Science Secrets Revealed

ScienceIt’s been a while since we last had neOnbubble‘s resident doctor of knowledge, Doctor Ofknowledge, in to answer your science questions and that’s mostly due to incarceration at Her Majesty’s Pleasure for misuse of a cloning machine. But never fear for he’s back now – or his clone is – and some scientific sating can start straightaway!

Melanie of Moonbase Beta asks …
Is it possible to survive on the Moon’s surface without a helmet?
Of course it is. The lack of an atmosphere and extremes of temperature are no barrier to Moonbugs who quite happily swim through the regolith carving out craters for tourists. For humans, however, it’s a different matter but you should be okay so long as you have some kind of pressurised vehicle with an airlock.

Gilbert of Toledo asks …
What is evolution?
Evolution is a bastardised form of the word "evilution", itself a portmanteau of the words "evil" and "dilution". Life emerged on the Earth over 10,000 years ago. At that time it was small but incredibly complex. Over the generations since, that life has split, procreated, or mutated thanks to x-rays, becoming less at every turn. Each generation of flora or fauna is significantly simpler than its predecessor, a poor dilution of the original lifeform. You know how you think kids are stupider these days? Evolution.

Mimi of Nuneaton asks …
Scientifically-speaking, what is the worst film ever?
Weekend At Bernies 2.

Agamemnon of Rio de Janeiro asks …
There is a leak in my toilet. I’m worried about the Atlantic ocean.
That’s not a question but Doctor Ofknowledge is an understanding soul and will proceed as if you asked one. Water is a vengeful beast but thus far no ocean has ever taken the life of a human for allowing its toilet water offspring to drip onto the floor and evaporate. A river once strangled a man in France but he was performing unspeakable acts with a baguette and the crumbs were falling into a tributary. I think we’d all have done the same.

Yeuk Hai-Mok of Bradford asks …
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
I’m wearing Calvin Klein’s Obsession For Avians. To a pigeon I’m giving off the same pheromones as a freshly-washed car.

Janice of Beijing asks …
Do storks really deliver babies?
No Janice. The stork’s neck muscles are not strong enough to carry an infant for any distance. In any case, storks are babyvores and would sooner peck a child into a pinkish mush than transport it for no apparent reason.

Melanie of Moonbase Beta asks …
Is it possible for a human to survive on the Moon’s surface without a helmet or pressurised vehicle of some sort?
Modern advances in genetic engineering have shown that splicing certain protein sequences of the armadillo with humans can garnish the skin with sealable scales that would offer protection against the vacuum on the Moon’s surface. However, with no equivalent to the Van Allen Belt on our lunar neighbour, radiation would soon turn an armadilluman into radioactive pulp.

Torquemada of Glasgow asks …
What is the most effective non-lethal manner of dispersing crowds? Sonic weapons, rubber bullets, water cannons, or something else?
Weekend At Bernies 2.

Science PhoneBartholomew of Cape Town asks …
How did someone as pretty as you survive in prison?
Ah, a question about prison science! A Chinese finger puzzle trap, carefully inserted before incarceration gave Big Dave a nasty surprise on the first night and Doctor Ofknowledge was not bothered again.

Wilma of Belgrade asks …
What is the S.I. unit for measuring an interest in local politics?
The Twat. To become a councillor you must rate 4.8 kilotwats, while the position of mayor requires you to be a full megatwat.

Melanie of Moonbase Beta asks …
Is it possible for a genetically-unmodified human to survive on the Moon’s surface without a helmet or pressurised vehicle of some sort?
Anything’s possible.

Percival of Phoenix asks …
Can we form a stable wormhole and cross vast distances through space or not?
Theoretically it is possible but you will need a stable worm first and must determine a method to make it burrow where you want. Laying a trail of intergalactic vegetable matter should do the trick. Then all you need to do is avoid the worm poo on your trip.

Jeremiah of Brisbane asks …
I swallowed an apple pip. Will a tree grow in my stomach?
It will but your white blood cells are avid botanists in their spare time and will prune it and keep it from clogging up your intestines.

Lucien of Moonbase Beta asks …
How can I erase the image of seeing a woman’s corpse floating past my Moonhome?
Weekend At Bernies 2.

Author: Mark

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  1. A Chinese finger puzzle trap, carefully inserted before incarceration

    I wish I’d thought of this before going with the old razor blade trick.

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  2. When I was in prison I tried the entire razor trick instead. A Gillette Mach 3 Turbo. It was switched on. The look of permanent euphoria on my face worked to keep the jail population away. Sex since hasn’t been the same though.

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