The Alternative Vote

We’ve got the chance to alter the way in which we vote in this country; this country being Englandland. On May 5th we get to pick between First Past The Post – the current system where whoever gets the most votes wins – or the Alternative Vote – where the person who best represents the majority of his or her constituents rather than simply has the largest single group of like-minded individuals wins.

Some people will tell you that A.V. – the Alternative Vote – is a better system because it’s fairer; but it’s not. It’s, well, an alternative system with just an alternative measurement of determining fairness.

Some people will tell you that A.V. is a worse system because it’s complicated; but it’s not. And they’re stupid. Really, really, mind-blowingly stupid. Technically vegetables level of stupid. And not the smart vegetables like cauliflowers, either; turnips.

Some people will tell you that the Alternative Vote will be more costly because it will take longer to tally up the votes; they’re right. But the cost as a percentage will be very small. And the cost amongst all the other things in the country that money gets wasted on – like campaigning against changing the voting system – will be tiny. Pocket change. Do you want to vote in a Marks and Spencer Democracy or a Poundland Bargain Democracy?

Some people will say that First Past The Post makes your penis grow; but it does the opposite. Seven studies have confirmed this.

Some people will tell you that even the people who want A.V. don’t really want A.V.; they’re right. But these are the same people who wouldn’t let the people who don’t want A.V. to have anything other than A.V. so that’s a really dreadful argument concocted by bullies. Nobody likes bullies. You don’t like bullies. If you say you like bullies I’ll beat you up. And you’ll like it.

Some people will tell you to write ‘STV’ on your ballot form and tick that instead; these people are imbeciles who shouldn’t be allowed to vote at all. And they’re being used by the people who are very happy with the status quo and keen to dilute any opposition. Don’t do this, you retarded turnip.

Some people will say that A.V. would be like being first in a rowing race and then losing out thanks to marks awarded to other teams; they’re morons because that’s comparing apples to oranges. It would be much more like finishing first in the floor exercise but doing less well in the asymmetric bars and vault and thusly not winning the overall gold medal in the gymnastics because you didn’t fucking deserve it. James Cracknell: I’m looking at you, you tit.

Some people will say that all the polls have suggested that the No2AV vote will win and so there’s no point voting; if you were thinking of voting No to the Alternative Vote then, sure, this is exactly right so stay at home. Believe me. I am believable.

Vote Yes

I shall be voting YES to the Alternative Voting system because:

  • the Alternative Vote will annoy the Conservatives;
  • it will annoy Labour;
  • it will annoy some of the Liberal Democrats;
  • it will cause some MPs to work harder for the people they represent;
  • it will cause those MPs who don’t work hard or who don’t compromise to lose their overpaid jobs;
  • it will reduce voting among the people who can’t count which will make The Sun’s effectiveness as a propaganda piece reduced by 90% in one fell swoop.

Author: Mark

Share This Post On

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *