If you’re a normal boy or girl then you’re probably kilometres away on the internet (the internet is measured in metric units despite Americans not understanding factors of ten) looking at filthy porn or photoshopped pictures of monkeys dancing atop the heads of various world leaders and, what’s more, you’ve probably never wondered what life would be like if you were a mystically-powered space animal.
Luckily for me there’s nothing really normal about visitors to this site so chances are better than George Lucas uncovering the secret of the Aztecs that allowed them to develop plots and strong characters in moving hieroglyphics that you – yes you – once gave a passing thought to space animals in your unrewarding and pointless existence.
When it comes to space normal rules about animals go out the window and burn up in a gravitational vortex or are possibly just eaten by other space animals who follow the first set around looking for normal rules to devour because that’s the crazy sort of rules that apply in space.
For instance, you know that rule that says that four legs is the absolute maximum number of legs that an animal can have before it shifts from being “cute” to “put on the planet to terrify people into early graves for other multi-legged beasts to feast on”? Yeah, well that rule doesn’t apply in space at all. You can be cute and have six talons. Crazy!
I’ve decided to list some of my favourite space animals that I once considered being before puberty kicked in and the reality of being stuck in human form on this stinking cesspit of a hellhole planet struck home. You may be thinking “Why the hell are you doing this you fricking moron?” and I’d be a liar if I said the thought wasn’t reverberating around my head as I dictate every word to my typewriter emu but the answer is simply that you probably aren’t interested in the myriad ways I’m trying to avoid wiring in a new ring circuit for my oven.
The Solar Monkey Child
Overrated director Stanley Kubrick’s science fiction millstone 2001 has had some influence on my life since I was very young. My parents liked actor Kier Dullea so much they named my brother after him. Regrettably, they didn’t call him Dullea and give me a lifetime of jokes. Sadder still, they didn’t call him Kier either. They tried. They just didn’t spell it right. Oh well, at least it’s unique.
From the age of nine onwards I began to waltz. A tip of the hat to the influence of using The Blue Danube music in the film perhaps? Or maybe a punk-style rebelling against normalcy? Or a result of when I fell off the swing and hit my head. We may never know for sure.
And then one day I became a man and I started to despise children in all forms. Baby-faced people right down to foetuses … er foetii … um splobs; all found themselves on my list. My list was sorted alphabetically. I’m a Virgo. That’s the sort of thing we do. Coincidence that the end of 2001 features a splob? I think not.
Anyway, in some convoluted way this almost partly has some relevance to the reason why I think babies are both scary and powerful. Powerful in a scary powerful way. Hence, space animal number one in my list is the malevolent Solar Monkey Child!!!
The Solar Monkey Child lives most of its life within a star’s chromosphere where it enjoys playing with solar flares and flinging its crap everywhere. From Earth these appear as sunspots and play havoc with television reception, pacemakers, and launch codes for intercontinental ballistic missile defence systems. As monkey children approach old age they leave the warmth of their solar nurseries and swing across to the centre of the galaxy and the fabled Solar Monkey Children’s Graveyard. No space animal has ever seen what happens there and returned to tell the tale. But none have really tried either. Who the hell wants to see monkey children rotting away?
The Transdimensional Penguinope
Earth’s creatures can get fairly big when you think about it.
The giraffe is very tall although susceptible to tripping over wildebeest and quite easy to beat in a fight. The blue whale is a fairly massive sea creature that, despite it’s benign nature, would still scare the bejeesus out of me if it surfaced while I was swimming. If it mistook me for plankton – and, touch wood, nothing has yet – and swallowed me whole then I think I might possibly die of fright before suffocating in its cavernous gullet. The giant squid is the only creature that attacks blue whales because it follows the ancient creed of picking on something its own size. The kraken is in the Mediterranean with a webbed foot trapped under some of the remains of the Colossus of Rhodes but if it ever surfaced it would dwarf puny creatures like the whale and the squid.
Still, none even get close to some of the titans that inhabit the transdimensional realm of space. The Kitten-Headed Moth spits out pulsars when it warps into our reality and is considered all but untouchable among the denizens of deep space but even that fearsome creature is but an eyeball in size to the Transdimensional Penguinope.
The Penguinope resembles a giant penguin with antlers and most usually enters our continuum through the centre of nebulae as the warmth of the gases makes a nice change from the chillyness of space. Like penguins on Earth it lays eggs although the eggs only appear in the twelfth dimension and are incubated by the emotion of love. It also smells of fish which is peculiar because, like sound, smell doesn’t travel very well in a vacuum. Scientists suspect that the smell is really a manifestation of quarks and antiprototronitrons but scientists who are prepared to make up scientific-sounding words to explain things they don’t understand probably shouldn’t be trusted. The Penguinope is normally quite a placid animal but does get in a flap when it’s mating season and quantum interactions between its gigantic flippers and normal matter can cause people and objects to wink out of existence. This explains Geri Halliwell.
The Intergalactic Qudlthphfrxuqikhp
In case you’re unaware of such matters the scale of bigger and better explosive power goes something like this:
- ignition switch on your hob failing to ignite the gas until the exact moment you put your eye down close to see if there are any sparks,
- atomic bomb,
- nuclear bomb,
- zutronium bomb.
You possibly haven’t heard of the last one but I have and that’s all that matters.
The only space animal with zutronium-powered laser eyes is the Intergalactic Qudlthphfrxuqikhp. It looks like a cow with wings but flies like an angel would fly if the angel looked like a cow with wings but flew normally. For an angel.
Despite the appearance resembling something Earthbound and bovine the Qudlthphfrxuqikhp shares few other characteristics. One beat of its space wings and it can cover the distance between Jupiter and Pluto in under a minute. Unless Jupiter and Pluto are on opposite sides of the Sun when it will take slightly longer and the risk of burnt, crispy Qudlthphfrxuqikhp increases tenfold. The animal is also a carnivore and laughs like a banshee at the thought of consuming grass to produce milk. You see, when I’m thinking about being a space animal there’s just no room for vegetarians (or whatever cows are) and their crazy, sallow-complexioned ways.
The Qudlthphfrxuqikhp is not indestructible but does possess long life, at the end of which it makes a lovely jacket with enough left over for boots.