People often come to this site looking for uncensored passages and chapters from the bible. It’s true. And there’s a reason for that: it’s only here that you’ll find extracts from the one bible that rules them all. Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible is the only bible not to have been rewritten by scholars and whatever religious faction was constructing a Christian history that most closely fit with their present-day goals at the time. The exact reason for this may never be known for certain but some people (maybe just me) have indicated it could be some form of divine protection; evidence – if you will – for an increasingly sceptical world that there is some incredible entity that encompasses all of creation, that caused us to come into being with the power of thought alone, and which sought to end suffering in the world inhabited by His children by overseeing the contradictory compilation of the history of a small and violent region of the world that hadn’t embraced writing yet along with differing accounts of the life of one man by people who didn’t know him, all the while ignoring anything happening anywhere else on the planet safe in the knowledge that the Truth would spread quickly and bring stability and lasting peace to everyone.
That God: what a guy!
But you didn’t come here for a history lesson about the bible. You came here because you want to cast your eyes over more parts of the bible other bibles dare not print. You won’t find these verses in the King James version of the bible. There’s nothing like this sort of information in the Douay-Rheims 1899 American edition of the bible. Young’s Literal Translation hasn’t translated anything you’ll find in these uncensored parts of the bible. New International Version? New? People want the old bible, thank you very much!
So, without further obvious padding, on with some more select parts of Old Wumpard’s Uncensored Bible.
"And it came to pass, when Joshua was by Jericho, that he lifted his eyes and looked, and behold, a Man stood opposite him with His sword drawn in His hand. And Joshua went to Him and said to Him, ‘That’s not a sword. This is a sword.’ But the Man had not seen Crocodile Dundee and didn’t get the reference."
"Now the Angel of the Lord came and sat under the terebinth tree which was in Ophrah, which belonged to Joash the Abiezrite, while his son Gideon threshed wheat in the winepress, in order to hide it from the Midianites. And the Angel of the Lord appeared to him, and said to him, ‘The Lord is with you, you mighty man of valor!’ And Gideon felt uncomfortable for he knew that the Angel of the Lord was flirting with him."
"Then it happened, when he made mention of the ark of God, that Eli fell off the seat backward by the side of the gate; and his neck was broken and he died, for the man was old and heavy. Not to mention clumsy. And his family had a history of brittle bones. This, at least, was the finding of the judge asked to preside in the case of The Family of Eli versus Ebeneezer’s Quality Seats."
"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The earth was without form, and void; and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters. And the Spirit of God said to God, ‘I told you you’d need lessons. This is rubbish.’"
"The priest shall bring it to the altar, wring off its head, and burn it on the altar; its blood shall be drained out at the side of the altar. And he shall remove its crop with its feathers and cast it beside the altar on the east side, into the place for ashes. While it is resting the priest will then start on the potatoes, adding rosemary and salt for flavour, and mashing until smooth. A small side salad with a light vinaigrette dressing; nothing too fancy. Quick and easy, this type of meal goes very well with a fruity red; personally, I quite like a Tempranillo for this."
"Now the days of David drew near that he should die, and he charged Solomon his son, saying: ‘I go the way of all the earth; be strong, therefore, and prove yourself a man. And keep the charge of the Lord your God: to walk in His ways, to keep His statutes, His commandments, His judgments, and His testimonies, as it is written in the Law of Moses, that you may prosper in all that you do and wherever you turn. Oh, and delete my browser history.’"
"Then God said to Solomon: ‘Because this was in your heart, and you have not asked riches or wealth or honor or the life of your enemies, nor have you asked long life – but have asked wisdom and knowledge for yourself, that you may judge My people over whom I have made you king – wisdom and knowledge are granted to you; and I will give you riches and wealth and honor, such as none of the kings have had who were before you, nor shall any after you have the like. But wait, there’s more! You won’t be leaving here tonight on sandals, oh no; take a look at your brand new Toyota chariot! Goat upholstery, three interchangeable musicians, and two tankard holders all come as standard. You’ll love the way it handles rough tracks but not before you come back from your Round The Mediterranean cruise courtesy of Ishmael’s See-The-Sea!’"
"It came to pass in the month of Chislev, in the twentieth year, as I was in Shushan the citadel, that Hanani one of my brethren came with men from Judah; and I asked them concerning the Jews who had escaped, who had survived the captivity, and concerning Jerusalem. And they said to me, ‘Forget that! Have you heard? They’re dropping Chislev from the calendar, adding a week to April and May, and bringing them together! It’s an outrage!’"
"Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the Lord, and Satan came also among them to present himself before the Lord. And the Lord said to Satan, ‘From where do you come?’
Satan answered the Lord and said, ‘I thought you knew everything. Ooh, I’m the Lord! Ooh, I’m omniscient!‘
‘Stop that!’ said the Lord."
"These are the commandments which the Lord commanded Moses for the children of Israel on Mount Sinai. No, just kidding. Leave this chapter out of the finished book."
"Thus the Lord said to me: ‘Go and get yourself a linen sash, and put it around your waist, but do not put it in water.’ So I got a sash according to the word of the Lord, and put it around my waist.
And the word of the Lord came to me the second time, saying, ‘Take the sash that you acquired, which is around your waist, and arise, go to the Euphrates, and hide it there in a hole in the rock. So I went and hid it by the Euphrates, as the Lord commanded me.
Now it came to pass after many days that the Lord said to me, ‘Arise, go to the Euphrates, and take from there the sash which I commanded you to hide there.’ Then I went to the Euphrates and dug, and I took the sash from the place where I had hidden it; and there was the sash, ruined. It was profitable for nothing.
It was at this point that I first suspected that the Lord didn’t have a clue when it came to project management."