Sick Jokes
28 Apr 2004 14:11 by Mark
The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you're offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn't read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page - or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after "accidentally" typing in the website address despite your careful "no supervision or protective software and don't bother me because Jerry Springer's on" policy of care - then the words "tough" and "shit" spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.
These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity - if you're not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you've ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE THIS PAGE ... FUCK OFF
REALLY. GO AWAY. NOT INTERESTED
IF YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF COMPREHENDING THIS AND COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS PAGE IN THE COMMENTS THEN EXPECT INFORMATION ABOUT YOUR VISIT TO BE PUBLISHED AND EDITING OF YOUR COMMENT
FEEL FREE TO ADD YOUR OWN SICK JOKES IN THE COMMENTS BUT PLEASE NOTE THAT SICK DOES NOT EQUAL RACIST (IT REALLY DOESN'T) AND RACISM WILL NOT BE TOLERATED ON THIS, A PAGE NAMED 'SICK JOKES'
One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.
"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"
"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."
The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.
"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.
"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."
How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?
The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.
What is 12" long and makes a woman moan all night?
Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
What's black and blue and hates sex?
The ten year old in my trunk.
Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?
It couldn't live with the name "aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa" any longer.
Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?
Slicking her hair back and making her look six.
Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?
Watching him break down on the witness stand.
What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?
I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?
I cried when I cut up the onion.
Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my dick.
How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.
How do you make a dead baby float?
One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.
Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.
"I'm scared," moaned the boy.
"You're scared!" she replied. "I have to come back alone."
Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.
The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.
At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.
"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried.
The doctor replied: "I'm just joking with you! It was stillborn."
How do you stop a baby crying?
Cum in its mouth.
What's the difference between acne and a paedophile?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.
What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?
Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?
Getting caught up in the wheelchair.
A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn't complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn't say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.
The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said "Don't you think it's a little bit presumptuous for you to think it's okay to fuck me in the ass?"
"Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old" he replied.
A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.
"What are they?" she asked.
"Those are mummy's breasts," the mother replied.
"Will I get those?" came the next question.
"When you're a little older," answered the girl's mother.
"And what is that?" the little girl asked.
"That's mummy's vagina," the mother answered, a little embarrassed.
"When will I get that?"
"That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change."
The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.
"What's that thing, daddy?" asked the little girl.
"That's daddy's penis," he answered.
"When will I get one of those?" the little girl asked.
"In about an hour."
What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?
Ask her why she left the kitchen.
Why do women have small feet?
So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.
How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son's dick tastes funny.
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog.
Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.
The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."
The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"
St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."
St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.
"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font".
What's the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?
I don't lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I'm masturbating.
What's the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit.
A man calls into work and tells the boss he can't come in because he's sick.
"How sick are you?" asks the boss.
"Well, I'm currently screwing my daughter."
Why don't women need watches?
There's a clock on the stove.
What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.
What's the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?
His dick tastes like shit.
What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?
Neither look down.
Why does an elephant have four feet?
Six inches isn't enough.
What's brown and hides in the attic?
The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.
What's red and silver and walks into walls?
A baby with forks in its eyes.
What's green and yellow and eats nuts?
Gonorrhea.
A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?"
"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."
"Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?"
"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead."
The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!"
"Be quiet Fridge," said the mother.
A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.
"What a coincidence!" exclamimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me for the same reason."
The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.
"Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky."
"I am," he replied. "I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I'm off home now."
How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?
Hit him in the face with an axe.
While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.
"Oh, she's in the sea washing herself off," replies Adam.
"Crap!", says God. "How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?"
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!"
"No," replies the man. "She just sort of lays there."
An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor's. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.
"I'm very sorry," he says. "I've got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer."
The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, "And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I'm really, very sorry."
The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.
"I suppose it could be worse," he says. "I could have cancer."
What's the difference between rape and smear tests?
Women don't like smear tests.
How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS.
What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?
"I bet she was nice when she was younger."
What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?
Hitler tried to finish the race.
A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.
"Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!"
The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid's grandmother furiously fingering herself.
"Ah!" said the mother. "Well, that's not a shrimp. That's actually called a 'vagina'"
"Oh!" said the boy. "It certainly tasted like shrimp."
A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:
"I'm sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?"
"Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh"
What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
You can't gargle sand.
Why do tampons have strings?
So you can floss after eating.
And all you retards, don't worry at least you're never going to have to spell 'humour,' 'sense' or 'of.'
And you're just quite blatantly stupid really, aren't you.
x~ ash ~x
A: Peter Sutcliffe's hammer.
Nothing, just don't look down!
funny shit,keep it up.
A. For drinking on the job.
"Who is it?"
"It's the police, Mrs. Sanders. I'm afraid we have terrible news."
"What is it?" came the voice through the door.
"I'm sorry, but your son Timmy is dead."
"My god! How did it happen?"
"He was run over by a steamroller when he was playing in the street."
"Officer, I'm not dressed. Could you just slide him under the door?"
UNDERTAKER: So sorry about your mother.
YOUTH: Yes, we were very close.
UNDERTAKER (looking lingeringly at the body): She was quite young.
YOUTH: Yes, she was.
UNDERTAKER: When did she die?
YOUTH: Only this morning.
UNDERTAKER: Seems a shame to waste her.
YOUTH: What do you mean?
UNDERTAKER: I mean, I think we should eat her.
YOUTH (horrified): How could we?
He looks at the body.
YOUTH: Still...
UNDERTAKER: It would be a pity to waste something like this.
YOUTH (thoughtfully): Mmmm...
UNDERTAKER: Look, I'll tell you what. We'll eat your Mum, and then if you feel guilty about it later, we'll dig a grave and you can throw up into it!
A. Stew.
Q. What do you call the water in the Jacuzzi after the lepers get out?
A. Stock.
Q. What did the leper say to the whore?
A. You can keep the tip.
His cock tastes of shit.
Yak Yak!
tha barman says to him "what been going on with you to make you so happy."
thie ugly man says to him, "well, i was walking home last night, when i found a woman tied to the traintrack. so i untied her and we made love all night."
The barman replys, "well that would make you happy, did you get a blowjob aswell?"
The ugly man says "no, i couldnt find the head."
"Oh, doctor, our little puppy is vomiting and having diarrhea all over the floor!"
"Don't panic, madam, I'll be right there."
The vet was practically soaked through by the time he got to the door.
"Thank you so much for making a house call on a night like this! But we're so worried!"
"Now, now, I'm sure there's no cause for alarm," said the doctor soothingly. "Where is the little tyke?"
"We've got him confined to the bathroom, so he doesn't make a mess all over the house."
"Phew! What a stink!" said the vet cheerily as he entered the confined space. "We do have one sick puppy on our hands here. Let's see what we can do."
"What's that for?" asked the man of the house, suspiciously eyeing the doctor as he extracted what looked like a large soup spoon from his black bag. "I don't think I've ever seen a puppy treated with something like that before."
"Oh, there's nothing I can do for the dog," said the vet, squatting on the floor and scooping up some of the runny muck. "I just hate to see all this good stuff go to waste!"
A baby with a punctured lung......................
"I'm going to have a shower before dinner," Robert yelled from inside the cabin. "Do you want one too?"
"No, thanks," Natalie shouted back. "I'll wash up on shore later."
He looked up hopefully when the obstetrician entered.
But his face fell when he saw the doctor's expression.
"Oh, no, doctor, don't tell me! Is it -- was it --"
"No, Mr. Squeam, your baby is alive. But I'm sorry to have to tell you that it's been born horribly deformed."
The father swallowed hard.
"Well, after all, it is my son. I'm sure I'll find some way to love him. How bad is it?"
"I'm afraid he doesn't have any arms or legs."
The father put on a brave face. "OK, so I'll have to carry him a lot. But I can still hold him and hug him."
"I'm afraid he doesn't have a torso either."
"You mean he's nothing but a head?" asked the father incredulously.
"Mr. Squeam, it saddens me to tell you that you're the father of a seven pound ear."
The father trembled. "Well, I guess, uh, I guess I can still love him. After all, he -- he is my son," he said tremulously.
The doctor looked at him sympathetically and sighed. "I'm terribly sorry, but there's worse news."
"What? You just told me my son is nothing but a giant ear!" shouted the distraught man, on the verge of hysteria. "What could be worse than that???"
"It's deaf."
i cant even fuck my cats know
im not bitching,,,or offended
but all this fucking a dead baby or 5 or 6 years old
i just feal a bit bad
i wouldnt have this shit on my site
i get the joke but what kind of people make these up,,i know u didnt mark
from iceland
more jokes about fucking pre-teens.
and masturbation.
http://www.neonbubble.com/a/necrophilia-for-beginners
And you've got a page about bestiality
http://www.neonbubble.com/a/bestiality-for-beginners
And there's this page which cross the borders of so many horrible ideas
And this is allowed?
Great
Just heard this. Not really that sick and very old.
A little boy stands next to a woman and tugs on her skirt. She looks down and says "can I help you?" "Yes" he says "can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks away startled and tried to ignore the boy but he tugs on her skirt again and asks louder "can I smell your pussy?" Worried that someone might come along the woman says quickly "no, you can't smell my pussy". "Oh" says the boy. "It must be your feet then"
A nice 12 year old mixed with coke.
The 10 year old boy in the basement
The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"
The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."
The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."
She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."
dreaming u r eating cottage cheese and waking up to fing your grandmother sitting on your face
10)nuts... my shaft broke
9)after 18 holes i can barely walk
8)you really waked the hell out of that sucker
7)look at the size of that putter
6)keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5)mind if i join the 3 some
4)stand with your back turned and drop it
3)my hands are so sweaty i cant get a good grip
2)nice stroke,but your follow threw has alot to be desired
1)hold up i have to wash my balls first
You can keep the tip
heres one for ya
three pregnant women sitting in a doctors waiting room all knitting for their newborns to be.the 1st woman takes a pill out of her bag and swallows it..what was that said the other 2,oh vitamin c said the woman i want my child to be healthy.then the 2nd woman takes a pill out of her bag and swallows it,what was that say the other 2,oh an iron tablet she says i want my baby to be strong.. the 3rd woman then takes a pill out of her bag and swallows it.what was that say the other 2, thalidomide... i just cant get the arms right on this fucking jumper
One is fun to hit with a sledge hammer, the other is a watermelon
A Magpie masterbating.
Having the fetus give you head.
what's red yellow blue pink and green and floats somewhere in the middle?
Either baby, 4 weeks later.
Owner Edit:
Hi Shane! Thanks for popping by from what looks to be the Manchester area. I see you arrived here by going to Google and typing the phrase "sick jokes". I heartily apologise that after typing "sick jokes" you ended up on this of all pages - a page entitled "sick jokes" - containing a disclaimer warning anybody - like yourself - who had reached this page called "sick jokes" that the contents of said page included "jokes" of a "sick" nature. My further apologies that you were unable to comprehend the nature of the warning about the sickability (that's a made-up word but I hope you get the drift) of the jokes (but that one's real) and proceeded to spend several long minutes reading the jokes (sick ones at that!) before protesting in the manner in which you did. By way of sincere apology please allow me to move away from the topic of "sick jokes" - a subject which abhors you to the extent you clearly seek it out via search engines at every opportunity in order to impart your opposing views - and step into the exciting world of "English Language And Grammar" ...
"your" should be spelt "You're". The capital 'Y' is because the letter is at the start of the sentence. The actual spelling - you'll notice there's an apostrophe and a letter 'e' missing from your imaginitive spelling of the word - is a contraction of the words "you" and "are". The apostrophe marks the missing space and letter 'a' so it's really quite easy to remember with the simple use of your brain. Try it some day.
"absoulutly" isn't a word at all. I've checked a number of dictionaries and I think I can say this with some certainty.
Congratulations for spelling "disgusting" correctly. Give yourself a gold star.
At this point your Caps Lock button appears to have become jammed. PC World sell new keyboards awfully cheap these days so perhaps it would be a good time - while you're cooling down from the anger at finding a "sick jokes" page - to pop out and buy one. Please feel free to vent in a constructive manner once you've done this and, in return, I promise to point out the correct spelling of common, everyday words like "fucking" and will extend a helpful mini-topic entitled "Why typing 'ERRRRRRRRRRRRR' in a comment makes you come across as a drooling imbecile" your way.
Ian Huntley giving them a bath!
Why can't Helen Keller have any children?
'Cos she dead you sick fuck.
Why did Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?
So you could read her lips.
Wh's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
Probably best if I leave it at that, after that last one my jokes get even sicker.
they both break when you rape them
The doctor catches him just before he runs in...."Mr Jones" he says.."I have some good news and some bad news for you"...
Erm..whats the bad news he says. "your baby, im afraid its got ginger hair" FUCK he says, whats the good news... "its stillborn"
He takes her to the bathroom and they hear the water running.
5 minutes later the baby starts screaming its head off. panicked they run into the bathroom. The husband has two fingers stuck up the bays nose and is swirling the baby in a figure of 8 around the bath.
"Thats not how you bath a baby" screams the nurse"
"fucking is when the waters this hot"
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