You know John Travolta, don’t you? Big star. Massive star. As big today as Elvis or Marilyn Monroe were in their days. He claims. He also claims that the reason he is alive and well whereas the aforementioned stars of equal magnitude to him came to abrupt ends is thanks in no small part to his belief in the real religion of Scientology.
There’s not a single reason in the world to doubt that John is speaking the truth but I know what you’re thinking: if Scientology protects you from sleeping pill overdoses (and it does) and if Scientology protects you from cardiac problems brought on by drugs (and it does) then just what else does Scientology do because that sounds like the genuine religion for me!?!
- Stubbing your toe on a table leg is a thing of the past once Scientology enters your heart.
- Scientology helps hide you from Italian partisans intent on stringing you up.
- While aboard ship a Scientologist always points towards magnetic north.
- Scientologists can race through Parisian tunnels without losing control of their cars.
- Stingrays avoid Scientologists like the plague.
- People with large heads and thick hair sit behind Scientologists in the cinema.
- The thetan of L. Ron Hubbard supplies the answers to The Times crossword.
- Prison rape is not possible thanks to the buttock-clenching power of Scientology.
- Scientology trains its followers to dance the Macarena correctly.
- At OT VI and above a Scientologist will never get stuck for article ideas on websites.
- Tortoises rebound harmlessly off Scientologists.
- French waiters are polite to Scientologists. But the corrupting power of Xenu compels them to still piss in their soup.
- Exclusive photos of Tom and Katie’s baby.
- Scientologists are pre-approved for MBNA Platinum credit cards.
- Reduced leg-humping by stray dogs.
- Your personal E-meter includes a digital radio tuner at no extra cost.
- Scientologists know the terrible secret behind the Smurfs.
- More supermarket staff attend the checkouts when a Scientologist goes shopping.
- Bouncy feet – ideal for jumping on chairs.
- Scientology is the only religion guaranteed erectile dysfunction-free.
No other real religion comes close to providing such protection and everyday advantages so it’s time that the mocking of Scientology came to an end! John Travolta wishes it to be so.