There comes a point in every Reptilian’s life that he, she, or the third gender pronoun ‘Malcolm’ decides to spill the beans, to let the cat out of the bag, to unravel the strings of deceit from the big bag of truthy words, to come clean.
I, Reptilian Overlord Mark, am, in fact a Reptilian. There was a clue in my name but most people won’t have seen it until now because, as a Reptilian, I have scary and mystical powers that allow me to mask reality behind a woollen cloak of confusion. I’m a bit like The Shadow, only scalier.
Now, there are some of you that have already seen through the barriers that I and the others of my kind took so much time and effort to construct. David Icke, one of your foremost mammalian Reptilian uncoverers has done some sterling work in the field. But I think it’s only fair to rebut some of his so-called facts.
All The Presidents Of The USA Are Reptilians
If you think for one second that we’re taking responsibility for that bunch then, to use a Reptilian saying, your blood’s going warm. I can categorically confirm that Gerald Ford was and is to this day the only Reptilian to attain the post of Presidency. And that was a mistake: he only popped out to pick up a pack of dried flies for lunch.
Reptilians Are Blood-Drinking, Shape-Shifting Paedophiles
Yes, we shift shapes, but that’s all. It helps us get laid. The blood-drinking and child molestation are purely the acts of televangelists and they’re all descended from the original, dominant penguin species who we successfully put down in the great Take That Fisheaters! War of 112400 BC.
Reptilians Use Satanism To Control Humanity
I’ll be honest: we considered it. But Reptilian Overlord Rupert Murdoch came up with a far better solution and we’ve used that ever since. It still involves sacrifices, a feeling of pure disgust, and occasional soiling but means that the rest of us don’t have to dress up like goths and that was one of the things we were trying to get away from when we left our home world to infiltrate yours.
To summarise: we’re not as bad as David Icke makes out. In the event you’re not convinced by my arguments and find the pictorial proof of the Reptilian agenda present at Reptilian Agenda holds sway then please allow me to allay your fears by reproducing a page from my human skin-bound diary:
Bloody freezing in the house again. Switched the ceramic hobs on the oven to full and stepped from one to another for twenty minutes trying to warm up and build up energy reserves. Burnt feet and cried. Shape-shifted toes into miniature characters from The Simpsons to try to cheer myself up but feet still hurt and had to run them under cold water. Marge drowned.
Decided to have scrambled eggs for breakfast but picked up wrong pack and cracked two of my Reptilian Overlord Mate’s newborns into frying pan by mistake. Hid evidence before she came down.
On way home from work spotted hot mammal female. Showed her my tongue and got a reaction. Also got a reaction from Reptilian Overlord Mate who told me if I ever did something like that again she’d cut it off. I don’t think she was referring to the tongue.
Had to blame the devout Christian family from next door for the disappearance of the eggs. Mate was furious and stormed out of the house. She returned later with the still squirming shape of little Jimmy clearly visible pushing against her stomach from the inside. Mate went to bed early to sleep it off and I watched porn into the early hours to hide the feelings of guilt: it was a Crocodile Dundee marathon.
Local meeting of the Reptilian Overlord Human Population Control And Wine-Tasting Group tonight.
The police came around this evening asking if we’d seen the little boy from next door. I’m simply not a convincing liar and they didn’t seem to believe me so I invited them in and then subjugated them to my Reptilian will with a nice cup of tea. It’s all down to how many times you stir the bag.
Decided to go to group meeting shape-shifted as group leader. Should be good for a laugh.
Called in sick. Wasn’t thinking straight and may have claimed I was suffering from "one of your vile human fevers; dengue or some other haemmorrhagic abomination". I hate hangovers.
Everyone turned up as the group leader last night which spoilt the joke and nobody would revert to who they really were. Three hours of downing wine and shouting "No, you change back! I’m the leader!" Didn’t get around to any population control discussions. Can’t believe we do the same thing every single week.
Have a vague recollection of walking home via some rat-infested, litter-strewn alleys. Disgusting taste in mouth so I think I must have stopped for a kebab too.
Skin is scaly and am almost out of moisturiser. Will spend today recouping fluid levels.
Took today off work too, despite feeling better, for the benefit of my human co-workers. I do not think they will believe me that it was a 24-hour variant of ebola. Gave me time to do the weekly shopping. Bought the usual stuff. Pet shop owner is always amazed at how many mice and chicks our snake gets through and asked again if he could come and see it some time and I think he really meant it rather than alluding to some homosexual encounter. I don’t know how much longer I can put him off. He looked sceptical at the photo I brought in; said it looked like I’d photoshopped my head onto Ice Cube’s body in a scene from the film Anaconda. We laughed. I said "Shut yo’ mouth yo’ mother!" and it went very quiet. I can’t do Ice Cube’s voice.
Moisturiser barrel arrived by truck late in the afternoon. I’m glad we took over the Nivea and Olay corporations.
Reptilian Overlord Mate mentioned that she’d burrowed under patio of next door and planted the bones of little Jimmy. I made a joke: I said "they’ll need sunlight and lots of water otherwise they’ll never grow" but it didn’t earn a smile.
Went to watch Pompey play football down Fratton Park. Terrible referee decision cost us the game. I subjugated the referee to my Reptilian will afterwards, this time using the alternative method of a lumphammer. It’s all down to how many times you swing it.
Tried to get Mate’s mind off the tragic loss of the youngsters with a saucy video compilation of Steve Irwin hijinks but it didn’t work. Went to bed early.
Woken early by the sound of the police breaking apart the patio next door and subsequently taking the neighbours away with their heads covered under blankets. Not sure why: we know what they look like. Seems there was an anonymous tip-off.
Watched When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth on TV. Very inaccurate. I’m always annoyed by assumptions made about the past when there are plenty of experts able to provide information if only asked. Why wasn’t Tyrannosaurus wearing shorts? Where were the balloon gunships? I’d rate it 2/10.
Mate felt better later on and started getting amorous. I performed the mating dance for her for almost the full two hours before the phone rang and ruined everything. It was a journalist asking questions about the couple next door. I suppose I only have myself to blame but I vowed to subjugate the caller to my Reptilian will if he ever bothered me again.