Some people love them; the joy of finding food long since forgotten, the thrill of wondering what that smell is under your nose, the orgasmic experience that comes with constant scratching. If you’ve just committed a crime with a beard then you can change your look in an instant with a shave! It’s not so easy the other way around unless entropy is having an off day.
For most people, however, beards are an abomination that needs to be culled. Real women like their men to be smooth of face and real men prefer their women the same way. The down-below area is a special bonus for birthdays!
You’d think we’d all know how to shave properly after over sixty years of evolution but the sad fact of the matter is that there are so many options out there and so much conflicting advice confusing our battered minds it’s a miracle of nature that blood loss and infections haven’t done for half the world’s male population.
Never fear! The neOnbubble guide to The Perfect Shave is here!
Forget about commercial products here. Shaving creams and gels are typically made from the boiled-down carcasses of squirrels. Although this lathers well and raises hairs from the skin (squirrel magic!) making it easier to shave them, the downside is that nut allergies are on the rise leading to higher and higher rates of young men with inflated red heads taking up valuable space in accident and emergency rooms.
Did you know you can make your own shaving cream from household goods? You do now! Not only is this cheaper than spending thousands of pounds a year on cream in a can but it’s also better for the environment (not Earth’s) and better for your skin.
Using a pencil, grind three whole peppers – each of a different colour and weight – into a mixing bowl no larger than your left hand. Add two scoops of solidified vinegar – the solidifiedier the better! Now pour in all the little bits of cereal in the bottom of a box, whisking the mixture with a whisk made from cats’ whiskers until your bowl’s contents reach the consistency of elbow skin. Cook slowly on a hob until bubbles form and then gulp everything down in one go. What comes back up goes on your face! Hypoallergenic!
Most men simply slap shaving cream onto their faces and work it into a lather. Others prefer to have their butler blow it gently into a froth before applying it to the visage with a toothpick. But those who use shaving brushes swear by them, and with good reason! Butlers are expensive!
There are different types of shaving brush on the market. My advice is to steer clear of the ones made from leopard eyebrows; these are usually substandard panther eyebrows. For the smoothest application of cream I always recommend brushes of the finest quality coelacanth innards. Once you’ve had coelacanth innards on your face you never go back!
One blade, two blade, three blades, four blades, five blades? I know what you’re thinking: just how many freaking blades does it take to give you the perfect shave? The answer: seventeen blades.
As no manufacturer produces razors with seventeen blades yet you will need to be a little inventive and strap together razors until you reach the requisite number. A Gillette Mach 3, a Fusion, a Wilkinson Quattro, another Mach 3, and two Bic disposables tied to one another with elastic bands is the way I shave and I thoroughly recommend it.
The Shaving Technique
You can’t have the perfect shave in thirty seconds over a basin with the cold tap running. Einstein proved this on a napkin although it was overshadowed by some other crackpot ideas he extolled while drunk.
1. Start by getting your facial skin nice and soft. Antagonising an Irishman will do the trick but the same effect can be achieved with a three hour shower. Steam and punches open up the pores, and beard hairs – afraid of falling in them – will stand and stretch upright in response. After your wash or beating you will need to start shaving very soon lest the beard hairs faint with exertion and lay down against your face.
2. Make sure your homemade shaving cream is applied evenly with your coelacanth innards brush by checking the depth of the lather with a titanium-coated depth micrometer.
3. The seventeen-bladed razor is unwieldy so keep it held still in a vice and move your face instead. In addition to a shave this technique also imparts a small cardiovascular workout. Healthy!
4. Shave in one direction only. Choose this direction by rolling a twelve-sided die. The number on the die represents which dimension to use. Roll a four and travel back to before your beard started growing, otherwise you’ll need to flip your neOnbubble Guide To Interdimensional Topography For Barbers booklet (available on request) to the correct page and proceed as instructed.
5. After the shave remove any excess foam with a fan. Rinse the face with freshly-squeezed lemon juice to help identify any nicks in the skin too small to bleed and seal these points of possible infection with plumbers mait. Waterproof in under a minute!
6. Pat your face dry – don’t scrape with a spatula! – and finally apply some moisturiser and after shave. Something other than Joop. That’s eye-watering.
Enjoy your perfect shave!