Slavery Reparations

The slave trade period was – with hindsight – not a great period. Not like the free opium for everyone period. Can I hear an ‘awesome’? Awesome! But back to the slave trade period. Not good.

Now, there are those who argue reparations should be made for the actions of our ancestors. Okay. Fine. I hear some of the arguments and maybe I can agree in principle with some of them.

Figures have been bandied about recently: the World Reparations and Repatriation Truth Commission have lodged a claim for $777 trillion, for example, whilst simultaneously placing their little fingers to the sides of their collective mouths. Dr Robert Beckford plucked the far more sensible figure for Britain alone of £7.5 trillion and almost kept a straight face too.

Okay. Again. Only … I’ve got a few claims of my own first.

The Cost Of Caveman-Consumption

Dinosaur AttackThe caveman-eating period in the history of the dinosaurs and their descendants remains a highly emotive and contentious subject.

That the systematic terrorising, roaring, cave-encroachment, and chewing of bearded cavemen in front of their bikini-clad cavebabes had an impact on the social development of mankind is not in question. The fierce dispute between me and the descendants of the dinosaurs revolves around putting a figure on the economic cost.

Birds acknowledge the role their ancestors played in the caveman-eating period but refuse to entertain the notion of compensation. I, on the other hand, believe that they should go further than merely expressing regret. An apology backed by a financial package will help to heal the mammalian-avian wounds of time. Those wounds! They hurt so bad!

A billion trillion pounds should do the trick nicely. And stop crapping on my car.

The Price Of Prayer

Wasp GodIt’s difficult to find anything that’s had more of a detrimental impact on the quality of life for everyone than religion. Just a few of the awful events that can be directly associated with this stain of shame on the neatly-pressed trousers of universal history include, but are not limited to:

  • religious wars, crusades, and the ilk,
  • praying when you could be inventing a cure for baldness,
  • the suppression of knowledge and persecution of personal lifestyle choices,
  • arguing with Jehovah’s Witnesses in the doorway and missing the Premiership goals round-up,
  • rummaging in your pockets for a few unconvincing moments, patting them apologetically and smiling a sad no towards the Salvation Army Pub Guilt Squad,
  • M. Night Shyamalan’s movies.

God should be held accountable or, in His absence, anyone claiming to be one of God’s people.

A trillion trillion pounds for every person affected by the historical taint of religion will appease the hurt. But nothing for anybody who fell for kabbalah.

Author: Mark

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5 Comments

  1. Come now Mark, we all know that dinosaurs aren’t real. Like you’ve never created a 40 ton skeleton out of chicken bones, elmer’s glue and feathers (they had feathers right?)

    Regardless, when it comes to religion, I am still wanting my change buddy. I pay each and everyday for the sins of mankind, but the reparations, they fail to cometh. I hereby stake my claim for 100% of the income (pre-tax of course), as I have endured too much suffering from people trying to convince me that there is a mystical gypsy in the sky, floating on clouds like lakitu from Mario Bros.

    At least Lakitu never expected me to feel bad for screwing strippers. And by screwing, of course, I mean murdering and placing in my trunk. The sonar properties of dead hookers do WONDERS for adding oomf to my woofers.

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  2. Cheeba – fix your comments system; I wanted to laugh at your gay Indian chum post my insightful commentary on the status of your life.

    Dinosaurs did exist! I’m sure one of your ancestors was in One Million Years BC, actually. Isn’t there a part in that film where Raquel Welch suddenly becomes over-possessive, cranky, and starts screaming at the handsome prehistoric IT specialist for no reason causing him to leap into a Tyrannosaurus’ mouth? Great uncle Ungh Cheeba by any chance?

    Yeah, you deserve a big pay-out from the Almighty. I’d say that I’d be right behind you in the queue but you’d probably worry rightly unnecessarily rightly.

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  3. Just noticed the adverts accompanying this served up by Google – slavery biennial, dna ancestry, and slave trade history I can understand. African women for dating seems a little risque but the ad for the airbus a380 DVD is a real mystery. Were slaves transported by planes back in the 1700s?

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  4. I’ve got Celtic blood so can I get some money from the Italian government for what the Romans did to my people too?

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  5. £7.5 trillion

    Holy crap – how much tax am I gonna be paying for the rest of my life to cover that?!!?

    Dr Robert Beckford has obviously met my ex-wife’s divorce lawyer.

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