Almost a whole year ago I penned – using my keyboard – an article entitled American Football Explained wherein I explained the sport known as American Football (do you see how titles work?). As a result of that article I received many plaudits – none of which can be exchanged for goods or services in the shops so thankyou very much for nothing – but, more importantly, I filled from my ankles to just below my ears with the warm glow of knowing that I had helped some people, somewhere, somehow to understand and appreciate the sport I love so much.
So now you know the rules of American Football and you’ve probably even picked a team to follow. Maybe it’s the Arizona Cardinals because you’re a bit funny like that. Well, what’s next? Yes, you need to pick up some useless facts about the people, places, and things of the sport with which you can bore friends in the pub. Let’s have a quick look at some of the Stars of the NFL.
Bill Cowher is the only head coach in the NFL to have been created by the Jim Henson company using leftover parts from the Electric Mayhem Band, most often seen on The Muppet Show. But don’t think for a second that he’s a puppet or some amazing animatronic gizmo: Bill Cowher is 100% alive and 125% chin. His creation was funded – in part – by sales of Pittsburgh’s Terrible Towels, a fact that burns him to the core and drives him to uncontrollable rage whenever he sees one. But Steeler’s fans are heartless beasts and wave them mercilessly anyway.
Drawing much of his superhuman strength – like Samson – from his moustache, Cowher nevertheless relies on his most famous undermouth feature to control his tough football team. Capable of striking outwards like the inner mouth of the Alien Queen in Aliens, the Cowher Chin demands discipline and gets it. Steelers Quarterback "Big" Ben "Big Ben" Roethlisberger was very almost re-nicknamed "Chin-Impaled Vegetable Burger" for missing an open receiver early this season in the losing game against the Patriots. Luckily, some towel-waving distracted Cowher and the young QB survived.
Brett has been the starting Quarterback for the Green Bay Packers since the formation of the NFL back in 1920. Possibly even longer. Some fans believe he – imbued with the powers of ancient Greek Titans – may even have created the NFL, forging it from stone broken from the banks of Green Bay itself. We call them "crazy fans". Everyone knows the NFL is made from plastic.
More interesting than Favre himself is his family. In recent years a chain of unfortunate deaths among his relations have inspired Brett to lead his team to numerous victories on the back of grief. Sadly, the survivors have taken far more care of themselves as a result leading to a drop-off in those popping off the mortal coil. While good for the members of the Favre clan, the lack of emotional motivation has contributed to a poor start to this season that looks set to continue unless the Favre family Thanksgiving meal is undercooked this year.
Terrell Owens is the greatest Wide Receiver in the NFL ever! Don’t believe me? Ask him!
When you’re the greatest Wide Receiver in the NFL ever – like T.O. – there are certain things you expect. Scoring a touchdown? That’ll be fireworks. Breaking a tackle? More fireworks please. Acting as a decoy? There’d better be some damn fireworks for that. Sitting out a play? Fireworks. And a bonus.
It’s understandable then that a player like T.O. can get upset if he doesn’t get his fireworks but there are only so many rockets in any one stadium for safety reasons. This causes Terrell to throw the odd tantrum or two and has led to him earning a wholely undeserved reputation as "difficult". He’s not difficult. He just likes fireworks.
Ask a fan of NFL to name a single head referee and you’ll almost always get the answer "Ed Hochuli". Is it because Ed is the most fair referee in the league? Is it because he’s the most unfair? Is it because he spends fifteen minutes explaining why the play has been ruled a fumble instead of incomplete? Quite possibly it’s all or none of these reasons but more likely than not it’s because Ed has muscles straining at the fabric of his referee outfit, threatening to burst out and slap upsides the head any player who dares to question his decision. That and the fifteen minute explanation.
Ed is also a partner in a law firm and often initiates secret legal proceedings against any player, coach, or owner who annoy him. A civil case for noise pollution in 2001 against Dick Vermeil so infuriated the Kansas City Chiefs head coach that his angry face stuck and remains fixed to this day.
Just as famous superhero Iron Man is both iron and a man, so Randy Moss, Wide Receiver for the Oakland Raiders, is both always thinking of sex and is a plant that grows in damp locations. Currently Randy’s non-vascular mind is ruminating over his decision to leave the Minnesota Vikings. He blames doomed head coach Mike Tice; he told Randy there would be no boat trips in the 2005-2006 season. Why did he lie to Randy?
During periods of heightened arousal Randy develops a full complement of chromosones but for most of his yearly cycle he maintains only a single set. This is what differentiates Moss from higher plant species and it can be observed under a microscope. This should not be taken to mean that he has a small penis.
Carolina Panthers Cheerleaders
Renee Thomas and Angela Keathley … aaawww yeaahhh.