It’s very nearly almost Thanksgiving Day in Americaland and – although I’m neither American nor do I have any American blood in me nor do I harbour any urge to venture across the briny sea to America – I do like to join in just a little bit with the celebration involving the merest hint of giving thanks wrapped in a giant pastry of alcohol-consumption and watching some NFL.
It’s easy to mock Americans from afar – it’s really, really easy actually – but it takes a big man to say "Now, whoa there horsey! Those yanks might be loud and arrogant and often obnoxious and behind many of the world’s problems but they’ve also given us quiet, contemplative, superior, more-intelligent, better-looking people some good stuff too!"
It just so happens that I’m a big man. Where it counts. Yeah, you know what I’m saying. Massive cranium and ego. Off. The. Scale. Also, I’m overweight with an average-sized penis.
But enough about overweight people with average-sized genitalia! We’re here to talk about Americans and Thanksgiving Day. I’m not just thankful that they’re (mostly) all over there. Here’s what I also like about America and Americans:
- American Football · a masterpiece of sporting creation which deserves a place in everyone’s personal Sports Hall Of Fame alongside the yet-to-be-invented Bungee Fencing and Roller Darts. Thanks for gridiron America.
- Mystery Science Theater 3000 · quite possibly the greatest TV show ever made featuring robots and silhouettes and they should never have cancelled it and it should still be running and yes, I know there’s always Rifftrax, but it’s not the same and I miss Tom Servo and Crow and Mike was better than Joel, yes, I said it, and I liked Pearl too, yes, I said that as well. Thanks for Big McLarge Huge America.
- Christopher Walken · other than his very name what else can possibly be said? Thanks for the cowbell America.
- John Waters · intelligent (which I like) and twisted (which I like) and likes to get behind the lens (which I like) all adds up to the greatest film maker ever (which I like). Thanks for John Waters America.
- Sarah Palin · no, I don’t support her policies (assuming there are any) and no, I don’t like her for her intellect (caged and starved of love and light as it is) and no, I don’t like her for her looks (some people wear glasses and look smart and some people wear glasses and simply look like they would otherwise have trouble reading the things that they more often have trouble comprehending) but I do like the fact that she represents one facet of the great big entertainment spectacle that is American politics; it sure beats the tedium of our European flavour. Thanks for the laughs America.
- Bourbon · I understand that Americans do actually make some good beer that never appears to leave their shores in much the same way as proper British real ale (no, Newcastle Brown Ale does not count) never ventures to the land of uniformly unsettling teeth in return. The beer that does come over here is singularly unimpressive. But all hail their bourbon! Thank you for many happy hangovers America.
- Ministry · America has bestowed upon the world one hell of a lot of shit music – country, western, country end western, r ‘n’ fucking b, so-called modern hip hop which is simply r ‘n’ fucking b again, some pathetic facsimile of punk – but it’s also had its fair share of great music too including jazz and proper hip hop and disco and industrial metal. Speaking of industrial metal… thanks for Al Jourgensen America.
And finally… in Thanksgiving Day-unrelated news my computer just recently exploded – there was a flash and a bang and smoke and blood and gore and screaming (okay, no blood or gore and the screaming was decidedly manly screaming to be fair) – and now I have a nice, new shiny one with quad thingies and Windows 7 doohickery doodads and Blu-ray whatsits and, most importantly, no immediate (but pending) access to all of the stuff that was on my now defunct machine. This doesn’t explain why I haven’t updated the site in a while but I thought I’d share anyway to make you feel like you’re important and in my thoughts when nothing could be further from the truth. It must be that nearly-Thanksgiving spirit in my veins. Bourbon, if you recall.