming missy!

P.S. you’re my favourite Minogue.

Total TV Guide Letter 3

Dear Gary K Waters of Blackpool,

I’m going to be brutally honest up front with you: I’ve never met a Gary I liked and I think Blackpool is a cesspit. Now, on with your letter…

Oh, boo hoo, you’re not going to watch a TV programme because an iron head of Hitler was sold in it! The makers of Four Rooms must be kicking themselves. They’ve lost Gary from Blackpool! Do you know what else makes money from Hitler? Anything with Hitler in it. War films? I guess you’re not watching them any more. The Blues Brothers? Great film! Oh, but wait… Illinois Nazis! You’re missing out on a cracker there. Half of all Discovery channel programmes… scrub them from your existence! Do you like the Olympic Games? You know that torch that gets carried and lights that big fiery thing at the start? I’ve got some bad news for you. The Blackpool Tower: designed by Goebbels. Donkey rides: torture invented by the Gestapo. Gay hotspots: von Ribbentrop’s greatest achievements. Shop after shop after shop selling utter tat to old people: Himmler’s idea of heaven!

Stay in bed, Gary. Don’t move, Gary. It’s an offensive world, Gary.

Total TV Guide Letter 4

Dear Mr G J Hughes of Kent,

Your first name’s not Gary is it?

And do you know Harriet Johnson? Looks a lot like Kylie Minogue’s sister.

I remember when Doctor Who was a kids’ show too. Those adorable Dalek puppets with their squeaky voices: “Let’s play with a kite! Let’s play with a kite! We are the superior kite-players!” Good times.

Woah! Hang on a sec… now I think about it a bit more… I’ve got a vague recollection… that… you’re an imbecile making things up. Doctor Who was always scary. I really did hide behind a sofa when I was younger. Then my parents bought a sofa that fitted flush with the wall and I knocked myself out during an episode of The Masque of Mandragora but that’s another story. And, in addition to swearing like sailors and not respecting their elders, kids like scary things. That’s the beauty of Doctor Who; a bit of something for (nearly) everyone. Scary stuff for little kids; hot companions for slightly older kids (hello Sophie Aldred!); storylines with a bit of bite for adults. When you say “thrilling, clever, playful, and packed with humour and fun” I think you’re probably really referring to the recent Doctor Who Homosexual Agenda Period under Russell T. Davies. Well, Doctor Who existed before then. And when you say “complex” and “hard enough for an adult to fathom” I think the adult you’re making mention of there is just you. It’s a show with more fans than just you.

If you want science fiction writing that’s light, aimed at kids, clever but not intricate, packed with humour and fun, a joy, and not frightening then may I humbly suggest a Marvin the Martian episode of Bugs Bunny? He has an otherworldly voice, though. You may need a cushion to hug.

Author: Mark

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  1. Dear neOnbubble,

    I am from the Glorious Socialist Republic Of Englandia and it is paramount to our unfaltering utopia that these shows are broadcast BY the people, FOR the people. I mean, if Danii Minogue were here, I am sure that her voice would resound throughout the entire interlink. With the power of socialism at her side, she would get her high profile show. Onward comrades!

    Best Regards,

    Gary K Waters, Blackpool (not a Nazi, honestly)

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    • Qelqoth! You’re back on these intarwebs!

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      • Indeed Mark. Well, to a certain extent. That user name is pretty much defunct, albeit for my PS3 login, Skype account and a few other places where I use it. Viva Der Übermensch! Oh, and tis good to see you again too. 🙂

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  2. Sad truth is that the majority of these letters are made up.

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  3. Actually Sid, as editor of this magazine, I can assure you they are not.

    Glad you like the mag – and the letters page – though!

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  4. Ever read the “letters” in the Sky TV mag? They’re all done off the same template.

    Dear Sky

    I really enjoy your magazine. When is the excellent [TV Show to which Sky has recently acquired the rights] going to be shown exclusively on Sky? Tell me! TELL ME!

    Dan Prick, Isleworth

    Dear Dan

    Thank you for your letter, you will be pleased to learn that [TV Show to which Sky has recently acquired the rights] will be shown exclusively on Sky this month!


    Brian MadeUpName, Letters Ed

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  5. looking through your “illustrious t.v. listings especially the Olympics.for your information.the two major competition in the world are soccer(the other country’s call it foot ball)and ware in your illustrious magazine do I find it listed.why am i surprised?I am not.your listing are are always incorrect,and non existing.repeats called called new..but at least show the Olympic as they are shown.
    yours truly the nit picker costa piperakis

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  6. I stand with my comments regarding the bust of Hitler.
    One reader wrote back saying that the funds generated went towards holocaust survivors.
    If I were one of the survivors (and I’m not and have no idea what that would even be like so anything following this is just me extrapolating my own non-Holocaust survivor life),I certainly would not want funds got by such a vile thing.
    It would seem too that someone has written an item using my name.Please don`t do this as my name is unique. I’m the only Gary K Waters in the entire world. I’m very nearly almost certain of that. It offends me dearly when people claim to be Gary K Waters and they’re clearly not Gary K Waters because the only Gary with a K Waters after the Gary is me. I’d also like to add that the bit of abuse I decided to direct at the owner of this site in the original version of this comment might just have backfired slightly as it turns out I’m a bit of a twat who didn’t fully read the disclaimer at the bottom of page. Not only that but you do really have to be an imbecile of the highest order to think that saying something abusive about the person who owns and runs a website actually on that website will actually ever get past comment moderation (or alteration in this instance). But then: that’s me! Gary K Waters!

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  7. Once again I’ve opened myself up to looking like a prat and having my wording altered because I’ve been abusive in my original message. You’d think I was capable of learning this but I’m what you might call a bit of a tit in that respect.
    Oh,and by the way,I did not give you permission to use my letter on your site,so I`ll figure out how much you owe me for the copyright breach,and I expect a decent sum. I intend to use the money to look up what copyright is and learn how I can’t copyright a public letter. Man, I’m so dumb, sometimes it’s a wonder I can put on socks. Wait. Where are my socks?
    Lastly,I suggest you meet survivors before you put them down. Not that you did put them down. I mean, I’m saying you put them down but then I’ve just taken another look and you haven’t put them down. I imagine things. It’s what makes me Gary K Waters. I worked as a nurse and cared for a survivor up until she passed away.She was a dear lady that did not deserve the life she had at the hands of your `chums`. Did you know Kate and Jimmy? No? Oh, well then it was somebody else’s chums I’m talking about then.
    No doubt,before you publish these latest words,you will alter them again. Holy crap! I learnt a thing! Hey,perhaps you could go into politics.The lies you tell would get you far!!! Personally, I’ve seen a village in need of idiot that’s got my name written all over it.

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