Star Trek: The Next Generation: Recast

In the wake of J. J. Abrams’ new Star Trek, and inspired by this thread on FriendFeed, let’s take a look at a possible recasting of Star Trek: The Next Generation should the studios ever decide to remake it too (or they could come up with something original (but I haven’t so I can’t really talk)) and were it to happen today.

The actors have been selected either because of their physical similarities to the original cast, or because of acting history that is shared with their characters. Importantly, all actors also have some connection to the Star Trek universe, the characters, or the original actors in some way.

Vin Diesel as Captain Jean-Luc Picard

The necessary characteristics of the captain of Starfleet’s NCC-1701D through G or possibly further are: articulate, intelligent, diplomatic. Failing all those, bald. Thus, it was either Vin Diesel or Jason Statham and of the two one is slightly less likely to issue the command "Conk those bleeders on the noggin and let’s scarper!" in the heat of battle.

Star Trek Fact: Vin Diesel’s real name is an anagram of "Romulan Warbird."

Tom Cruise as Commander William T. Riker

Any fan of Star Trek: The Next Generation will tell you that when Will Riker is around women, everyone starts to feel a little uncomfortable. Maybe it’s his smarmy smile. Perhaps it’s the way everyone acquires Betazoid powers of knowledge into what’s going through his mind whenever the opposite sex are involved. Most likely it’s his penchant for standing with one leg resting on a console, log, a chair, or the back of an ensign in order to splay a little and show off "the package" in the presence of ladies. Whatever the answer, when it comes to actors who come wrapped in a cloak of caution then there’s nobody better than Tom Cruise. Extensive use of CGI, interesting camera angles, and convenient boxes may be required.

Star Trek Fact: Tom claims to be an expert in dealing with Thetans; I think they were the orange aliens on rollerskates in the original series.

Christian Bale as Lt. Commander Data

Playing a Vulcan is easy; you simply have to suppress the emotions you have. Playing an android is more difficult. Gone are the days when you could get away with replacing "Yes" with "Affirmative" and adding "Bee Boop" at the end of every sentence. Today’s cinemagoers demand just a little more. Emotionless Data needs an emotionless actor; an actor actually willing to have actual brain surgery to actually remove actual tissue in the area responsible for actual human feelings. Christian Bale – in numerous roles – has already shown he is that mental.

Star Trek Fact: Christian Bale’s father invented Yeoman Rand’s hair.

Keith Hamilton Cobb as Lt. Worf

Keith Hamilton Cobb is better known to science fiction fans as Tyr Anasazi out of Victoria by Barbarossa of the Kodiak Pride, the angry Nietzschean who took forever to sign his name while on board the Andromeda Ascendant. But it’s not just an acting history of anger and a genuine misanthropy that Keith brings to the table which makes him a shoe-in for the role of the Klingon Worf: he has his own goatee too. With expensive forehead prosthetics costs, any saving like that is a bonus.

Star Trek Fact: Keith, too, suffers from trouble with Tribbles.

Katee Sackhoff as Lt. Tasha Yar

Tasha Yar was tough, good-looking, and someone you’d want by your side or perhaps just in front in a fight. Kara "Starbuck" Thrace was tough, good-looking, and someone you’d want by your side or perhaps just in front in a fight. Tasha Yar was killed but then kept reappearing. Starbuck was also killed but reappeared too. Tasha’s background on Turkana IV avoiding rape gangs made her strong and mean. Starbuck’s heavy drinking and smoking didn’t really help.

Star Trek Fact: Katee Sackhoff choreographs ballet dance in her spare time and her signature steps are known collectively as "The Corbomite Maneuver."

Tracy Morgan as Lt. Commander Geordi La Forge

The casting of Tracy Morgan in the role of Geordi La Forge will bring some much-needed depth, humour, and the possibility of an alcoholic-relapse to the character of the engineer who otherwise spent most typical days on the Enterprise complaining about coolant leaks, stuck injectors, warp core breaches, failures with women, or laughing in a creepily fake way.

Star Trek Fact: Tracy Morgan calls his penis "Captain Pike."

Julianne Moore as Dr Beverly Crusher

The role of Dr Beverly Crusher, the chief medical officer on board the Enterprise, demands a no-nonsense, redhead, older woman. In short: a MILF. Julianne Moore is all these things. The character will also need to be able to show genuine romantic interest in Vin Diesel. Julianne is also a terrific actress.

Star Trek Fact: Julianne Moore would look gorgeous dressed as an Orion Slave Girl but her preferred science fiction sexual fantasy role play character is actually that of a Pakled much to the annoyance of her husband.

Vince Vaughn as Chief Miles O’Brien

Being in charge of the transporter is a dull job and it tends to appeal to and breed dull people with no highs or lows of expressed emotion. Pleasant people. Reliable. Safe. People who look a little bit like spuds. Colm Meaney was perfect in the role in the TV series and Vince Vaughn would make an equally perfect movie alternative.

Star Trek Fact: Just like the Gorn captain that Kirk fought on Cestus III in the episode Arena, Vince Vaughn is also a Chicago Bears fan.

Jennifer Morrison as Deanna Troi

Jennifer Morrison is best known for her portrayal of Dr Cameron, the heart and soul that complements Dr Gregory House’s gaping chasm of nothingness in the hit series House. On that programme she often had strong feelings about people that turned out to be utterly wrong or completely useless making her the ideal choice to play Counsellor Deanna Troi.

Star Trek Fact: Jennifer Morrison is a heavy gambler but she only ever wagers small amounts of quatloos and is barred by most betting establishments.

Daniel Radcliffe as Ensign Wesley Crusher

Harry Potter and Wesley Crusher shared many similar traits. We watched them grow up over the years. They were both irritating. They both had issues with their parents. They both knew things that boys of their ages shouldn’t know. Daniel Radcliffe would therefore be a great choice to take over Wil Wheaton’s role.

Star Trek Fact: After the roles for which they are most famous both Daniel Radcliffe and Wil Wheaton went on to appear completely nude on stage, though in the latter’s case it was because he was drunk and it was generally considered inappropriate for the matinee performance of Annie.

Author: Mark

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  1. I coughed coffee when I read about Vince Vaughn. Hilarious 😀

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  2. Is it *really* wrong that I think Tom Cruise looks gooood there?

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    • I think Keanu Reeves would make a better data, only actor I know that doesn’t show human emotion while acting.

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  3. Is it wrong? Do you have to ask?

    Oh, and nice work on new, improved Troi. Yum.

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  4. That is the most epic cast ever. I love it!

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  5. I used to watch star trek every week. used to love it. I love the way you have put uniforms on your proposed star cast.

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  6. Gina: I only hope you were drinking coffee prior to the eruption.

    Lousia31: What Les said.

    Les: What you said.

    MND: Thank you.

    lvs: I considered full-frontal nudity but chose against.

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  7. Sadly, the first draft of the script has her sensing something wrong while laying on bed in sick bay after a Jefferies tube falls on her during the opening credits and she spends the rest of the proposed movie in a cast. You never know, though: the rewrite might improve things.

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  8. Tom Cruise? Is he going to Scientologize the whole damn ship?

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  9. Carl: Of course not! In the future everyone’s a Scientologist already, silly.

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  10. Looking at them all I thought, oh that’s interesting–until it got to Daniel Radcliffe as Wesley Crusher! OMG I was LOL and nearly PIMP, my kids and I are HUGE DR fans and that’s a really cool idea. IMO Haley Joel Osment looks a heck of a lot more like Wil Wheaton than Dan does, but still……

    I actually SAW Dan in Equus during the Broadway run, it was awesome. 🙂

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  11. I…I…I think you just ruined Vince Vaughn for me. Damn you!!

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  12. got lost in the new/micro characters later, but i gotta say: the first two are absolutely SPOT-ON

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  13. Of all my issues with your vision of a revamped Next Gen cast, I think I can speak for Trekkies everywhere, when I say, I’d prefer not having Tasha Yar in the cast at all.

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  14. Test audiences disagree. They want to see Katee Sackhoff covered in black goo.

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  15. wasnt jennifer morrison capt kirk’s mom in the jj abrams remake?

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  16. test audiences agree if this actually got done every true trekker would have everyone involved with this horrible deed crucified

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  17. Wow, Make It So!

    Even better if you could swap in Ashton Kutcher for Wesley and Jessica Alba for Deanna Troi.

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  18. Ha ha – awesome.

    How about Megan Fox as Troi…

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  19. not if you enjoy having your spleen inside you`re gut

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  20. These actors chosen for the TNG remake will most definatly kill the Star Trek franchise. Tom Cruse as William T Riker? Tracy morgan as Geordi La forge? A Very bad choice, and vin diesle as Captain Picard Are You Kidding?! . These actors cant act even if thier life depended on it. How ever kieth hamilton is an ok choice for Worf. The harry poter fag for Ensign Crusher again terrible choice. Vince Vaughn for chief o’brien bad choice. And Christian Bale as data?! I hope these actors are not chosen to be in this movie. If they are I will Completly start to hate Star trek The Next generation as a whole.

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  21. frickn awesome!

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  23. Jonathan Frakes is 6 foot 4, Tom Cuise is closer to 4 foot 6. I don’t see it working.

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  24. Hey, happy xmas 2010… Crissix… i am just a little late…oops… lol.

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  25. I’d be more inclined to cast Tom Cruise as "the Borg" for obvious reasons.

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  26. “Star Trek Fact: Vin Diesel’s real name is an anagram of “Romulan Warbird.”

    No it isn’t, idiot.

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  27. Ha ha, nice one. Got to agree with Tina about Tasha Yar, one of my favourite episodes is the one where she dies.
    I am a little traumatised Mark that some of these comments don’t appear to realise that you are taking the piss…

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  28. Marina Sirtis has HUGE tits.
    Jennifer Morrison doesnt.
    Nuff said.

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  29. I think it’s time for a new Star Trek series to be made… lets have more Star Trek TV series, not just films… who’s with me?

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  30. Dude, this would be epic !!!!

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  31. I loved this! AWESOME!
    I, of course, would have made some different choices, but I have no objection(s) to your particular choice(s), and actually agree with a few of yours as being best!
    Great job & enjoyable web article/pics.

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  32. Love the concept, although I’m done with remakes.
    Let’s see a new crew, New five year Mission, New Ship, New SCRIPT

    How can the Star Trek universe be bigger than Star Wars, and yet have less movies?

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