Scientology Saves!

TravoltaYou know John Travolta, don’t you? Big star. Massive star. As big today as Elvis or Marilyn Monroe were in their days. He claims. He also claims that the reason he is alive and well whereas the aforementioned stars of equal magnitude to him came to abrupt ends is thanks in no small part to his belief in the real religion of Scientology.

There’s not a single reason in the world to doubt that John is speaking the truth but I know what you’re thinking: if Scientology protects you from sleeping pill overdoses (and it does) and if Scientology protects you from cardiac problems brought on by drugs (and it does) then just what else does Scientology do because that sounds like the genuine religion for me!?!

  • Stubbing your toe on a table leg is a thing of the past once Scientology enters your heart.
  • Scientology helps hide you from Italian partisans intent on stringing you up.
  • While aboard ship a Scientologist always points towards magnetic north.
  • Scientologists can race through Parisian tunnels without losing control of their cars.
  • Stingrays avoid Scientologists like the plague.
  • People with large heads and thick hair sit behind Scientologists in the cinema.
  • The thetan of L. Ron Hubbard supplies the answers to The Times crossword.
  • Prison rape is not possible thanks to the buttock-clenching power of Scientology.
  • Scientology trains its followers to dance the Macarena correctly.
  • At OT VI and above a Scientologist will never get stuck for article ideas on websites.
  • Tortoises rebound harmlessly off Scientologists.
  • French waiters are polite to Scientologists. But the corrupting power of Xenu compels them to still piss in their soup.
  • Exclusive photos of Tom and Katie’s baby.
  • Scientologists are pre-approved for MBNA Platinum credit cards.
  • Reduced leg-humping by stray dogs.
  • Your personal E-meter includes a digital radio tuner at no extra cost.
  • Scientologists know the terrible secret behind the Smurfs.
  • More supermarket staff attend the checkouts when a Scientologist goes shopping.
  • Bouncy feet – ideal for jumping on chairs.
  • Scientology is the only religion guaranteed erectile dysfunction-free.

No other real religion comes close to providing such protection and everyday advantages so it’s time that the mocking of Scientology came to an end! John Travolta wishes it to be so.

Author: Mark

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4 Comments

  1. If you’ve got to pick on the Scientologists, have the courage to pick on every other religion here too. They believe things you don’t. So what? Do you mock Jews because they keep their meat separate from everything else? Do you mock Muslims because they pray 5 times a day toward Mecca? Do you mock Christians for their ritual cannibalism? Whether you think it’s a religion or not, they do. Show some respect for your fellow man’s religious beliefs, or you wind up looking like a jerk.

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  2. Scientology prevented Travolta self-destructing. Therefore Scientology isn’t harmful to anyone. And it’s true. What a great piece of illogic.

    As for the issue of respecting other people’s silly beliefs…we can "respect" them – that is, ignore them – so long as they don’t do any harm. Pretending a cup of wine contains your god’s blood is daft but harmless, believing your soul comes from venus is the same, but scientology is not harmless.

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  3. Jay:

    If you’ve got to pick on the Scientologists, have the courage to pick on every other religion here too.

    I do try. But it’s a case of one religion at a time I’m afraid. Fair’s fair.

    Do you mock Jews because they keep their meat separate from everything else?

    I will now. Thanks for the info.

    Do you mock Muslims because they pray 5 times a day toward Mecca?

    No. It’s for another reason entirely.

    Do you mock Christians for their ritual cannibalism?

    I do but it’s way down the list of mockable actions. Those guys are crazy!

    Whether you think it’s a religion or not, they do. Show some respect for your fellow man’s religious beliefs, or you wind up looking like a jerk.

    How dare you! I’m a member of the Anti Religion Church of Earth and our beliefs demand that we respect no religion whatsoever, not even our own. Your attack on me expressing my disrespect is disrespectful to my disrespecting belief system of disrespect! What a jerk! I demand an apology.

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  4. Scientology on the news again… Curiously I was reading the news today and this _religion_ was brought up again… I was wandering why it would attract other people? But you gave me a couple of definite reasons why I would join these people: “Stingrays avoid Scientologists like the plague” and “Scientologists are pre-approved for MBNA Platinum credit cards”. Give me a break! =)

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