The Kidney Stone Diet
21 Jan 2008 12:08 by Mark
I lost TWO POUNDS!!! In weight!!! In just ONE DAY!!!What's my secret?!!?!
Stones! Of the kidney variety!
Yes! It's true!
I lost two pounds in weight in just one day thanks to the miracle Get Kidney Stones And Spend All Night On The Bathroom Floor In The Most Incredible Agony Ever Occasionally Throwing Up With The Pain Wishing You Could Pass Out Just To Get Some Relief Diet!
And you can too!
From the people who brought you:
- The Taper Off With A Tapeworm Plan,
- Slimming With Sharks, and
- Poo Yourself Sexy
The Get Kidney Stones And Spend All Night On The Bathroom Floor In The Most Incredible Agony Ever Occasionally Throwing Up With The Pain Wishing You Could Pass Out Just To Get Some Relief Diet! is the only diet that guarantees:
- Time off work! High-fibre dieters probably should avoid work too but that's just a personal preference.
- Effortless weight loss! Yes, the pounds will ooze off your body while you try to lie as perfectly still as the scream-inducing spasms will permit!
- Sympathy for creationists! Bless their retarded hearts for worshipping an omnipotent, omniscient ghost who apparently came up with internal organs that clog with grit on purpose!
- Muscle-toning while you slim! Specifically: the sphincter muscles. More specifically: when you receive pain relief in hospital. Not specific enough? It's not taken by mouth, okay?
But don't just take my word for it! Take other really genuine people's words for it too!
"Every tear I shed took salty weight with it too!"
Leonard Herb, Newcastle
"The paramedic touched my stomach! I usually pay for that kind of thing!"
Jeremy Brown-Shoes, Harlow
"I really must paint the ceiling."
Percival Lacklustre, Swansea
"Better than jazzercise on every level!"
Henry Hehehenryson, Coventry
"And gay men do that for fun?"
Anthony Q. Dandelion, Bolton
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If you can't really stomach Calgon (and it is an acquired taste), then try clamping a large permanent magnet around your neck. Unfortunately, this form of water softening treatment hasn't been scientifically proven to work and you will look slightly ridiculous (although less so if you disguise the apparatus with a stylish Shakespearean neck ruff).
*Stupid people should not try this at home.
I keep passing soft brown stones from my anus. I went to see the doctor and she was outraged. I guess I shouldn't have passed one on her lap as an example.