Sick Jokes

28 Apr 2004 13:11 by Mark

The following jokes are, at best, in less-than-savoury taste and, in some instances, downright sick. They made me laugh though. However, if you're offended by playful paedophilia, animal sex, and dead baby jokes you really, really, really shouldn't read any further. If you take offence at anything on this page - or discover, for example, that a child of yours has happened upon the page after "accidentally" typing in the website address despite your careful "no supervision or protective software and don't bother me because Jerry Springer's on" policy of care - then the words "tough" and "shit" spring to mind. By looking at the semi-colon within the square brackets here [;] you agree to waive any right to complain.

These jokes were all culled from the forums at Something Awful because I wanted to save them for posterity - if you're not a member then you really should join for a small one-time fee; it will be the best money you've ever spent or feel free to complain bitterly about it to me and experience the sheer, unadulterated joy of having your email ignored.

One day, Little Suzy goes swimming in the lake with her grandmother. After they get out they go to shower.

"Grandma" Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother's legs. "What's that?"

"Oh," her grandmother replies. "That's my beaver, dear."



The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. "Mommy, is that your beaver?" asks the girl.

"Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?" her mother answers.

"From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out."

How is knocking up your girlfriend like locking your keys out of your car?

The problem goes away with the aid of a coathangar.

What is 12" long and makes a woman moan all night?

Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.

What's black and blue and hates sex?

The ten year old in my trunk.

Why did Helen Keller's dog commit suicide?

It couldn't live with the name "aaaoouuueuuueaaoaa" any longer.

Whats the best part of having sex with an eight year old in the shower?

Slicking her hair back and making her look six.

Whats the best part about sex with a five year old boy?

Watching him break down on the witness stand.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies, and a Ferarri?

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.

What's the difference between an onion and a dead hooker?

I cried when I cut up the onion.

Why did the feminist cross the road?

To suck my dick.

How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my dick.

How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop of dead baby, one scoop of ice cream, and a pint of ginger ale.

Myra Hindley is walking through the Yorkshire Moors, hand-in-hand with a little boy.

"I'm scared," moaned the boy.

"You're scared!" she replied. "I have to come back alone."

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

She was a woman.

A pregnant woman was at the hospital giving birth to her baby. The delivery was almost complete, and at long last, the doctor held up the newborn, cut the umbilical cord, and took a moment to look the baby over. Then without missing a beat, the doctor threw the child against a nearby wall with all of his might. The mother watched in shock as the baby slid to the floor with a sickening thud.

The nurses and orderlies stood-by aghast as the doctor proceeded to dribble the newborn around the room like a soccer ball before finally passing the baby through the door into the hall with a mighty kick. Everyone, including the fatigued mother, chased the doctor into the hall just in time to see him scoop up the infant and run down the coridor, stopping just long enough to bodycheck the child into the wall every so often.

At the end of the hall, the doctor gave a mighty leap and slam-dunked the baby into a nearby trashcan, giving himself a load roar of approval. Finally the now quite large awe-struck crowd caught up with the doctor. The mother was distraught and burst into tears.

"Why? Why in the name of God did you do that to my baby?" she cried.

The doctor replied: "I'm just joking with you! It was stillborn."

How do you stop a baby crying?

Cum in its mouth.

What's the difference between acne and a paedophile?

Acne doesn't come on your face until you're twelve.

What do you do to a deaf, dumb, and blind girl after you rape her?

Break her fingers so she can't tell anyone.

What's the worst thing about eating vegetables?

Getting caught up in the wheelchair.

A guy was having sex with a girl, and decided he was going to try his luck, flip her over and do her doggy style. The girl didn't complain, and just went along with it. The guy got a little more daring and decided to stick his finger in her asshole. She still didn't say anything, and seemed to be enjoying it. The guy decided to go all the way and proceeded to slip his dick in her asshole.

The girl suddenly froze, looked back at him over her shoulder, and said "Don't you think it's a little bit presumptuous for you to think it's okay to fuck me in the ass?"


"Presumptuous is a very big word for a five year old" he replied.

A little girl is watching her mum getting changed to go out for the evening.

"What are they?" she asked.

"Those are mummy's breasts," the mother replied.

"Will I get those?" came the next question.

"When you're a little older," answered the girl's mother.

"And what is that?" the little girl asked.

"That's mummy's vagina," the mother answered, a little embarrassed.

"When will I get that?"

"That will happen at around the same time you get your breasts. Now run along and let mummy change."

The little girl ran off into the next room where her father was getting changed out of his work clothes to relax for the evening.

"What's that thing, daddy?" asked the little girl.

"That's daddy's penis," he answered.

"When will I get one of those?" the little girl asked.

"In about an hour."

What should you do if you find a woman lying in a ditch at the side of the road?

Ask her why she left the kitchen.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can stand nearer the kitchen counter.

How does an Arkansas mother know her daughter is having her period.

Her son's dick tastes funny.

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog.

Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter.

The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed."

The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?"

St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed."

St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun.

"I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font".

What's the difference between a luxurious, fur rug and a pile of dead babies?

I don't lay down on a luxurious, fur rug when I'm masturbating.

What's the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?

Getting the blood out of the clown suit.

A man calls into work and tells the boss he can't come in because he's sick.

"How sick are you?" asks the boss.

"Well, I'm currently screwing my daughter."

Why don't women need watches?

There's a clock on the stove.

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.

What's the best way to tell if your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit.

What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common?

Neither look down.

Why does an elephant have four feet?

Six inches isn't enough.

What's brown and hides in the attic?

The Diarrhoea Of Anne Franks.

What's red and silver and walks into walls?

A baby with forks in its eyes.

What's green and yellow and eats nuts?

Gonorrhea.

A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.

"Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?"

"Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead."

"Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?"

"Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead."

The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!"

"Be quiet Fridge," said the mother.

A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her.

"What a coincidence!" exclamimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me for the same reason."

The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave.

"Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky."

"I am," he replied. "I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I'm off home now."

How do you get a one-armed clown off a swing?

Hit him in the face with an axe.

While God is distracted Eve persuades Adam to eat the forbidden fruit. He does so, they both realise they are naked and fuck each other madly all day long. Later, God comes back from what he was doing, realises what has happened and takes Adam aside for a talking-to. At the end he asks Adam where Eve is.

"Oh, she's in the sea washing herself off," replies Adam.

"Crap!", says God. "How am I ever going to get the smell out of the fish?"

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!"

"No," replies the man. "She just sort of lays there."

An old man goes for a checkup at the doctor's. The doctor runs the tests then sits the old man down.

"I'm very sorry," he says. "I've got a couple of bits of bad news to impart. Firstly, you have cancer."

The old man is shocked and a tear wells up in his eye. The doctor waits for a minute for the news to sink in and then carries on, "And you are also showing early stages of Alzheimers disease. I'm really, very sorry."

The old man sits in silence for a little while longer, head hung down. Finally he looks up and puts a brave smile on his face.

"I suppose it could be worse," he says. "I could have cancer."

What's the difference between rape and smear tests?

Women don't like smear tests.

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?

AIDS.

What did one paedophile say to the other paedophile when they saw a six year old girl walk past?

"I bet she was nice when she was younger."

What's the difference between Paula Radcliffe and Adolf Hitler?

Hitler tried to finish the race.

A mother is preparing dessert for after a family meal when her young son comes running in breathless.

"Mum! Mum! Quick! Granny is playing with her shrimp!"

The mother, confused, follows the boy back into the dining room and sees the kid's grandmother furiously fingering herself.

"Ah!" said the mother. "Well, that's not a shrimp. That's actually called a 'vagina'"

"Oh!" said the boy. "It certainly tasted like shrimp."

A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says:

"I'm sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?"

"Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh"

What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand?

You can't gargle sand.

Why do tampons have strings?

So you can floss after eating.