There follows a short countdown of what currently constitutes my top five terrifying music videos. These are music videos that – whether deliberately or not – I find genuinely scary or creepy or disturbing.
5. Unkle – Eye For An Eye
I know what you’re thinking: yeah, that was nasty! All those black things bursting out and killing everything in sight! Gruesome! Scary! Eeevil with three es!
Yeah, that’s not what disturbs me. Breast feeding in public is what disturbs me. It’s not big and it’s not clever and yes, it’s natural, but so is defecating and that’s frowned upon so stop it. Big-mouthed, naked things climbing up and suckling on nipples is not on. If it was then I’d do it more often.
4. Mason vs Princess Superstar – Perfect
So just what’s so perfectly terrifying about this video for the Princess Superstar remix? I can sum that up in one word: eyelashes.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not scared of eyelashes as a rule. If I was then I’d spend half the day flapping at my face and poking myself in the eyeballs in terror. And I also understand and appreciate that eyelashes serve an important purpose in keeping the mascara industry in employment. However, I’m quite picky in where my eyelashes go. I’m your average, run-of-the-mill "let’s have them on the eyelids, eh?" sort of person. When they start appearing on the cheekbones … shudder. Now that’s just wrong. Freak show wrong. I watch that video and feel I’m seconds away from being kidnapped, having my limbs chopped off, and forced to live out my life with the girls in the video chanting "one of us". No sir, I don’t like it; I don’t like it at all.
3. Queen – I Want To Break Free
A moustachioed man in a mini-skirt? That’s not scary. I live in a naval port. Brian May with his hair in rollers and dressed in a silky nightdress? That’s not scary. That’s just how Brian lives. If I had curly hair I might even do the same. People in cow-patterned leotards stretching with no regard for viewers’ sensibilities? A little odd, but not even mildly distressing when compared to the truly frightening aspect of this Queen video.
Roger Taylor looking good in that schoolgirl outfit? Aiiieee! Night! Terrors!
2. The Reynolds Girls – I’d Rather Jack
It’s a cheesy song with a cheap video and clearly not enough rehearsal time for the dance choreography but it contains some seriously scary elements. Look at the clothing! And that hair! And then factor in that I was studying at Liverpool University not long after this and every day I was there increased the chance that I might bump into one of the sisters and become victim to their wanton jacking. I didn’t want to be jacked. The thought of being jacked by a Reynolds Girl gave me nightmares.
1. Band Aid – Do They Know It’s Christmas
I scream – I literally scream! – whenever this video appears. Whenever I hear a note of this song an icy tremor caresses my spine and a ghostly, taloned paw slashes at my face. There is not a single music video in existence more likely to make me wet my pants in the moment of terror that explodes violently between the video or song starting and me finding the remote control or off switch or skewers to insert into my eardrums. It is the most horrific video ever made, accompanying the most depressing song ever made. I’d rather spend an evening in an asylum for clowns deemed too scary by other clowns, sorting spiders by size, naked, televised to the whole world. I’d even rather jack with the Reynolds Girls, and that’s saying something.
I’m very sorry if you were expecting to see mention of Tool, Aphex Twin, Nine Inch Nails, or Alcazar. If it’s any compensation, Alcazar almost made it.