The Spider Conspiracy

PhobiaI am an arachnophobe.

My other half is an arachnophobe.

We are arachnophobes.

This means we are frequently paralysed with fear when spiders intrude into our lives.

And they intrude a lot.

We would like to be rid of spiders.

We accept that there is a possibility of Aargh! Too Many Flies Syndrome exploding across the face of the planet but we welcome that and are prepared to cross that bridge when it comes to pass. Armed with a big swat.

We have ventured into garden centres and examined the shelves along the aisles. You can buy:

  • fly killer,
  • slug killer,
  • ant killer,
  • cockroach killer,
  • rodent poison,
  • anti-toad turrets,
  • Butterfly-B-Gone commandable toxic clouds,
  • portable snail oubliettes,
  • Quicksand-4-Beetles spray.

There is nothing to get rid of spiders.

Let me clarify: there is not a single thing in any stores we visit that will attack the one thing more people are afraid of than anything else on the entire planet.

It is a conspiracy. The spiders are pulling the webs that bind us all behind the scenes.

"Ooh! But, but, but Mark, how can you be scared of something so tiny?"

That’s a good question, and while I ponder on an appropriate answer please lick this petri dish of ebola viruses, which, incidentally, don’t have eight eyes or fangs.

"Ooh! But, but, but, but Mark, spiders are more scared of you than you are of them!"

Really? Picture this:

I’m wandering around and suddenly see a vast building towering into the clouds clearly made by non-humans. Wow! I venture inside. The interior is strange, alien but it is as nothing compared to the inhabitant. He is huge, hundreds of feet high, a monster. He has eight legs; huge, long, hairy things. And a bulbous body with eyes – eight of them! – arranged at the front. Beneath is the mouth; a terrifying orifice from which protrude great, fearsome fangs.

I know! I’ll run across the floor at him!

Spiders are not more scared of me than I am of them. They are vicious, nasty, scary thingies. The myth of their supposed timid state is being perpetuated by those in league with the spider overlords.

Why are there so many arachnophobes in the world? Are nurses instructed to terrorise newly born babies with spiders for control purposes? Or is there some species memory at work here? And why wouldn’t my cat defend me the other night while I was watching Die Hard 2 for the hundredth time? Was I just the wrong man in the wrong place at the wrong time? How do spiders too large to fit through any gaps in the woodwork suddenly appear in a room? Have they mastered teleportation?

The conspirators know the answers. I know how to cry and curl up into a foetal ball.

Author: Mark

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16 Comments

  1. Spiders are cool and they are my friends. At least that is what the alien voices inside of my head tell me. 😉

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  2. Okay … OleBlue added to Enemies Of Arachnophobes list. Straitjacket on backorder.

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  3. I should NOT have read this right before nap time. Dammit.

    Death to the spiders!!

    And you can borrow my straitjacket, if you like.

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  4. One ran under my bed the other day. I did that ‘freeze’ thing when your mind takes in what it’s seeing and attempts to process the best way out. Whilst i was in a catatonic shocked state it legged it under the bed. This would always be a bad thing. Aint like i’m going in after it, but unfortunately for me I sleep on a futon and therefore am inches away from said evil arachnid.
    Joy.

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  5. Ruggy – A girl with her own straitjacket; what man could resist?

    Lisa – Of course!

    DD – In your situation I’d burn the futon. Then the room. Then drop a daisy-cutter on the street.

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  6. That picture makes me want to pet it.

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  7. Don’t sleep with your mouth open.

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  8. I will not go into how many bugs and spiders we eat in a year while we sleep because a do not wish to get banned and straight jacketed. 😉

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  9. if you’re afraid of spiders, does that automatically make you afraid of spider monkeys as well?

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  10. omg spiders are definatly out to get us! i had one in my room hte other night. so i went downstairs and slept on the couch. AND WHEN I WOKE UP…I HAD A HUGE SPIDER BITE ON MY ARM! THAT MEANS THE SPIDER LEFT MY ROOM AND CRAWLED ALL THE WAY DOWNSTAIRS TO FEAST ON MY BLOOD! AHHHHH!

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  11. Don’t panic! It doesn’t necessarily mean that the spider followed you downstairs during the night at all. It’s far more likely that there is simply another nest of arachnids down the back of your couch. I hope that helps ease some of the fear.

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  12. I have a theory! -One moment.. *slams big boulder on Black Widow over and over and over*- In my house.. I have alot of spiders they just keep coming out of the woodwork! But I have noticed that they don’t go anywhere near my microwave which I keep open as a ghetto nightlight for the kitchen… So.. I propose we build a HUGE microwave and live in it! … No? I know you want to…

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  13. Hedge apples will keep spiders out of your home. If you put them around the outside of your home close to the walls it will repell them. Oh and hair spray will killa spider too (aquanet is the best). I prefer my trusty golf club though lol.

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  14. Finally! Another person who believes that spiders are out to get us! I am not scared that they are going to hurt me – just scared that they will crawl on me, which they often do! Many years ago, when I was babysitting some kids for a month, a huge spider terrorised me all night and literally followed me round the house – from the bedroom, downstairs to the lounge where it crawled over my FACE and then eventually the next morning, into the kitchen. I have never really been able to deal with them after this….get that blood goes cold feeling, heart pounding, etc. Maybe they are trying to give me secret messages or something and I just get the wrong idea? I can’t just be paranoid…time will tell.

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