Skills And Knowledge

I’ve got skills. They’re multiplying. But I’m not losing control because one of my skills is controlling multiplying skills. Which is handy.

KnowledgeI also have knowledge. Lots of it. Sometimes my knowledge spills out and soils the sofa. Luckily I know the best way to remove knowledge stains from all types of upholstery.

Let me share some of my skills and knowledge …

SKILL: I can do something with my tongue that drives women absolutely wild!!!! By expelling air over its surface and carefully shaping the contours of my mouth I can form the words "Get in the kitchen and do the washing up."

KNOWLEDGE: I know that on average the typical man or woman will only find a missing object in the last place they look a paltry 78% of the time. The remaining occasions are false positives resulting from von Neumann replicating machines having a laugh.

SKILL: I can play the violin almost perfectly but like Cassandra I am cursed to never be heard correctly by anyone crazy enough to get close. Actually, it’s probably everyone else who’s cursed then. I am unable to sustain a long note on the violin though; I move the bow too fast and it falls off the side of the instrument before the next note is due.

KNOWLEDGE: I know that journalism was bought out in a hostile takeover many years ago by public relations and, although they proclaim to be two disparate entities, they are, in fact, the same organism and maintain the illusion for tax reasons. I know that when the revolution comes they will be the first against the wall and the wall be pushed on top of them to save bullets and because it’s a slower death.

SKILL: I can join two of my tentacles and jump through the hoop suffering only minor dislocation of the scapula. What dislocates with searing shocks only makes me stronger.

KNOWLEDGE: I know what the precise location of the hour hand, minute hand, and second hand on my watch will be at the moment I die because it’s stopped and I can’t be bothered to get any new batteries.

SKILL: I am able to ascertain whether a television channel has anything worth watching on it in the 0.015 seconds I view it before changing station. My other half doesn’t believe it’s possible but that’s because she was raised to put the television on and then not touch the remote control for the rest of the evening. Seriously, I let her have the remote once. Once. No, I don’t want to watch the advert for Toilet Duck. I don’t care that whatever’s on another channel may be halfway through; it’s not a Toilet Duck commercial. I know I’ll just be coming back to this channel in a minute but we have a full bottle of Domestos under the sink.

KNOWLEDGE: I know where the key to Angelina Jolie’s heart is. It’s on the mantelpiece. Angelina’s heart is contained in a padlocked purse and is fastened to her waist by velcro. Her kidney is attached by a chain and trails behind her when she walks.

SKILL: I can complete a marathon in under a minute and I’m not out of breath at the end. I do this by folding space-time around a cone of super-dense cotton and protecting myself as I jump over the event horizon apex by rolling into a ball.

KNOWLEDGE: I know why toast usually falls butter-side down. The act of spreading – much like rubbing a balloon on a small dog – acts to negatively charge the butter or margarine which is in a balanced state while in the tub. Floors are positively charged by law so that they repel brickwork and keep houses straight but this serves to attract the toast in the specific manner most observed.

SkillSKILL: I have a sixth sense when it comes to determining whether people I see or meet are trustworthy or not that is never wrong. In all my years of casting judgements on strangers I have never met a Gary I would piss on if he was on fire. And neither should you.

KNOWLEDGE: I know that Tony Blair doesn’t have an honest bone in his body. His skeletal frame was replaced by pneumatic tubes during 1977 and 1978. Sometimes, when he flies to conspire with foreign dignitaries or when he jets off to take an extended Caribbean holiday just like all his subjects can, the change in pressure causes him to inflate and he must release air to maintain his physical form for the journey. Upon arrival – and normal barometric conditions once more – a bicycle pump must be deployed to redress the balance. The nozzle goes exactly where you imagine.

SKILL: I can command cats to do anything. Their refusal to comply does not diminish my skill in any way.

KNOWLEDGE: I know what troubles your sleep. It is the burglar trying on your underwear.

SKILL: I have an incredible sense of direction on the large scale. I can generally tell which way I’m pointing and the rough direction of where I need to be going to within a second or two of arc. Even at night or locked in the boot of the car. Closer up I often miss the turn-off I need because I don’t pay attention to road signs.

KNOWLEDGE: I know that Steve Jobs has been assimilated by a bacterial lifeform and he now seeks to enslave the planet under their direction. The rise in use of iPod earphones and the safe harbour for our microbial enemies they provide will facilitate this process.

SKILL: I can detect changes in air pressure and ionisation of the atmosphere before a storm just like cats and dogs. However, I am too large to fit behind the sofa or hide under the bed and must bravely face Thor’s wrath.

KNOWLEDGE: I know that if you divide any prime number over infinity by the cube root of pi the final digit is always 6. Try it yourself!

SKILL: I can make an awesome cup of tea because I can visualise the rotation of the tea bag and the interaction between the water molecules and the tea leaves as a multi-spectral 3D image in my mind and so know precisely when the bag needs to be squeezed and removed. My coffee is a disaster area.

KNOWLEDGE: I know that talk of battling climate change is a waste of time without decisive action and that decisive action is due to arrive in September of 2028 when benevolent aliens arrive with a free, fast, global solution in the form of a bioweapon that converts humans into ozone. Your definition of benevolent and mine may differ.

Author: Mark

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14 Comments

  1. Ah, so you were the fluffy one in those photographs of the Romanian-based bloggers!

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  2. I can train wombats to do a variety of things, including ballroom dancing and attacking to kill on command.

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  3. Misty, your services will be invaluable to me for when I launch my attack on Australia. I intend to strike down all antipodean defences through aggression, speed, precision, and – most of all – foxtrots with fallaway rondes and I’d like to count on your support if I may.

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  4. Anytime! Let me know when and where. The code word will be ‘Pas-de-deux’

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  5. I’d like to know where you got the picture of my brain, Sir.

    Ahem.

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  6. That simply can’t be your brain Ruggy. Look at the two little balls on the left side. It’s clearly a male brain.

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  7. Talking of little balls on the left side, I can cross my eyes and then swivel the left eye completely to the left. Will silence a crying baby in a nanosecond. Will this quasi-superpower help in any way?

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  8. Also, are you sure that’s not a pickled cauliflower masquerading as a brain? I had something very similar for supper last night and I’m now Very Worried.

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  9. Any power that silences a crying baby is welcomed. Not just welcomed. It gets parades thrown for it. And a small metal cup with the words ‘Shut Up! Shut Up! Shut Up!’ engraved on it.

    And let me see if I’ve got this right; you had a brain last night for supper but you’re concerned it may have been a cauliflower in disguise, right?

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  10. I have the unnerving ability to press the return button before I’ve fini

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  11. OMG! This seriously worked. You have to try this. your instincts has its advantages all the time… This is freaky as anything…

    DO NOT CHEAT (You’ll will kick yourself later)
    I was a little skeptical trying this,

    but if you follow the instructions to the "t" you’ll be surprised!!!!
    All of my answers were accurate.
    We’ll see tomorrow if the wish comes true.
    I’ll let you know.
    Take 3 minutes and try this…it will freak you out!
    The person who sent it to me said her wish came true 10 minutes after they read the mail.

    BUT NO CHEATING!
    This game has a funny/spooky outcome.
    Don’t read ahead…just do it in order!
    It takes about three minutes…it’s worth a try 🙂
    First..get a pen and paper.
    When you actually choose names, make sure it’s people
    you actually know and go with your first instinct.
    Scroll down one line at a time…and don’t read ahead or you’ll ruin it!

    1. First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.

    2. Then, beside numbers 1 and 2, write down any two numbers you want.

    3. Beside the 3 and 7, write down the names of members of the opposite sex.

    NO LOOKING AHEAD…OR IT WON"T TURN OUT RIGHT!

    4. Write anyone’s name (like friends or family….) in the 4th, 5th, and 6th spots.

    5. Write down four song titles in 8,9,10, and 11.

    GO WITH YOUR INSTINCT PEOPLE!!!!

    6. Finally, make a wish. And now the key for the game…..

    1. You must tell (the number in space 2) people about this game.

    2. The person in space 3 is the one that you love.

    3. The person in 7 is one you like but can’t work out.

    4. You care most about the person you put in 4. The person you name in number 5 is the one who knows you very well.

    6. The person you name in 6 is your lucky star.

    7. The song in 8 is the song that matches with the person in number 3.

    8. The title in 9 is the song for the person in 7. 9.

    The tenth space is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind. 10. and

    11 is the song telling you how you feel about life

    NOW…post this bulletin (dont reply) within the hour…

    IF you do.. your wish will come true…

    If you don’t it will become the opposite u must post this in another room in 3 hours!!!! GOOD LUCK

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