Today’s reading comes from the book of Pachydermia, Chapter 4.
1We are in the last days before The Time Of Many Elephants.
2You will know the eve of the day from the clouds in the sky and the grass on the ground. Both will take on a bit of a grey tinge. 3Look then unto the north and cup your hands behind your ears so that you may better hear the approaching horde. Also, so that you may resemble their holy shape and be spared the crush from their immaculate mass.
4But shun the disbelievers and the doubters. 5In The Time Of Many Elephants disbelievers and doubters will have their disbeliefs and doubts flattened to squelchy, red, messy stains. And they will require bleach to remove. But you don’t have time to bleach their infidel marks. 6Hark not to their cries that two elephants do not constitute many elephants at all. 7Your memory is your weapon. 8Like the mighty elephant, never forget the words of the prophet Babar for did he not say unto the Incredulous that it is better to be trampled by no elephants than one and that one elephant, therefore, is one too many? 9What say you then to the number two if it is not one more than one? Surely it is many more than zero, where zero is the number accorded to no elephants at all! 10Rejoice for The Time Of Many Elephants is at hand!
11If you are righteous then you will prepare the path ahead of the Many Elephants. 12Gather to you as if your life depended upon it all the peanuts you can find. And your life surely depends upon it. 13Scatter to the grey-tinged grass the food of the Many Elephants and lead the way from the north to the south and to the sea. But look out! for Evil will always try to stop Good. 14Hunt down the terrifying mice that would pause not one second before scaring the crap out of The Many Elephants. Mice are grey and the ground is grey-tinged and the challenge is mighty but only the mighty challenges are worth attempting. 15Hard is the path to Salvation when The Time Of Many Elephants comes around.
16Listen to the trumpet blasts and praise The Many Elephants! They approach! 17But they will need passage across the sea to the south. 18Book two tickets on the hovercraft but pack nothing else for The Many Elephants will be carrying their own trunks. 19Laugh out loud and praise be to The Many Elephants for that corny joke!
20The Time Of Many Elephants will soon be upon you. 21The ground will shake and the air will fill with such noises as to make even the most calm of man a touch perturbed. But The Time Of Many Elephants is short and time will pass. 22The chaos will settle and the path of peanut shells will rot to nothing and the mice will seek out non-elephant-related activities with which to pass the time and the doubters and disbelievers will doubt and disbelieve that they really just saw Many Elephants boarding a hovercraft and setting off across the sea and calm will come again. 23For this is the way of things.