Over three hundred years ago God finished rolling the Earth from a ball of plasticine. He celebrated like only He could with a galaxy-sized vat of space wine laced with antifreeze. I don’t need to tell you that antifreeze on a deity’s empty stomach is just asking for trouble and lo! it came to pass that God up-chucked humans all over the planet. The space wine was primarily Chardonnay, otherwise known as "the ham-tasting grape", and thus humans were blessed with being omnivores, consumers of animals, vegetables, fungi, and minerals, and, sometimes, Marmite which I’m pretty sure is a portal into a yeast dimension manifesting itself as evil in a jar.
Which would all be fine but the price of meat is rising and damn it all to heck but that’s just not right! Why is it rising? Let me explain:
- the shops sell meat to us at a profit,
- the shops buy meat from meat farmers,
- the meat farmers sell meat to the shops at a profit,
- the meat farmers buy wheat for their meat to eat before they sell it to the shops for a profit,
- the meat farmers buy wheat from wheat farmers, who are primarily in the US,
- the wheat farmers sell the wheat to meat farmers at a profit,
- the wheat farmers have collectively decided they want to be astronauts instead and have raised prices dramatically to fund their NASA training.
That’s good news for wheat farmers but bad news for the people at the end of the chain: omnivorous humans.
What can we do?
Genetic engineering has come a long way in the past few years. What was once firmly ensconced in the realms of science fiction is now reality. Scientists already know how to alter genes and make people glow in the dark or squirt a fine mist of vanilla-scented laughing gas when scratched behind the nostrils and it is child’s play indeed to adjust the biological makeup of Earth’s cattle to remove the need for wheat in their diet.
An obvious alternative is to introduce chlorophyll into bovine skin allowing it to absorb energy from the sun in the red and blue wavelengths, fattening it up without fattening the wallet of the wheat-farming space-dreamers.
- Cattle will no longer require four stomachs freeing up valuable room for more meat.
- Methane production will plummet worldwide making the Earth less flammable.
- The green colouring of cows will make them harder to spot in fields, increasing the danger of one sneaking up on you.
- Cows may be inately drawn to follow the path of the sun across the sky during the day necessitating prescription sunglasses for each one to avoid debilitating eye defects.
- Oxygen production will rise dramatically worldwide making the Earth more flammable.
Eat Gluten-Intolerant People
As luck would have it there are plenty of meat sources that won’t be affected by rising wheat prices. Whales and dolphins traditionally forego cereal crops and toast in favour of croissants and freshly squeezed orange juice; they’re so continental. And, of course, elephants only ever eat lions making them unsusceptible to the out-of-this-world vision of US farmers too.
However, people generally like whales, dolphins, and elephants whereas gluten-intolerant humans are the lowest forms of life around. Nature has cursed them with an inability to consume bread and most beer. That’s a death sentence if you’re Irish and it’s damned hard to cope with anywhere else in the world as well.
- It’s what Mother Nature wants. After the gluten-intolerant are finished off we can start on peanut allergy sufferers.
- There’s a good chance you’ll sweep up a few vegans and vegetarians too which may go towards your five-a-day for healthy eating.
- Gluten-free diets are high in starch leading to chewy people.