UK election tactical voting

The UK General Election 2005 will be the most tactically-voted election ever and you can be a part of it! Unless you’re a foreigner.

There has been a lot of talk about tactical voting in the upcoming General Election. At least, there’s been a lot of talk about tactical voting in the place where I’ve been hanging out recently – The Tactical Voters Club, Tactical Voting Street, Tactical Voter-On-The-Medway, Hampshire. You may have experienced less conversations revolving around this subject if you’ve been leading a normal life. Man, you don’t know what you’re missing. We have sandwiches.

So what is tactical voting? Well, tactical voting gets its name from its founder Pubert Tactical and, put simply, involves voting in a manner to keep people unelected rather than standard voting (invented c.1613, Leopold Standard) which works in a contrary way and tries to elect people instead. All good, harmless fun and a good-natured community activity to distract the general population while the powers-that-be agree on the final numbers for the rigged event.

During this period of pre-election frenzy (using the olde English definition of frenzy, "yea, it be as exciting as badger-wrestling without badgers or urchins of the street, and God smite us all down if it doesn’t look like a prolonged typhoid outbreak in Swansea is on the horizon!") it’s very easy to get confused with regards to which political party is lying about which promise to improve or destroy what if they get your vote, and your tactical vote could get misplaced. Are the Conservatives all fascists or is that UKIP? Do Labour have the leader I’d like to punch in the face or is that the Tories? Will I be worse off tax-wise under the Liberal Democrats, Labour, or the Conservatives? Those were all trick questions, of course, and the answers were ‘Yes’ in each case.

Luckily for you I’ve been able to ask questions of Tony Blair (Labour, Sedgefield, likes sweets but hates baby tortoises) and Michael Howard (Conservative, Folkestone & Hythe, wears a tie in the shower) and some guest alternative parties. Armed with the information provided you’ll be in no doubt as to who to tactically vote for come May 5th.

Question 1: Tax-avoiding foreigner Rupert Murdoch has told his editors and "journalists" to tell us that we’re really concerned with immigrants, immigration, asylum-seekers, and gypsies climbing through our windows and putting their genitalia in our mouths while we sleep before stealing all our jobs and burning men with beards with lit cigarettes and bricking up nunneries. The burning of men with beards aside, those are all pretty horrible things and I’m now scared. What are you going to do about it?

Conservative Party Leader Michael Howard
Michael Howard Years of abuse under this corrupt and inept Labour party – and, in particular, the so-called "leadership" of my right honourable opponent Mr Blair – have put our country at greater and greater risk of waking up to find an Albanian’s ballsack firmly wedged between our jaws. That’s not the sort of Britain I grew up in and it’s not the sort of Britain I want to continue growing up in. Under a Conservative government nobody will be able to enter the country at all! The people of Britain don’t want people doing the jobs we can’t fill. The people of Britain don’t want hard-working foreign nationals breathing the same air they’re breathing. The people of Britain have spoken and the Conservative party has listened.

Are you thinking what we’re thinking?

Labour Party Leader Tony Blair
Tony Blair I firmly believe that the people of Britain welcome immigrants and asylum-seekers into this country; some people even welcome awaking to the discovery of a hairy testicular pouch of Hungarian’s finest in their oral orifices. I’m talking about the Welsh there, ha ha! That’s a joke. You won’t publish that will you?

And let us not forget that immigrants are people seeking work and asylum-seekers are people seeking refuge from horrible regimes in other countries. We must be vigilant against those who fail in their applications for immigration and asylum, of course, but I see no reason to unfairly limit those who would benefit this country. That would be everyone but the Welsh, ha ha! You’ll leave that bit out won’t you?

Forward, not back.

Guest Alternative Party: National Socialist Treen Party Leader The Mekon
Vote Mekon The National Socialist Treen Party is a friend to legal and illegal aliens everywhere and will open the borders of this puny country up for everyone to cross into and out at will. Then, at the right time, I will instruct my scientists to unleash a biotoxin at all the border points. In a matter of months the whole planet will be infected and all you Earthling scum will be slaves! Victory is assured! Unless Dan Dare finds the Antibody Ray Machine in the Andes. But what are the odds of that happening?

Question 2: I haven’t heard much about ID cards recently but it’s a fair bet to assume that straight after the election the subject will rear its ugly head again. Given that a) ID cards won’t prevent terrorism since terrorists won’t have them and it won’t be mandatory to carry them, b) any savings on social security fraud-prevention will be offset a hundred-fold by the cost of implementing the scheme, c) all these projects always cost ten times their original estimates meaning that everyone will be out-of-pocket to a potential cost of several hundred pounds, and d) the only people who will actually benefit are the companies that produce the cards and write the software, the ministers with connections to those companies, and the criminal underground (who will probably have fake versions ready before the first people are lined up to be fingerprinted, iris-scanned, weighed, and DNA-tested) what are your views on ID cards?

Conservative Party Leader Michael Howard
Michael Howard We had ID cards during the war and there was a real need back then; at any point a German soldier could have parachuted into Kent and then proceeded to wreak havoc by not getting any of our jokes or understanding any wartime songs performed in pubs in the East End. It was a very real and very dangerous threat to the British way of life. Does Mr Blair think that al Qaeda wants to change the songs on our football terraces?

The Conservative party will not support an ill-thought-out identification card scheme by this corrupt and disease-spreading government in the modern climate. Perhaps, when the people of Britain decide they want proper leadership then we will consider a proper, ill-thought-out, Conservative ID card scheme, but not before. You can be certain, however, that we won’t waste taxpayers’ money like Labour. Our ID cards will be laminated to reduce the cost of replacing them every few years!

Are we thinking what you think we should be thinking?

Labour Party Leader Tony Blair
Tony Blair I firmly believe that ID cards will make this country safer by reducing the need to carry around bulky passports, driving licences, and national insurance cards, and, therefore, leaving cleaner lines in clothing allowing for faster sprinting from danger. The opposition will tell you that we don’t need to carry those things around anyway but that doesn’t mean we can’t. It’s – and I firmly believe the people of Britain will agree – a fundamental freedom of every British person to carry around bulky documentation. And to those people we say "Yes, you are free to carry bulky documentation, and now it’s less bulky because we’re forcing you to replace it all with a single, thin card with biometric data on it."

To those who argue that it’s unfair that visitors to our country won’t require any identification at all I say this: you can spot them all a mile off anyway. Am I right? Americans; loud shirts. French; look French. Welsh; sheep strapped to their cocks, ha ha! Don’t print that last bit, okay?

Forwards, occasionally looking backwards, but not bumping into things.

Guest Alternative Party: Orange Party Leader Montague Fitzroy-Box-Of-Jaffas-Smythe
Vote Orange I often go shopping with Mrs Fitzroy-Box-Of-Jaffas-Smythe in the family Lada and, even if I’m not specifically after them, the lure of a bag of fruit from the orange family often overtakes me. I doubt I’m alone. You walk into Sainsburys and there they are: orange globes of citrus heaven! Do you know what I do? I buy a bag of orange-coloured fruit and I take them home and I eat them. But guess what! Sometimes I eat tangerines and sometimes I eat satsumas. Clementines are my favourite but that doesn’t stop me buying actual oranges sometimes. And it’s not an accident! No, okay, once it was when the daughters of the DeWalt-Circular-Saw-Johnsons stayed over but crystal meth always has that effect. No! It’s not an accident because of labelling!

And labelling is just like ID cards isn’t it? Wouldn’t it all be better if we were barcoded? Far easier to check the stock levels. Three for the price of two! Yes?

Question 3: Recently, that waste-of-space of an American leader allowed his iPod track listing to be released to an uncaring world giving people a chance to psychoanalyse the man’s musical tastes. The result was: meh. If you had an iPod, or superior equivalent, name a few tracks you’d put on it and explain your choices. And Blair, if you even think about D:Ream’s "Things Can Only Get Better" I’ll paper-cut you to death.

Conservative Party Leader Michael Howard
Michael Howard Aretha Franklin’s Think would have to be there, of course. Years of being under the thumb of Labour rule has stopped the British people from thinking about how to vote the Conservatives back in. It ties in nicely with our slogan as well, don’t you think? That was a joke supplied by my publicist and he’ll be sacked tomorrow.

I’ll also have to have Carly Simon’s Nobody Does It Better, from the James Bond film "The Spy Who Never Killed Octopussy Twice". I’m a big fan of James Bond; he is incredibly British after all. And I’ve just realised: Tony Blair can’t run this country better than me either! Well, I never!

My final choice has to be ABBA’s Take A Chance On Me. No reason; I just always fancied the brunette. Bjorn, wasn’t it?

Are we even thinking?

Labour Party Leader Tony Blair
Tony Blair I firmly believe that my first choice of Clawfinger’s Truth will surprise quite a few people. I just love the lyrics: "Truth, tell me the truth, the truth motherfucker, tell me the truth, tell me the truth, tell me the truth, the truth you sucker!" It just sums up how I lead my life. I’m not a liar.

Hobo Humping Slobo Babe by Whale would be my next choice. I remember that video well. Braces on her teeth and you could see her knickers when she was being thrown in the air. Phwoar! Didn’t much go for the strange-looking men in the video. Still, could’ve been worse; they could have been called Wales, ha ha. I trust the usual omission will take place, yes?

My final selection would be that song by Electronic, Getting Away With It. I firmly believe that the collaboration of the humourless, manic depressives from both New Order and Pet Shop Boys was a great boon to the UK charts and helped to promote British moroseness worldwide in the nineties. And that’s something these days that Labour does better than anyone.

Forewarned is two-faced.

Guest Alternative Party: Rejected Papal Candidates Party Leader Cardinal Claudio Hummes
Vote Hummes So, I didn’t get to be Pope because I’m not conservative enough, huh? I’ll show you Ratzinger, or Benedict, or whatever you want to call yourself! You can’t hide! Okay, my first choice would be Suck My Kiss by Red Hot Chili Peppers. Hey Ratzinger! Suck my kiss!

Let’s have Beck’s Loser next. No, it’s not about me. I can travel by church porsche. Yo, Ratzinger! Does your popemobile reach 10kph? Ha! Who’s the loser?

Lastly, I’ll go for Cameo and Word Up. Cameo is the man!

Question 4: Taxation is necessary to ensure we all have roads you can just about drive on, our cities cleaned (in theory; never seen it myself), our household waste picked up, enough police to fill in the forms that need to be filed in lieu of any actual crime-prevention or detection, and plenty of left-over funds to top-up the "private" companies running the transport, water, gas, and electricity, plus finance occupations of foreign countries on behalf of transatlantic vegetable requests. Do you have any new tax plans we should be aware of and what impacts will this have on public services?

Conservative Party Leader Michael Howard
Michael Howard Conservative policies stand for lower taxation for business and individuals. I didn’t grow up in a Britain that believed taxation, taxation, taxation was the answer and I don’t think the British people want that either. We’re not Spanish, or Portugese, or Albanian. We’re British! And if we want to live in dirty cities with no services but plenty of money to holiday abroad and escape it all then that’s what we’ll do! And Brussels won’t stop us!

A Conservative government will scrap taxation across the board. The people of Britain will be better off. Businesses will be better off. Thanks to celebrity magician Paul Daniels the Conservative party will still be able to build three hundred new, MRSA-free hospitals and construct flying cars for everyone. Labour will say our sums don’t add up but Mr Blair: a magician never reveals his secrets!

We think we’re thinking about things you’re thinking about.

Labour Party Leader Tony Blair
Tony Blair I firmly believe that the people of Britain understand that you don’t get something for nothing and that’s why they appreciate how well the country has been run in the past four years. Would a Conservative government have been able to launch an attack on a defenceless Middle Eastern country and help to kill thousands of men, women, and children while simultaneously raising council taxes year on year with no visible improvement to public services? No, they wouldn’t; if this country had been run by the Tories there would have been less revenue with which to take part in our illegal invasion and our standing on American television networks would have suffered. If we want to continue to send our best soldiers to kill and die somewhere dusty then Labour’s sensible budgeting from my good friend Gordon Brown is the answer. If you would rather we sent the worst of society – criminals, drug-abusers, the Welsh, ha ha – to represent British bullying on the world stage then vote Conservative.

Don’t vote Conservative though. And remember to take that bit out about the Welsh please.

For war, no backbone.

Guest Alternative Party: Beast Of Bodmin Party Leader Tiddles
Vote Tiddles Tax spent on good things is good! Food? Tax spent on bad things is bad. Food? The Beast of Bodmin party will tax only what is affordable and spend it on good things. Food? Ball of string? We do not believe in war or, indeed, anything requiring effort. Food? We do support 23 hours of sleep per day and will introduce a waking tax. Food?

I have thrown up over your shoes.

Well, my tactical protest vote and I were leaning towards the abhorrent Conservatives in my constituency of Portsmouth North … but Tiddles may have won it right at the end. I hope this has been of some use to you and if you are in the UK and are going to vote (you get my extra special fist-waving of mild irritation if you’re not) then may I suggest you check out where your vote should go if you’re going to try to help get Blair out by clicking here.

Author: Mark

Share This Post On

1 Comment

  1. Very funny. Who says i have a sense of humour not? When you are burning in hell with a giant condom wrapped around your waist, I will then be the laughing one.

    Post a Reply

Submit a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *