The Philadelphia Experiment (2012)

Live commentary.

Remember people: this is based on actual events. Really. I swear. Actually happened. With a little poetic licence. Mostly around the facts and the story and the people. Otherwise it’s all pretty close to the actual events that actually happened.

An experiment in modern day. The sort of experiment that sees people wheel a car in and immediately start pressing buttons to make it turn invisible. I’m no experimental expert but I don’t think that’s the way an accredited laboratory would do things. At least they’re not taking safety for granted; everyone’s got a pair of shades.

Teslas! Of course! If it can just get up to about 40 teslas then that should make it disappear. And it has! That’s real science there. Good stuff movie.

Oh, it’s Maybourne from Stargate SG-1. An actual recognisable actor. Excellent.

A modern diner and a hacker waitress. Naturally.

Hacker waitress using laptop's Kinect sensor to hack into the database of sizeisimportantdating.com and set her preferences.

Hacker waitress using laptop’s Kinect sensor to hack into the database of sizeisimportantdating.com and set her preferences.

So, we’ve got a ship from the past now in the present and it’s got lots of glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects all over it and people trapped in carbonite on it, plus one sailor with chewing gum on the bottom of his shoes. And what do the sailor from the past and the sheriff from the present do? Touch the glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects. Why? Training people! Who is training these people? You never touch glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects!

The ship’s vanished and Maybourne’s gone too!

Past sailor is now wandering around present town. Everything is strange! At least punks aren’t roller-skating past while listening to walkmans. Loud cars! A newspaper stand. It’s 2012!

A modern diner again and the past sailor is there asking for Joe. Who’s Joe and why does he want a cup of him? He’s now asking for actual people and not coffee and there may be a descendant of one who’s not there now. He wants to pay for coffee but hasn’t allowed for inflation. Come on time travellers! You’ve got to allow for inflation!

Hacker waitress now being told by other waitress that past sailor asked about grandmother. More importantly: hacker waitress answered the phone while driving. That’s dangerous. Don’t do that. Okay?

Teslas! Effects! Sailor is in pain, bins fall over, cats and dogs living together.

Downtown Chicago. Okay, now that was seriously quite cool. A ship appeared in mid air and crashed onto a skyscraper. A seriously quite cool part in the movie. I wasn’t actually expecting that. Of course, loads of people probably died and this will start a new government-santioned war against navies and the republican party will use the memory of this ship appearing to enact sanctions against black people and arm children but let’s gloss over all that.

Present sheriff may be kinda stuck in the ship. Literally. If he ever gets free – and the fact he’s not dead instantly makes me think he might – then he’s going to have the pins and needles of a lifetime in that arm.

Past sailor has now committed a home invasion offence in hacker waitress’s house and found a scrapbook about his ship’s disappearance 70 years earlier. Hacker waitress favours gun control so doesn’t shoot sailor, instead favouring waving a broom and accepting his story about time travel inside three seconds. Scepticism! Not present in waitresses!

Special effects-laden ship in building unsurprisingly on the news.

“Scientists” now working out what happened by using the power of the whiteboard and some American Football plays apparently. The USS Eldridge was pulled through time! Also: never trust a bearded scientist. Or a bearded anyone for that matter.

Past sailor may be flirting with hacker waitress. This is as uncomfortable as you imagine. Or I’m reading the body language wrong. Aren’t they related? Or are they? If he was her grandfather in the past but he’s no longer in the past and is in a future that branched off before he fathered the hacker waitress’s mother then while they share genetic material and should never procreate to avoid mutants (although: sequel!) could they still get it on safe in the knowledge that if he doesn’t go back in time she’s a paradox anyway and it’s okay to sex a paradox up? That’s a question for temporal mechanics philosophers everywhere.

A government man now wants to speak to hacker waitress. Is it time travel-related or hacker waitress-related? The tension! Wait… he’s quite creepy for a government man. He’s not a government man! He’s just been beaten up by a past sailor and a hacker waitress so he may be a government man after all.

The diner! They’re clearing out the tills to go on the run because the evil government man will probably come after them after he escapes from his not being tied up at all and left to come around on his own.

Meanwhile, troops in Chicago have taken about 18 hours to climb the stairs towards the ship but the teslas are rising! Scientist leading evil woman (every science lab needs one) ignores warnings to ensure her troops (I missed the part where they explain why she has troops; I’m sure it’s plausible or something; I imagine she must be part of an evil wing of the government; they probably mentioned it but I was typing) keep advancing towards the ship before the teslas reach the tesla time and space jumping threshold or something.

Evil government man is in the diner and looking at CCTV after pointing gun at other waitress who helped hacker waitress and past sailor. Teslas rising. Trooper vanishes near ship. Past sailor is in pain. It’s very hectic. Effects! Ship vanishes, as do many, many people looking on. Stuck sheriff shouts. Again: I’m trying to convey the hecticness here. Hectic!

Would you touch this? I wouldn't touch this and I've touched some pretty awful things in my time. So why do people keep touching this? Stop touching it!

Would you touch this? I wouldn’t touch this and I’ve touched some pretty awful things in my time. So why do people keep touching this? Stop touching it!

Malcolm McDowell! Is the Nexus involved? So, he was one of the originating scientists and the government tried to restart his failed experiment 20 years ago but he faked his death to take the secrets of his experiment to the grave which clearly didn’t work. And scientist leading evil woman wants to kill everyone which is making bearded scientist a little uncomfortable. Perhaps he’s new to beard-wearing.

Malcolm is paranoid about being tracked and lives on an island accessible only by boat. If anyone is spotting similarities to War Games here then, well, so am I.

Teslas! Bad stuff in the lab.

Quantum link! Past sailor needs to get back on the ship to shut down something. Past sailor is now driving modern cars and avoiding getting shot so maybe it’s not an island at all. I don’t know. It’s difficult to type and pay attention to this. So, advanced driving for past sailors is included but nothing about not touching glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects? That’s a major plot point fail right there. The first in this film I’ll warrant.

Baddie vehicle explodified by booby trap. But evil government man jumped out at the last minute. He’s been watching a lot of old black-and-white serials from the 1950s I think. Malcolm’s dead! Well, that was short and sweet.

Everyone’s waiting for the ship to reappear. Hacker waitress and past sailor trying to cross a bridge but there’s a checkpoint. Jets flying around waiting to blow things up. We’ve gone from hectic to tense. Oh no! Past sailor pain! Effects coming up methinks. A car on the bridge explodes thanks to past sailor. I don’t imagine destroyed by time traveller is covered on the insurance. Meanwhile, jets bomb the ship which has reappeared in the desert; they bomb it from eight feet away to be sure and the ship’s shield ends up protecting it, killing them, and then causing it to disappear and reappear in the water cooling towers of a power plant somewhere which then explodes in a manner that can be seen from space. There’s a lot of stuff blowing up in this movie. A lesson to all of us to be careful when transporting military things through quantum links and whatnot.

Past sailor has a time forcefield too and is protected when evil government man and others try to shoot him. Hacker waitress doesn’t, though, so she’s wounded in the leg. Past sailor offers to go with evil government man if hacker waitress is let go. I don’t imagine evil government man will agree to this. He won’t. At least he’s consistently evil. Tries to kill past sailor again. Fails again. Didn’t he see the quantum force field thing? I did. It had effects and everything.

Hey! Bearded scientist is helping them! It must be a fake beard to allow him to work in evil laboratories. Of course! And now they’ve got a plan. Use the quantum link phase generator time travel hidey widey tesla inducermatrons to bring the ship to them, get him on it, close the loop. It’s so simple a non-scientist like me can understand it too.

But scientist leading evil woman may have other plans. She wants the experiment to continue to run. She’s probably a project manager and gets a performance-related pay bonus. When you encourage people to be evil with monetary rewards you endanger the planet. Something to bear in mind.

Teslas! Possibility of a T-1000 coming through from the future seems quite high right now. Past sailor pain, as you’d expect. I wonder if they’ll get their car back. Was it an Audi? If so then it’s probably good that it disappeared. One less arsehole Audi driver in the world is a good thing. The ship is now in the lab, complete with glowing, flashing, pulsing blue special effects. Past sailor and hacker waitress share a hug even though her sheriff boyfriend may be stuck in the ship somewhere and time is of the essence. Time! Do you see what I did there?

Scientist leading evil woman and evil government man turn up. That’s what happens when you waste time hugging. Past sailor is back on the ship; bad scientists are trying to stop the program or something but bearded scientist is trying to explain how everything will be destroyed if they don’t shut down the experiment on the ship and in the laboratory. Bearded scientist has been shot. Guns are very dangerous. That’s what I’m taking away from this film. That and time travel. If the program is stopped then the very fabric of space and time will be altered. But if they send the ship back it won’t. Even though that means that history will have been to be did change (conjugated time travel tense of the verb “to confuse”).

Young fool. Only now, at the end, do you understand. Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side! You have paid the price for your lack of vision!

Young fool. Only now, at the end, do you understand. Your feeble skills are no match for the power of the Dark Side! You have paid the price for your lack of vision!

Past sailor has unstickimified the sheriff using tesla time power. I imagine the sheriff is smelling quite rank right now. Did he pee himself? How is his breath? Nobody mentions the smell. Politeness knows no bounds of time. Evil government man is fighting past sailor using fists. He’s learnt how dangerous guns are. Scientist leading evil woman has now been shot by hacker waitress. So much for her stance on gun control and her broom then. This lab needs more gunshot-wounded people in it. Hacker waitress’s leg wound has healed sufficiently to allow her to run to the ship. The power of plasters!

Teslas! Evil government man has now been melted into the ship by past sailor. The sheriff’s off the ship and in the arms of his hacker waitress girldfriend. The ship is going into special effects overload. A vortex appears in the sky. A stealth craft flies around for some reason. Things are happening in a way that says “the film is nearly over” more clearly than looking at the clock. The ship is being pulled into the vortex and the past sailor is in pain, said pain expressed in terms of screaming.

The timeline has been altered! Hacker waitress and sheriff got married. Past sailor lived to a ripe old age.

The end.

Author: Mark

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