That only left the spiny shark salesman that I refused to buy a spiny shark from just last week and who then swore that he would get me back somehow while holding up a diagram of me in bed with a spiny shark and a lightning bolt in my leg with "spiny shark poison" written on it. It was just a little too obvious though.
In the absence of puncture marks or part of a spiny shark embedded in my thigh or bed I concluded it was … not a spiny shark.
I know what you’re thinking: wouldn’t a sign of alien abduction cause a pain in the anal passage rather than the thigh?
Usually, I would say – based on much prior experience – that you would be right to think those thoughts but it’s important to remember that there are a great many aliens out there abducting, probing, inseminating, selling space cookies, and recruiting for distant intergalactic war based on success at arcade games (remind me to tell you about the time I helped the giant frog people of Frogoppoloid 4 cross a road and log-filled river to freedom and the not-so-enjoyable foam party they put on afterwards.) Some aliens probe in the traditional manner and others unscrew the belly-button and insert the monitoring insect that way. Some aliens kidnap prominent scientists to ensure our level of technology does not become a threat to galactic alien-probe movie makers while other aliens flash their alien bits at drunken hicks just because they can.
Could it be so difficult to consider that I was plucked from my slumber by a clumsy alien who then walked into me with his fifth beak? Obviously, it was too difficult to consider this a real possibility as the five-beaked aliens are insanely tall and really quite graceful. Clearly, it wasn’t aliens then.
By the time I had contemplated these suspects for my predicament and then discarded each one the pain had gone. Weird.