I’ve got skills. They’re multiplying. But I’m not losing control because one of my skills is controlling multiplying skills. Which is handy.
I also have knowledge. Lots of it. Sometimes my knowledge spills out and soils the sofa. Luckily I know the best way to remove knowledge stains from all types of upholstery.
Let me share some of my skills and knowledge …
SKILL: I can do something with my tongue that drives women absolutely wild!!!! By expelling air over its surface and carefully shaping the contours of my mouth I can form the words "Get in the kitchen and do the washing up."
KNOWLEDGE: I know that on average the typical man or woman will only find a missing object in the last place they look a paltry 78% of the time. The remaining occasions are false positives resulting from von Neumann replicating machines having a laugh.
SKILL: I can play the violin almost perfectly but like Cassandra I am cursed to never be heard correctly by anyone crazy enough to get close. Actually, it’s probably everyone else who’s cursed then. I am unable to sustain a long note on the violin though; I move the bow too fast and it falls off the side of the instrument before the next note is due.
KNOWLEDGE: I know that journalism was bought out in a hostile takeover many years ago by public relations and, although they proclaim to be two disparate entities, they are, in fact, the same organism and maintain the illusion for tax reasons. I know that when the revolution comes they will be the first against the wall and the wall be pushed on top of them to save bullets and because it’s a slower death.
SKILL: I can join two of my tentacles and jump through the hoop suffering only minor dislocation of the scapula. What dislocates with searing shocks only makes me stronger.
KNOWLEDGE: I know what the precise location of the hour hand, minute hand, and second hand on my watch will be at the moment I die because it’s stopped and I can’t be bothered to get any new batteries.
SKILL: I am able to ascertain whether a television channel has anything worth watching on it in the 0.015 seconds I view it before changing station. My other half doesn’t believe it’s possible but that’s because she was raised to put the television on and then not touch the remote control for the rest of the evening. Seriously, I let her have the remote once. Once. No, I don’t want to watch the advert for Toilet Duck. I don’t care that whatever’s on another channel may be halfway through; it’s not a Toilet Duck commercial. I know I’ll just be coming back to this channel in a minute but we have a full bottle of Domestos under the sink.
KNOWLEDGE: I know where the key to Angelina Jolie’s heart is. It’s on the mantelpiece. Angelina’s heart is contained in a padlocked purse and is fastened to her waist by velcro. Her kidney is attached by a chain and trails behind her when she walks.
SKILL: I can complete a marathon in under a minute and I’m not out of breath at the end. I do this by folding space-time around a cone of super-dense cotton and protecting myself as I jump over the event horizon apex by rolling into a ball.
KNOWLEDGE: I know why toast usually falls butter-side down. The act of spreading – much like rubbing a balloon on a small dog – acts to negatively charge the butter or margarine which is in a balanced state while in the tub. Floors are positively charged by law so that they repel brickwork and keep houses straight but this serves to attract the toast in the specific manner most observed.
SKILL: I have a sixth sense when it comes to determining whether people I see or meet are trustworthy or not that is never wrong. In all my years of casting judgements on strangers I have never met a Gary I would piss on if he was on fire. And neither should you.
KNOWLEDGE: I know that Tony Blair doesn’t have an honest bone in his body. His skeletal frame was replaced by pneumatic tubes during 1977 and 1978. Sometimes, when he flies to conspire with foreign dignitaries or when he jets off to take an extended Caribbean holiday just like all his subjects can, the change in pressure causes him to inflate and he must release air to maintain his physical form for the journey. Upon arrival – and normal barometric conditions once more – a bicycle pump must be deployed to redress the balance. The nozzle goes exactly where you imagine.
SKILL: I can command cats to do anything. Their refusal to comply does not diminish my skill in any way.
KNOWLEDGE: I know what troubles your sleep. It is the burglar trying on your underwear.
SKILL: I have an incredible sense of direction on the large scale. I can generally tell which way I’m pointing and the rough direction of where I need to be going to within a second or two of arc. Even at night or locked in the boot of the car. Closer up I often miss the turn-off I need because I don’t pay attention to road signs.
KNOWLEDGE: I know that Steve Jobs has been assimilated by a bacterial lifeform and he now seeks to enslave the planet under their direction. The rise in use of iPod earphones and the safe harbour for our microbial enemies they provide will facilitate this process.
SKILL: I can detect changes in air pressure and ionisation of the atmosphere before a storm just like cats and dogs. However, I am too large to fit behind the sofa or hide under the bed and must bravely face Thor’s wrath.
KNOWLEDGE: I know that if you divide any prime number over infinity by the cube root of pi the final digit is always 6. Try it yourself!
SKILL: I can make an awesome cup of tea because I can visualise the rotation of the tea bag and the interaction between the water molecules and the tea leaves as a multi-spectral 3D image in my mind and so know precisely when the bag needs to be squeezed and removed. My coffee is a disaster area.
KNOWLEDGE: I know that talk of battling climate change is a waste of time without decisive action and that decisive action is due to arrive in September of 2028 when benevolent aliens arrive with a free, fast, global solution in the form of a bioweapon that converts humans into ozone. Your definition of benevolent and mine may differ.