Just this week plans were put in place to think about possibly floating the idea that, conceivably, it might be a good thing if, perhaps, the United Kingdom had a border force. The new border force – should such a force come into being if it is deemed worthwhile (and if they can afford it) by the government – would work with the existing Border Agency, the nonexistent Border Demon, a handful of Border Collies, a legion of private school boarders, and a kicking rad snowboarder to keep the UK’s borders free from the terrifying threat of terror. The possibility of this border force is in response to a report by our very own independent reviewer of UK terrorism legislation, the one, the only, let’s give a big hand to your friend and mine, it’s Lord Carlile.
In the recently released report Lord Carlile warned about the anxiety of senior police officers at the potential use of light aviation in acts of terrorism and he highlighted the possibility that terrorists could hijack executive or private jets or use any of the growing number of small airfields across the continent from which to strike eternal and terrifying doom upon us all.
I don’t know about you, but I’m terrified. It’s not just at the thought of seeing the giant aircraft-catching nets being deployed by the soon-to-be, all-new Wonder Border Force Squad Team. No, the real terror comes not from the genuine concern that every time I look into the sky and see contrails I might need to leap for safety down my Anti-Terror Oubliette, but rather from the fact that … gulp … taxpayers (taxpayers such as me, for example) are paying Lord Carlile to state the bloody obvious.
Terrorists might use planes to cause terror. Really? You really think that, your Worthlessnessship? Thanks for adding that to your annual report. Take all morning to come up with that threat assessment, did it?
The government’s reaction of considering the possibility of a border force is, therefore, hardly surprising given Lord Carlile’s rather predictable and rather disappointing, imagination-wise, report. In an age when the country needs three hundred feet tall, chrome, semi-sentient guardian towers erected in the centre of every city looking down upon the citizens and dispensing instant laser justice to any miscreants or dusky, bearded folk with shifty eyes Lord Carlile’s report needed to pack punch, pow, and pizzazz and, clearly, it did none of these things.
I am here to help.
Dear Lord Carlile, permission is hereby granted for you to reproduce the following new and exciting terrifying threats of terror in next year’s What You Should Be Scared Of This Time by Lord Carlile, Aged 61 (And A Quarter). Use them wisely, your Lordshipiness.
When people think of British cuisine they either retch a little or they think of fish and chips, Sunday roasts, pie and mash, or crisp sandwiches. It may have a bad reputation worldwide but by gum it tastes good. But what if the UK’s potato supply was to become tainted? They say that society is only four meals away from anarchy and without the humble spud Britain would test that theory rather swiftly. Do we have safeguards in place to prevent fundamentalist terrorists from getting jobs as potato pickers and inserting razor blades into random spuds? Do you really think the entire country could turn to pasta in a crisis?
It’s important for members of society to be vigilant and keep an eye out for terrorists acting terroristy in designated terrorist-free zones. And yet, for one group of people in the UK, keeping an eye out is both impossible and probably falls foul of political correctness. I’m talking about the blind, of course. Should a terrorist replace the legs of the blind person’s guide dog with sticks of dynamite how is the blind individual to know? Stores that refuse entry to dogs except for seeing eye dogs could now be at risk of losing their displays of Christmas Cards in a canine inferno. The havoc following an exploding guide dog cannot be overstated; the possibility of scraping dog parts off walls is not something a British person should ever have to face.
The terrorist that enters Britain to do his evil deed of terror must, of necessity, hide from the public glare. People are cautious and suspicious of anything unusual and trust was sold off by the government long ago. A stranger plotting deathly nuisance must be secretive lest the police turn up and politely ask him not to do anything naughty. Yet we live in a society that has developed a cloak of invisibility among crowds; a method by which eye contact is always avoided and everyone goes out of their way to avoid the hidden person without realising it. Clipboards exude an aura of avoidance around anyone and provide a major risk with respect to allowing terrorists to roam freely. They must be banned, and those who survey the innocent in the street must be locked away for good. For the sake of everyone.
This time next year I want my instant laser justice.