Second Secret Gospel Chapter

Previously on neOnbubble: Secret Gospel Chapter: Revealed.

Soldier JesusJesus and his disciples returned to the hills beyond the Jordan and from there made their way – with only a short stop at Jesus’ miraculous water-into-moonshine still – down to the land by the sea.

Jesus led his disciples to a quiet area which was the most fertile and beautiful area near the sea where an impoverished tribe from the East had set up home.

"Look upon these poor people," said the Son of Man. "They are outcasts among their own people who have wandered far and ended with nothing but the land beneath their feet and the sky above their heads and yet they are rich because of it." And the disciples looked to the tribe who were happy with their lot and the disciples looked at one another because they knew Jesus quite well by now and suspected something was about to kick off.

"That’s prime real estate, that," continued Jesus. "Nice beach. Anyone fancy a sunbathe?"

James and John urged the Son of God "Teacher, is it wise that you should trespass on land to which you have no right?" And Jesus replied to them all: "Listen to me, those among you who would call yourself a follower of the way of the Lord, because God has willed – not in writing, obviously – that this strip of land is for the descendants of Levi and Abraham and so on and so forth and that includes me and all of you so we’re sorted, okay?"

But the disciples were still not happy and so Jesus said "The rest of the Earth belongs to the Devil; he tempted me with it when we were in the desert together, remember? Too much upkeep to be honest. But this land here is God’s and, by extension, mine. God wants us all to share. That’s what He’s telling me right now. In my head. Right now. What’s the worst that could happen?" The disciples discussed this among themselves and could not reach a firm conclusion and so they decided to let their master have his way.

Then Jesus stripped down to his trunks and lay down on the beautiful beach that was part of the land of the outcasts and in time the outcasts came to him and his disciples and they said "You are Jesus whom those of your people know as the Son of God and you have bathed here on our beach for some time now but the tide is turning and there are those among our people who would like to go surfing. We would be happy to have you and your disciples join us."

And Jesus gathered his disciples around him and addressed the outcast people thus: "Thanks, but no thanks. Possession is nine parts of the law, sunshine. This is our beach now so hop it before some serious smiting occurs."

Some of the disciples were not happy and told Jesus that he had said he would share the land with the outcasts but Jesus replied that there was no commandment against lying and that a great tan was a fitting tribute to his father in Heaven and so he returned to his towel and the book he was reading.

In time a few among the outcasts grew angry at the intrusion by Jesus and his disciples and so they took what little they had, for they were a poor people shunned by the rich tribes from whence they came, and they fashioned pea shooters which they loaded with the smallest stones in the soil since they needed the peas to survive. In this way they fired at the Son of Man in order to drive him away but the shots were weak and many fell short and away from their targets.

Then Jesus said to Simon Peter "They shoot like girls" and Simon smiled but he answered "Truly Lord, they are justified in their anger. Would it not be sensible to leave this place now or to seek peace with the outcasts? Many of us wouldn’t mind a surf to be honest."

Then the outcasts struck Jesus on the nose with a stone and he lost his place in the novel and Jesus became suddenly angry, gathering his disciples to him and saying "Look what they did to my nose! It’s bleeding!" John protested that it was only a nick and it had almost stopped already but Jesus cast him to one side and said "Didn’t I say something before about he who casts the first stone should be hit in the cheek? Let’s rumble!"

And Jesus led his disciples to the homes of the outcasts and there Jesus ripped the arms off the first born children of the families. And Jesus blinded the wives of the husbands. And Jesus tore down the curtains in the homes of the outcasts. And Jesus doused the fires under the cooking pots. And Jesus cracked the kneecaps and crushed the ankles of every outcast who came before him. And some of the pea shooters were found and snapped in half.

Antonius, a Roman envoy to the region passed by that way during this time but he was fearful of the pea shooters that remained and so he did not intervene to help the outcasts but simply carried on his way. The Son of God saw this and was happy.

Afterwards Bartholomew approached Jesus. "Teacher, I do not understand this lesson." And so Jesus explained "I was at an exciting part in the book and thanks to them I’ve lost my place. And now, so have they so we’re even." But Bartholomew persisted because he wasn’t mentioned very much in the Gospels and was looking to make the most of his time. "But teacher, will not the friends and relatives of the outcasts seek retribution for the actions here today?"

"They’re outcasts," replied Jesus. "Nobody likes them anyway but, yes, I get your point. It’s quite likely they’ll move to slingshots next time so God wants us to be prepared for when that happens. We’ll need bazookas to finish this off once and for all. And after that I’m thinking AH-64 Apache Attack Helicopter. Who’s with me?"

The disciples were confused and told Jesus that they did not know the strange words he spoke unto them. "You will," said the Son of Man with a wink. "You will."

And James and John decided that Jesus had had too much sun for one day and so they overpowered him and carried him off to a cool cave in the hills to have a lie down and sleep it all off.

Author: Mark

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6 Comments

  1. Aha, nice touch with Antonius. I’m guessing he’s from the powerful Blair family in Rome right.

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  2. A truly remarkable story – I believe the direct Aramaic translation has Jesus with a Staines accent.

    (Oh – and can I say that Jesus’s expression in the photo makes more sense when he’s carrying a gun.)

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