Slices Of Star Trek

startrekbits“Beam him out of there lieutenant commander.”

“Can’t get a lock sir! The shields are up.”

“Very well. Get a tractor beam lock on the ship.”

“Tractor beam locked on.”

“And there’s no way they can break out of that now?”

“Not unless they send some kind of pulse back up the tractor beam.”

“Like they always do?”


“And we still haven’t got a fix in place for that?”

“Not yet.”

“I’m beginning to wonder why we even have this stupid beam.”

“The ship has broken free!”

“Pulse back up the beam? Of course it was! Why am I even asking?”


“Captain! We have an unauthorised launch in the shuttle bay!”

“Who is it?”

“It’s that ensign who was just acting a bit weirdly after getting bit by that strange insect on our most recent away mission but we all decided could still have full roaming capabilities and access to the ship’s systems.”

“Seal the shuttle bay doors!”

“Too late. The shuttle has left the bay.”

“Okay… okay… can I get a straight answer as to why exactly the doors weren’t sealed anyway? Anyone? Anyone?”


“They’re opening fire!”

“Evasive pattern delta!”

“We’ve taken direct hits to engineering and the port nacelle! Shields buckling!”

“What?! Even after using evasive pattern delta?!”

“Yes! It appears that a pre-programmed method of flying in an attempt to avoid fire from enemy ships is no match for actually responding to the situation at hand.”

“Fire photon torpedoes! Dispersal pattern sierra!”

“Torpedoes away! No hits!”

“Not one of their ships was where we were hoping they’d be?”

“No sir! Furthermore, computer modelling indicates two torpedoes will impact on currently-populated areas of a planet in this system in a little over eight years’ time.”


“We might be able to lose our pursuers in the nebula at three one five mark nine.”

“Is that one of those perfectly safe nebulae or one of the ones that harbours something arguably worse than what we’re facing out here?”

“There are safe nebulae?”

“Experience so far says no.”


“Open hailing frequencies.”

“Hailing frequencies open.”

“Approaching vessel: we are just passing through this system and mean you no harm. Ensign: anything?”

“Nothing, captain. I suppose it’s possible that they don’t use the same hailing frequencies as us though.”

“I’d never thought about that. Do we have a big blanket we can write on and hang outside the front?”


“Have you locked the intruder out of our computer systems?”

“Yes captain… wait… he’s bypassing our security measures and re-routing commands from the control deck to engineering.”

“I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Windows 95 had better protection.”


“Enemy armada directly ahead sir! They’re blocking our path!”

“How many vessels commander?”

“We’ve detected almost a hundred starships spread out in an aggressive formation.”

“Can we fly around them at warp speed?”

“I don’t see why not.”

“Let’s do that for a change then.”

Author: Mark

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