Torturers Union Xmas Newsletter

TortureDear Member,

Merry Christmas to you!

Welcome to another packed issue of our regular newsletter. We hope you still continue to find it interesting and relevant in today’s torturing world but we’re always eager to receive feedback on ways to improve the service written in your victims’ blood.

In this issue:

  • Torturer Of The Month
  • Eye-Gouging: Hints And Tips
  • We Need Your Help
  • Competition
  • Your Letters

Torturer Of The Month

What a month it’s been! In Azerbaijan Vlasijak The Cruel And Unusual broke the record for most red-hot pokers up the back passage of a political prisoner. Well done Vlasijak! The record is unofficial, of course, because of the rule that prohibits the Guinness organisation from recognising any record that could be considered dangerous – dangerous? Vlasijak is the consummate professional! – but we’re confident that next year we can get a few members in for a little chat and see if we can’t persuade them to enact a little rule-change.

I know we do it every month but we can’t talk about torturers the world over without mentioning ex-union President Simon Cowell’s continued service to the industry. A lifetime achievement award can only be a matter of "when" and not "if" now so why not place a bet at your local bookies?

Torturer Of The Month for December, however, must go to Canada’s own Rodney Pleasure. For a select few of us in the industry Rodney put on a private show a couple of weeks ago featuring twelve of his favourite Quebec mountain men detainees. Over the past year Rodney has perfectly pitched each of their individual screams and the resulting performance of Handel’s Hallelujah Chorus was truly a wonder to behold. The event was filmed, DVDs are expected to be available in the new year, and the rumour is they’ll also include a special version of The Gap Band’s Oops Upside Your Head. Start practicing your rowing now.

Congratulations Rodney!

Eye-Gouging: Hints And Tips

We had a great deal of positive responses to last month’s brief guide to heating metal spoons and placing them on open wounds so we’ve decided to make it a new regular feature. This month: eye-gouging!

The first bit of advice we can offer is always keep a small bowl of warm water, some soap, and a towel, or, alternatively, some moist wipes handy if you think you might engage in some gouging. I know we’re pretty evenly split among the "planned torturing" and "play it by torn ear" camps from our July poll but a little preparation is a must even for the most spontaneous of us. The reason for this is to clean the thumbs and fingers before commencing any gouge. Infections to the eyes from improperly cleansed digits are becoming a real problem in the industry and we’re in danger of losing our professional title.

Our second tip comes straight from Li Yuan in China who writes: "For a change why not gouge from the outside of the eye rather than nearer the bridge of the nose? Your clients and victims will love the variety and it will help keep your gouging skills from becoming stale!" That’s great Li Yuan!

If you’ve got any hints and tips on any method of torture then you know where to send them! And if there’s a particular topic you’d like to see covered in this newsletter then just let us know.

We Need Your Help

It’s no secret that 2002 and 2003 were great years for acquiring new clients and a steady stream of victims with which to hone our skills but 2004 saw some obvious problems.

In a nutshell we need to work hard now to prevent this year’s slight decline in employment opportunities becoming a massive dip. This means grassroots campaigning for wars against near neighbours and continuing to influence a change in the political climate towards a more Orwellian ideal for us all.

For more information and to see how you can make a difference right now please head on over to union affiliate PNAC and safeguard your future.


Last month’s competition to build the biggest naked detainee pyramid saw two winners: Dominic Wilson, chief torturer of Belmarsh Prison in the UK, and Svetlana Dioxinova – who describes herself as a "poisoner extraordinaire" – from the Ukraine both built six-man base pyramids. That’s fantastic building from the pair of you. Harrods House Of Racks have graciously donated a voucher for 50% off on their Purple Pain range for both winners. Thanks Harrods!

TortureIn this month’s competition, because it’s Christmas time, we want to see the most inventive uses of the following festive implements: a party popper, a dead reindeer, a glass of sherry, and a carving knife. You can either write in with a description or take a photo. For the winner there’s a brand new set of 8 flesh hooks from master craftsman Dietmar "Der Metallgott" Teufel. Entries to the usual address marked "Competition #14."

Your Letters

"The Don" writes:
I get off on watching humiliation and torture but am worried about taking part in case my actions are ever brought to light by a future administration of my country. I’m in a position of some authority and this is a serious matter. What do you suggest?

Well, "The Don," I see you’re from the USA and I understand why any form of liberal governing could cause nightmares, and not the good kind. However, you’ve got nothing to fear. America is not going to be run by anything other than a Republican administration for the next 250 years so secret incarcerations and information extracted under duress will be not only accepted practices but also government-approved, guaranteed! Get in there and get your hands dirty.

Mickey writes:
I like to use a flathead jewellers screwdriver to lift the toenails of my victims. What do you use?

It’s no secret that I’m a big fan of modern technology – although I’m a sucker for some retro information extraction every now and again – and my tool of choice is the Kenwood Multispeed Nail Elevator. Priced at under fifty pounds from all good suppliers it’s affordable and labour-saving and looks great in any dungeon!

Liza "Mistress Of Blisters" Berestrova writes:
I want to give something back to all the amputees confined in the pit over the Christmas period but I’m struggling to come up with something that shows I really care. I’d love to hear if you have any suggestions.

Liza, I’m sure you know better than me, but if any of your amputees are unlikely to give up any more valuable intelligence then Christmas is the perfect time to inflict a slow, painful death. Ripped to shreds by rabid rats in Santa hats seems almost too perfect. As a bonus it frees up room for a new year of torture. If death isn’t an option then you could always do what I did one year: a nativity play. The Three Wise Illegal Combatants stole the show.


Thankyou for supporting your International Torturers Union and letting us support you for another year. Have a happy bloodcurdling scream-filled yuletide.

Author: Mark

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  1. i have to admit to being slightly worried about you now.
    just an incy bit

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  2. Fluffy, Fluffsy, Fluffs, a little bit of torture never hurt anyone … okay, it hurt some … okay, quite a few people have been hurt by torture … but the point is that I know where you live.

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  3. Esesh: "I know we’re pretty evenly split among the "planned torturing" and "play it by torn ear" camps from our July poll "

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  4. your creativity when it comes to fake names is unsurpassed!

    Dietmar "Der Metallgott" Teufel?

    No amount of masturbation would ever allow me to cum…up with a name like that!

    oh, and how dare you speak of violent torture w/o one mention of the female species’ effect on the male brain? shame on you.

    *runs away*

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  5. Fake names? What are you implying? Dietmar is one of the Dresden Teufels. Old family. Lost a lot of business during the carpet bombing of WW2. Still influential in politics though and Europe’s largest midget fire-eaters agents too.

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  6. ah, it all becomes clear to me now…that you are clearly insane.

    are you sure you’re not confusing him with Dressdown Struedels of Brussel Sprouts, New England fame?

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  7. Correct me if i’m wrong but I think the Struedels fled Brussel Sprouts after the great cum purge of 83.

    I believe the only struedel still alive is Humbert Struedel of Chester Road. He’s on the register look him up.

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