If I ever lived in America – and I won’t – and if I decided to live in Texas – and I won’t – then, without even a peripheral glimpse of the hint of a shadow of a doubt, I would choose to live in the town of Spurger. Spurger. Say it loud. Let Spurger roll around your tongue. Think about living in the place and loving it so bad that Spurger simply seems to ooze from every pore.
Here are some fun facts about Spurger!
- Spurger was founded by brothers Joseph and Hebadebazebadiah Jissum in 1881. Due to its proximity to the river known to the native American Indians as Butchiix the town was called Jissum-on-the-Butchiix until 1893 when it was pointed out that the Indians had all moved north and the town signs were unwieldy. Spurger was chosen instead, narrowly beating Bukkakeville, Kumslutze, and Southampton in a local poll.
- Spurger’s local basketball team are called the Spurger Satins. Once it was spelt Stains but I can’t remember when that was.
- Spurger has the highest percentage of large hat-wearing men in the continental United States. The hats are large and not the men.
- Except for the mayor. He’s quite large.
The problem with me living in Spurger besides the obvious problem with it being in Texas, the obvious problem with it being in America, and the – and I can’t believe I’ve just thought of this – not that obvious problem with its name somehow conjuring up the image of a bodily function whose usage outside procreation causes angels to lose their wings and burn up during re-entry to Earth is that Spurger have just called off their traditional cross-dressing day at school.
As an Englishman that makes me very sad.
Reuters tells us …
Cross-dressing was out at a rural East Texas school district after a Christian legal group complained a long-standing school tradition of reversing social roles for a day would promote homosexuality.
Because, as we all know, gay men all dress like women. And lesbians grow beards and smoke pipes.
I don’t know. Call me a sceptic if you will but I somehow doubt there is scientific evidence to back this up and, I’ll go further, I suspect that even the all-powerful law-trumper itself, the Bible, probably makes no mention of it at all. Except maybe in Leviticus. Man, that’s one crazy book. Not as crazy as Paul’s letters to the Moonmen but certainly getting there.
You see, when I wear women’s clothing I can honestly say that I never feel the urge to explore my masculine side and someone else’s too. An example of something that categorically does not pass through my mind during transvestitism is:
"OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY! I HOPE I GET SENT TO NAKED MEN PRISON, THE NAKEDEST MAN PRISON FOR NAKED MEN THERE IS!!!!"
It’s more like:
"OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY! I HOPE NOBODY REALISES I’M NOT THE SUBSTITUTE GYM TEACHER IN THIS PRIVATE ALL-GIRL’S SCHOOL!!!!"
Delana Davies, who has two children in the Spurger school, complained this year that the tradition could promote homosexuality and got the Liberty Legal Institute, a right-wing Christian legal group, to take up the cause.
"It might be fun today to dress up like a little girl — kids think it’s cute and things like that. And you start playing around with it and, like drugs, you do a little here and there (and) eventually it gets you," Davies told reporters.
Delana Davies is a very astute woman and absolutely, positively 100% right!
It’s just like in 1977 when we celebrated the Queen’s Silver Jubilee using the mighty, awesome power of street parties. As the law dictated all children were forced to wear fancy dress and I went as, what we called them back then, a Red Indian. I was dressed in red clothing (red, for Indians from America were red don’t you know) with a feather head-dress, warpaint, a bow and arrow, and was encouraged to whoop randomly and scalp with vigour. And I did. I was just playing around but …
… I couldn’t just stop there. It was like dressing as an Indian had some psychological hold on me and I started dressing more and more like various famous Indians moving up the hierarchy from Pocahontas through to Sitting Bull and even that guy who appeared in The Outlaw Josey Wales. And still I couldn’t stop. I changed my name to Big Lump Sleeping Sloth and built a casino on ancient burial ground and started smoking. Finally, Kevin Costner came to me for advice on being an Indian and I knew it had gone too far. I sought help from the Bible as an Indian Intervention expert had thoughtfully left his card inside the front cover and the rest, as they say, is history. I’m normal once more.
Because of the controversy, school officials decided to change Wednesday … to Camouflage Day, in what Hunt described as a reference to the clothing hunters wear during deer-hunting season, which is going on now and is enormously popular in rural Texas
I see. Definitely camouflage for hunting. Definitely not camouflage to get people used to wearing the stuff when they’re drafted into the army or to encourage them that the army is the vocation for them. Definitely not that. Positively not that. Good chance anyway.
The problem that springs to my mind is that I’m now concerned that dressing as a "hunter" may have a detrimental effect on women as it is men that are supposed to fulfill that role. Women, as every God-loving person knows, are for babies and cooking and cleaning. If women ever got the notion in their heads that they were supposed to hunt too we could have a lesbian epidemic of lesbian Biblical proportions and while that would produce some very nice positives the sheer weight of negatives and strain on the dungaree industry could prove cataclysmic to the Earth.
Clearly, the solution to Spurger’s social/moral problems – outside of lobotomising and sterilising of its crazies – lies in the choice of clothing to wear. Nothing that encourages anything not in the Bible (or should that be nothing that doesn’t not encourage nothing not in the Bible?), nothing that upsets the fragile balance of the sexes on the planet, nothing that upsets Delana Davies, and therefore nothing sensible.
Mermen & Mermaids
Why! That’s Splendid!: Merpeople are some of the most holy of God’s creatures which should please the religious right-wingers. Did not Jesus say during the Sermon on the Mount "Blessed be the merfolk; for theirs is the wettest Kingdom but you don’t hear them complaining. You could learn a lesson from them. That’s right Pharisees, I’m looking at you."
Why! That’s Not So Good!: Mermaids have exposed naughty bits and cannot always position their long hair to cover them up. Even though there has never been a single case of a merman thinking lewd thoughts about someone other than his merwife the merest possibility that it could happen should cause severe consternation to morally superior people.
Wealthy Landowners & Pregnant Wives
Why! That’s Splendid!: If dressing like a girl makes you gay then clearly dressing like a wealthy landowner makes you rich! And what will rich landowners want? Pregnant wives! Which is handy because, when the world is full of wealthy, male landowners, being a pregnant wife will be the goal of every gal!
Why! That’s Not So Good!: When every man is a wealthy landowner eventually the land will run out and there will be war. With no way to prevent the birth of an ever-increasing number of wealthy landowners this will lead to much suffering. More importantly, with every man a wealthy landowner and every woman permanently suffering backache, there will be nobody around to work the wealthy land. Normally, I’d say make the homos do it but, well, they’ll be extinct.