I had this great article lined up – you’d have loved it – with bears and dragons and an inflatable Jay Leno doll (with realistic chin) and a protagonist called Herbert Mumpscarrier, and I told my friend about it and my friend was like all "Wow!" and he said that it’d be a great article and I should write it and I said I would and we, like, totally thought it would be cool, and then my friend said he was going to lie in bed until I’d finished it because there was just no way that anything in the world would stop him from reading this article, especially now that there was going to be an underwater bit with Daryl Hannah reprising her role from Mermaid only with a trident and she’d be out for revenge on Tom Hanks for having a good career which is so what she’s like my other friend says, and so my first friend got into his bed – which isn’t in my house because I’m not a gay like you, you gay – and he was like really, really excited about the article and I said he’d have to wait just a bit because the engineer from NTL who are the people who supply my cable TV and broadband was coming around to upgrade me to a 2MB line and that would make the article even faster and I could include the dream sequence where Herbert sees actor Kier Dullea from 2001 bodypopping in his kitchen and that’s how he invents the cabbage, and my friend was so, like, wow! groovy! and his legs couldn’t keep still under the blanket from excitement he said and I had to go and wait for the NTL man and then he turned up and …
Seven days later I have my TV and lovely-jubbly fast broadband back and working.
Seven days. Nine phonecalls. Ten customer service people. Four different excuses. Four promised callbacks. One actual callback. One screaming, crying girlfriend. One accusation of not treating a customer service agent like a human being. One hanging-up on a customer service agent. Three messages left on phone, one from Managing Director of NTL, Alan Grant. Two hours in total on phone listening to the same hold music over and over and over again. Doo-doo doo doo-de-doo dur-dur-dur de-de, doo-doo doo …
I have been aided in the past week with my troubles. Administrator Nemesis from cableforum.co.uk was able to act as a go-between in escalating my problem up to MD-level. If you have a problem with NTL, if no-one else can help you, and if you can find them, then maybe you can hire … Cableforum!
I’ve already thanked Nemesis but there’s someone else I haven’t yet and now’s as good a time as any; earlier this week when my coffee needed stirring I was able to find a spoon. I used that spoon to stir my coffee. That spoon did a sterling job and I’d like to say a big thankyou to the spoon in question. Spoon, thankyou. When NTL customer service was unable to sort out a simple little problem it was nice to know that I could still rely on an inanimate object.
So, I should soon be back to my posting best. I know that’s not much to look forward to but that’s your lot.
In sadder news my friend has died from bedsores and over-excitement. Out of respect I will not be putting up the planned article.